To think I can rescue this cactus?

[WallToWallBastards]

I love a good low effort plant and at Christmas I bought 2 cacti, a succulent and an air plant. The air plant lasted 2 weeks. The succulent looks like it's on its way out but I remain hopeful. My friend thinks I should be publicly shamed for my crimes against plants but I'm sure I can do something magic or sciencey.

Don't get it drunk for starters

Agree with your friend that poor plant

Does he live in a can? Get him a lovely new pot for a home 🏡

He does like his fancy beers

Cacti are amazingly resilient, I have several which have survived years of being ignored when I was a student and are actually doing well now! I would say get it a pot and if you want to fork out for some 'cactus compost' it would probably appreciate it. Water it ONCE (and not enough to drown the poor desert-dwelling thing) then leave it alone for at least a week. They do seem to like that approach!

I think you may have over-watered it. Especially if there are no drainage holes in that can.

it's all...flaccid...,

Maybe I need to admit defeat, I did everything the leaflet told me

I always over water cacti.

The skinny bit hanging down to the right still looks green. You might be able to resurrect it as a cutting or graft.
In the nicest possible way, though, this may be beyond your horticultural skill set...

Benign neglect is best for most plants, with some water every 1-2 weeks.

That having been said, whenever I bring home a plant, my kids like to yell out; "mom has found another victim!"

I love plants, though, I keep hoping I will be able to maintain them...

I think you might struggle with that one! I agree could be a possible over watering situation.

Yeah I think over watered as well. I only water mine every three to four weeks in Spring summer and not at all in Autumn winter because apparently they are dormant during that period. Before I had my current cacti I had one that killed because I watered it too much, like you would a regular plant.

Those ones have horrible itchy hairs that irritate your skin if you touch it, so I'd bin it on those grounds alone avoid actual contact

I can't remember the last time I actually watered it. My most successful cactus went months without watering, I only did it when he started looking at bit shrivelled

What the hell is it!?

I think I'm going to have to give him a tasteful burial and maybe go on a cactus course I've been on a course for just about everything else and I'm still crap at it all

Maybe cut into it a bit to see if it's lush inside. Sounds like a major case of dehydration.

You can save it! I make my own cactus compost by using stealing a tiny bit of playground or builders sand, and mix it with normal compost; half and half.
Neglect all winter, water with pure virgin rainwater, once it grows you can water it more in summer and leave outside.
I think you should give a yearly update till time memorandum if that's the correct saying?