AIBU why mediation isn't a good idea in abusive situations?

[lalalalyra]

I know it's not AIBU strictly, but I need advice.

I've been "invited" to a family mediation session with my siblings. However, my eldest brother is a bully. He's arrogant and rude and will use emotional blackmail to get his own way.

It's my nephews wedding soon so I don't want to make his life difficult by saying "I'm not talking to your Dad in medication because he's abusive" but there is a section on the form that asks about the situation and it says that if the mediator feels the situation is abusive they will refuse mediation. Obviously I don't want to underplay the situation or nothing will get sorted, but now I'm wondering if family mediation is a good idea given the situation.

Try having a look at "shuttle" mediation and maybe call the mediator to discuss?
That way you "go along" with the mediation request, but limit the exposure to abuse

I'll have a look into that thanks.

Who instigated the mediation session?

My SIL, brother's wife, suggested it. She and I are/were incredibly close (my eldest brother is 9 years older than me so his wife was like a big sister/aunt/mum figure to me). She's been desperate to help/try and fix things since she and my brother got back together - they split up after the initial issue where I went NC [the illness/death of our so-called father and the outrage from my siblings that I wouldn't change my stance on not visiting, not attending the funeral and not wanting me or my kids names on any obituaries. It sparked the outing of years of resentment that I was unaware my older siblings held and ww3 when the eldest treated me like a spoilt child.]

It's got brother's approval because he's desperate for me to attend the wedding. The most important thing in the world to him is what things look like to the outside world and me not there will raise questions (I'd go and stay perfectly civil like I did at our nieces wedding, but brother is paying for the wedding and feels we need to be 'speaking' for me to be invited).

Discovered today it was basically a saving face exercise for my brother. They "suggested" a date (I thought dates etc would come from the mediator, but apparently not) I assumed it was a genuine "suggestion" and explained that a different date would be better as DH is away with work on that date so I'd have to bring the baby and I'd have to work round school times. Within an hour I'd head (from someone well meaning) that he was telling people he's tried and I just rejected mediation. Obviously the suggestion was his choice of date and that was that.

I'm not massively surprised. I did say to DH it was either a way to make me behave or to see his POV. I guess the fact I'm considerably more upset about this meaning I'll likely not be at my nephews wedding than I am never speaking to my brother again says it all.

Don't know why I even got my hopes up tbh. It's like being a child again.

Ugh that is really rubbish. What is your best case senario in all this? What would be your best result?

Best case scenario is that my SIL talks him into accepting that I should be invited because we managed to civilly ignore each other at my niece's wedding (other brother's daughter). I don't see it though.

My nephew is getting married in a huge church that was our local family church so worst comes to worst I'll go to the service (it's really common for people who hear the banns or who knew so-and-so's granny to do that so I won't stick out like a sore thumb).

I'm just really gutted I likely won't see him properly on his wedding day as we were/are really close. He even lived with me for a while when he fell out with his father.

It has reminded me to trust my instinct. When it first came up I thought "no, he'll just use this to twist things either about me or to my face" but I talked myself into being reasonable.