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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13 reasons why - AIBU?

23 replies

Lonelybutnice · 01/05/2017 09:07

Not sure if many of you have watched the series on Netflix but it's thrown up a debate between my friend and I and I'm wondering AIBU or is she?

We both have teenage DC - me 16 year old DS, her 17 year old DS and 16 year old DD.

I thought the series was excellent and she thought it was dreadful. She argues that it just adds to the modern trend of over dramatising teenage issues and buys into the current attitude that our children are the 'be all and end all' as opposed to the old attitude 'should be seen and not heard'

I think it was a good depiction of the modern issues that teens face. Bullying has ramped up big time with the availability of cyber bullying and there's a competitive trend now that I don't think was as prevalent when I was a teen. Just wondering if anyone had any thoughts?

OP posts:

firstnightwemet · 01/05/2017 09:11

She argues that it just adds to the modern trend of over dramatising teenage issues and buys into the current attitude that our children are the 'be all and end all' as opposed to the old attitude 'should be seen and not heard'

The old attitude? As in the attitude that existed 100 years ago? Does she also believe a woman shouldn't show her ankles in public?

LivingInMidnight · 01/05/2017 09:13

I agree with you. I don't want to put a spoiler, but some of those issues were HUGE! Were they supposed to shut up and be quiet because they were under 18 when it happened?

I thought it was excellent. A bit harrowing at the end, I think I'd forgotten what it was leading up to. Did your friend actually watch the whole thing?

Redken24 · 01/05/2017 09:14

I'm 27 and I totally agree with you. Mobile phones were just becoming popular when I was in school. My younger sister had them the whole time and it is much easier to be bullied nowadays. There isn't much escape - quite scary. I really enjoyed watching it - the rape scenes were awful I couldn't watch but it's really thought provoking, I wish I had seen it when I was younger maybe i could have avoided situation's or been a bit more aware of things.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2017 09:28

I only watched a few episodes, dd and ds 17 and 15 watched it all.

I couldn't watch it because it annoyed me so much. I know it is a drama but it was the equivalent of pretty blonde girl walking home alone though the woods after hearing about the escaped mad man from the local lunatic asylum on the radio.

I just thought the character of Hannah was either extremely stupid or annoying. Spent most of what I did watch shouting Ffs at the tv.

Maybe I missed the point of the series.

Lonelymummyof1 · 01/05/2017 09:45

I struggle to see how bullying led to the suicide.
She was raped.
Bullying and rape is 2 different things.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2017 10:04

DD couldn't believe that she got into a hot tub with a known rapist when no one was around and then was surprised at what happened next.

I was not the only one shouting at the screen.

stella23 · 01/05/2017 10:18

*DD couldn't believe that she got into a hot tub with a known rapist when no one was around and then was surprised at what happened next.

I was not the only one shouting at the screen.*
But she didn't though, and it's a bit victim blaming really.
But she got in with some friends who then got out.

But I think it Hannah is very dramatic, she offens test people to see how react to her, wanting them to do one thing but telling them to do another, and when they fail the test she blames them for not caring enough.

I mean really what did clay do wrong?

The tapes were revenge to make people feel guilty, and to prove they didn't care.

Floofborksnootandboop · 01/05/2017 10:47

DD couldn't believe that she got into a hot tub with a known rapist when no one was around and then was surprised at what happened next.

Wow, victim blaming at its finest there. She didn't get into a hot tub with him, she got in with her friends who then left. She was already in there when Bryce got in and did try to leave but he wouldn't let her.

PhyllisNights · 01/05/2017 10:51

I don't think anyone who is under the age of 18 should be watching it. It glorifies suicide, and the teenage characters are a bunch of unlikeable brats with no respect for their teachers or parents.

SaveMeBarry · 01/05/2017 11:01

I realise it's fiction but given the character did actually commit suicide it's a bit odd for someone to watch it and come away with such a dismissive attitude. I mean it's fine to think that certain things may have effected her disproportionately but surely that's true of many things that happen to people? One teen will be knocked for six by being rejected by a boyfriend or let down by friend, for another it's easily shrugged off. The point imo was that all of these things had a cumulative effect and her death was the result.

I actually liked that Hannah wasn't perfect, that she could be annoying and overly dramatic about certain things because it humanised the character. She was like lots of teens - sometimes fun, sometimes moody, the point is that some or all of these things can happen to any girl and they may not be equipped or feel supported to come out the other side.

Overall I thought the show did a good job of showing the accepted misogyny that goes on every day for young girls, the slut shaming and just generally the rape culture we live in.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2017 11:14

The issue was Hannah would shout and scream at people who were trying to be nice or help her and when they stopped she slit her wrists and blamed them for everything.

She could dish it out but not take it.

