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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Maid of honour/ hen party planning

17 replies

Foreverhungry · 01/05/2017 09:48

Back story is friend of 12 years is getting married October after short relationship, I have been asked to be maid of honour and told this means I plan the entire hen party (overnight city stay activities etc). Now since being asked months ago I've seen her a handful of times she's sent me no list of who she wants to invite and I don't fancy booking hotels etc and getting left stuck paying for any that don't turn up and I've just seen she was out last night with a big group of mutual friends and I didn't even get an invite. Aibu to tell her she can plan her own hen party ?

OP posts:

snapcrap · 01/05/2017 09:54

Sounds like a) you don't want to be her maid of honour and b) you don't like her.

If neither of those things are true, then get in contact with her for god's sake and ask her who she wants inviting etc and stop being miserable and suck it up!

If both those things are true, then tell her you can no longer be her MOH and accept the friendship is over.

If both those things are a bit true but you want to feel closer to her again, be honest and have a conversation with her. Don't accuse her of anything but say could we have dinner soon and reconnect a bit.

NapQueen · 01/05/2017 09:57

Are you being proactive? Have you asked her who to invite? When you invite people ask for their money by X date abd book after that. Overestimate the budget if needs be to make way for possible prices going up, theb give the excess back when its all booked.

Its a faff, but you are her bf and moh. Its kind of nice to help.

lionsleepstonight · 01/05/2017 09:59

If you do end up doing it, get a rough idea of total costs and communicate that to the group. Ask for a decent deposit upfront and give a date for the remaining balance. Explain any dropouts need to cover costs as it's not fair to the others. Collect outstanding payments well before hen party date so any last minute dropouts have already paid. Only use deposit money for payments, don't use your own.

AngelicaSchuylerChurch · 01/05/2017 10:00

It sounds like you don't much like the bride and / or disapprove of the relationship or fiancé...

Iamastonished · 01/05/2017 10:03

I think brides get the MOH to do all the shitty stuff so that if anything goes wrong they won't get the blame. If the bride can't give you any guidance then you can't do the work. Simple.

sarebear1983 · 01/05/2017 10:06

She must consider you her closest friend to ask you to be maid of honour. But in terms of you not seeing her much recently, sometimes life gets in the way, people get busy. And the night out could have just been a spontaneous night out, or just that she hasn't necessarily remembered to invite you or was depending on someone else to ask you. Misunderstandings and coincidences do happen.
Talk to her, in my experience, if you're planning the hen do then you need to contact the bride to get details of who she'd like there, or if you've been friends for as long as that, invite who you know she'd like there.
Start a Facebook group message for everyone you think would like to come (not the bride) and knock about some ideas. Then get prices and get folk to transfer the money in advance if you can.
I know you might be hurt by what you see as her apparent lack of friendship and I understand that but life is too short and a close friend of 12 years is too good a thing to lose. Get in contact for a catch up

Original poster

Foreverhungry · 01/05/2017 10:15

I've asked her several times to text me a list of names or set up a group fb chat, as some aren't on my friends list so I can work out hotel costs and get deposits. Half the hen party are my friends (that she isn't inviting to the wedding) as her other friends are unreliable and won't spend money. I feel like I'm being used as the most likely to arrange things and make up the numbers of people willing to spend money. I don't want to let her down but I do feel used.

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 01/05/2017 10:24

Definitely do not book anything until you have money for everyone.

Or ask bride for her credit card.

Why do you think she didn't invite you to the night out?

Chloe84 · 01/05/2017 10:25

*from everyone

maddening · 01/05/2017 10:35

You send a link to the hotel to her friends list - everyone books their own rooms - you book yours and hers. Send out list of activities - say to say now if any are no good - once you have a favoured list say you need the full cost now and only book in the number that pay up.

JustSpeakSense · 01/05/2017 10:43

It's not appropriate to invite people who aren't even invited to the wedding to the hen do.

Iamastonished · 01/05/2017 10:43

Some good ideas from maaddening. If the response is too low I would suggest a few drinks and a meal out instead.

This has the potential to cause a lot of problems if you don't keep it simple and inexpensive.

PhyllisNights · 01/05/2017 10:53

Come to a compromise of what you can organise and what she can do.

I've heard of friends planning hen do's and having to get involved with that whole exclusion of some people. It's a horrible mess.

GreenHillsSunnySkies · 01/05/2017 12:03

I have to ask why you're even considering doing this for someone you've more or less admitted here that you know is using you? Don't want to let her down? Do you lie down and let other people in your life wipe their feet on you? I also want to know why you're going to invite people to spend money on her hen party that you know she won't be inviting to the wedding? Is it the norm in your friendship circle to treat each other like this? WTF is wrong with you?

Iamastonished · 01/05/2017 12:37

WTF is wrong with the friend?

Original poster

Foreverhungry · 03/05/2017 08:44

Sorry for the late reply, I've decided text her saying we need to get together and book things, that way she can use her bank card and she knows who she wants to invite. I'm pretty sure after the wedding we will see less and less of each other and I'll be quicker to say no next time I'm asked to do something for someone else's convenience.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 03/05/2017 12:00

Forever, if the bride doesn't get back to you sharpish, talk to her and say her plans won't work as people don't want to spend that kind of money or commit to more than one day or evening. Suggest meal out, club or pub after or something simple, if people don't turn up no-one is out of pocket.

I think hen do's are way out of control these days, it's wrong to make people feel obligated and spend money they can't afford. I also suspect some don't enjoy it and end up resentful.

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