Visiting elderly parents in law

[StripeyCurtains]

My mum is in a home and has been since March. I am an only child so visiting her and taking her out etc falls solely on my shoulders. It can get a bit much and I don't have the best relationship with her as we are very different. DH has always got on well with her. She isn't very chatty and it is hard work. The home is 10 minutes from my house.

When she moved into the home I asked if he would visit her once a week just for half an hour to have a cuppa with her and give her a different face to see. He said he would. However he's not visited her independently once. He is now saying that he would not expect me to visit his parents so I should not expect him to visit my mum.

I think he is being unfair. It would mean a lot to me to know that someone else was visiting her and that even if he didn't want to really see her he could do it for me. I would absolutely do it for him, without being asked.

Who IBU?

He's being unreasonable and thoughtless.

Tbh, though as you've asked him it would be nice for him to do it, I would never expect my dh to visit my parents without me. Maybe to take the kids if I couldn't but not on his own.

If he's been with you to visit, then I don't think he's doing anything wrong. How much free time does he have?

If he's unemployed and doesn't have much going on, then I'd expect him to help more, but if he's working full time then it's a lot to ask to expect him to go with you sometimes as well as on his own.

DH has always got on well with her.

That makes a difference in my eyes.

It really wouldn't kill him to spare half-an-hour.

This is a really difficult one and I do understand how you feel. However, I can also see things from his point of view.

If I'm honest, I do think you are expecting a bit much. You don't get on with your Mum and clearly don't enjoy visiting her, but my sense is that you feel bad that no-one else visits, so would like your husband to. But maybe you should consider a different question - why does no-one else visit? Is it because she isn't very nice, or has no friends, or everyone her age has died. You are not responsible for this. Do the best you can, visit when you feel you want to and if your husband is kind enough to go with you occasionally then I would look upon that as a bonus.

For the sake of honesty I should say I never visit my MIL. I don't like her and have my own family to worry about. Her son goes every three months.

He hasn't really been with me to visit beyond her first day there and being in the car when I have gone to pick her up. He is in the house of course when I bring her to my home and sees her then.

I just suppose I feel like I need a bit of support and feel cheated because he said he would do it but actually never had any intention to do it.

He works full time.

I understand the point about the fact that he is not obliged to do it. I'm coming at it from the perspective of annoyance at an empty promise.

I would not have asked him to do it if they did not get on. It wouldn't be fair on anyone to do that. She is fond of him and although he finds it difficult to have much of a conversation with her he does like her.

She has no other local friends. I moved her from her home town to be near me as she lived 200miles away.

Honestly, I would do this for MIL as she's nice, but I wouldn't do it for FIL as he's hard work. I agree it would be nice of him but it is a big ask that he's entitled to say no to.

Just bring her to yours when he is there. I wouldn't visit my mil alone, did once because the dh insisted and it was on my way somewhere, but neither of us would repeat the experience! She's fab, just we had sod all to talk about. Your own parents are nothing like your pil.