There was plenty of time for her to climb out of the hot tub. She chose not to. Maybe the lesson for teens is don't drink alcohol as it stops you moving yourself out of danger or doing dangerous things

Mari50 · 01/05/2017 11:55

I really enjoyed this series.
I do have some issues with how it handled suicide and yes, it did glamorise it. It also played into the fantasy that a lot of teenagers would have that they can continue to exist and view the aftermath- I felt.
However a lot of the issues raised are really pertitnent and need to be discussed and brought into the open. I'm trying very hard to avoid spoilers here!!

expatinscotland · 01/05/2017 12:12

I only read the book. She wasn't raped in the book. She passed by the dregs of the party and got into the hot tub. The other girl left and Hannah then had sex with the boy.

Found it all really unbelievable. All the teens were left entirely on their own with no adult supervision at all. No one seemed interested in anything other than themselves.

Even the night of the big party, just total BS.

Madhairday · 01/05/2017 12:19

I'm just over half way through watching with DD who is 16. I think it's actually doing a good job of highlighting issues facing teens. Things which might seem a small thing on their own that someone might get over are not so small when cumulative. Hannah is flawed which makes it more real. It sounds like the next few episodes are more harrowing so I will be having chats with DD about them - I think it's a good opportunity to open up talk about these issues.

I think it's well done.

StandardNameHere · 01/05/2017 12:21

I thought it was heartbreaking.
Whether Hannah was a bit dramatic and annoying or not, she still felt what she did and the thought of my daughter feeling so broken to the point of no return just broke my heart.
I thought the series was brilliant at showing how simple things you do can impact on others.
I watched with my daughter and we have had many debates over it. Surely that is a good thing

Soyamilkisniceintea · 01/05/2017 12:23

Sounds like inspector calls for adolescents.

LetsSplashMummy · 01/05/2017 12:32

Other than the rape, there was very little that happened to her that was really bullying - people are allowed to not commit to being her best friend, forever and ever, without a sensationalised revenge suicide as punishment. Similarly, a guy turning up late for a date and asking the girl if she wants to go back to his place - sure, not perfect gentleman behaviour but he was meant to be 17 too.

She didn't exactly treat people brilliantly either she was very me, me , me. Not once did she actually sort out a problem, just stored up a nasty little hit list.

I thought it was really irresponsible to make this show - it entirely feeds into the drama and romantic side to suicide, the "see what you made me do, bet you're all sorry now," fantasies that are already too common in teenagers. Suicide is contagious, which is why we have tight press regulations in this country. So, although I don't agree with where your friend is coming from, I agree with her about the show.

PeppermintTeaPlease · 01/05/2017 12:36

It was a novel first. I have several students who have been forbidden to watch the TV series. Their parents are unaware that their teens had already read the book.

The novel was more poignant than the TV series, I thought, but no great work of literature. The hype over the (rather cheesy) TV series is lending a weight and significance to the work that just isn't there...

expatinscotland · 01/05/2017 12:47

'The novel was more poignant than the TV series, I thought, but no great work of literature. The hype over the (rather cheesy) TV series is lending a weight and significance to the work that just isn't there...'

This. In spades.

SashaSashays · 01/05/2017 12:55

We watched it, to the end, but didn't enjoy it and also came away feeling totally disapproving of it.

Yes it highlights the impact of small actions becoming cumulatively serious but I also think it glamourises suicide as a way to turn the tide to your favour. A bit, "if only they knew how you felt' in extreme.

I came away thinking that it also minimised the impact of rape because it implied that was just 1 element of a long line of terrible things, equivalent to being ditched by a friend. I think it should have been significant enough in itself.

The other issue I had which is quite hard to explain, but theres something about being the 'cool girl'. She is suicidal and destroyed but has the wherewithal to organise this elaborate scheme on the oh so quirky tape player. Its made tragic because she was beautiful and like etc. It doesn't really show how the upset for the average kid, like the photographer or the girl Skye from the coffee shop.

I don't agree with your friend that children should be seen and not heard at all but I also do think it's an over dramatisation of school being so significant and everything being made a big deal.

Cactuar · 01/05/2017 13:18

Letssplashmummy - Marcus didn't just turn up late for a date and ask her to his parents house - did you miss the part where he sexually assaulted her?

c0ffeebean · 18/05/2018 19:18

A team of academics (including my OH) are conducting some research on #13ReasonsWhy, but they need your help to do it. Whether you loved or hated it, or even if you haven't actually seen it, you can still participate! Please fill in this questionnaire >> bournemouth.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/13-reasons-why-2

agnurse · 18/05/2018 19:46

I haven't seen it and don't plan to, nor do I intend to let my DSD (13) watch it. This is because I've read about concerns from the medical community regarding the show. (As a nurse I have access to continuing education programs. One of them included how to discuss the show with adolescent patients and a discussion of why healthcare professionals have concerns.)

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