DM & meeting new partner after NC

[cowslipped]

I've been NC with my DM for just over a year now, I wasn't happy with her demands and she hasn't even tried to keep a relationship with my children who she has basically disowned and replaced ( complicated story) her last text said she was disappointed in me. My partner is hurt and fuming because of the way she has treated us all.

Yesterday I got a text saying DM will be nearby on Monday as she's going on holiday with her partner and would like to pop in. I've never met her partner before.

AIBU to think this would be an inappropriate way to meet her new partner and meet up with DM again after a year or so of NC? It will be very uncomfortable.

It's not about her. What do you want? Do you want to see her? That is your first decision.

I suspect your Mother thinks a first meeting with a new partner in tow will mean that the initial conversion will be 'not too heavy on the past'.

No. Dont do it.

Has shr said sorry for anything? Reached out to make ammeds? No.

Sounds to me like she's using the new partner as a tactic. Don't let her

Do you want to establish contact again or are you happier being NC? If you don't feel ready or comfortable than text back stating you've already got plans you can't rearrange that day so it's not convenient. Then go out. Don't apologise or try and arrange anything else. Then make plans and head out. If you want to test the waters, make plans for later in the day and tell her You're available from 10-12. If you don't want the kids there, ask DP to take them out for the day.

I'm not to bothered in making much effort to see her, life is a lot simpler without but I do feel a bit torn.

My partner isn't keen on them coming here to our home and would prefer to go meet them on neutral ground but I don't particularly fancy 1and a half hours each way in bank holiday traffic on my day off.

Either you want a relationship with your mother or not. If not then don't bother.

If you think you could value a relationship with her then see her - it is a good way to build bridges as you can start with a fresh approach, involve her new partner etc. She also has someone with her rather than it being Her v You and your DP when what would be most likely would be confrontation and blame.

It would be awkward I think, you're hardly going to have any meaningful conversation with a stranger there, I imagine it will all be polite chatter which she'll use to sweep everything under the carpet and take it as a given that all is right again.
I wouldn't do it.

You're out, remember? You have that thing you've planned for ages...

It's not convenient, sorry...

She knows if she brings some poor bugger along, you will have to be nice to her and then she will be justified in saying that you're over your little hissy fit....

Trust me, you're nc for a reason, those reasons have not changed.

I'm not one for confrontation so even if she came alone it would be fake cheery conversation which yes she would use to sweep the past under the carpet. Not sure I'm ready for that to happen but still feel I should have some sort of relationship with her. Trouble is with her it's all or nothing and I'm not ready for 'all' and neither is my partner.

If you're happy to start a relationship with your DM again and move on without a deep conversation about whatever led to you stopping contact then let her visit.
If you feel you need to have that conversation with her before renewing the relationship then tell her this visit isn't the right time for you.

She obviously has issues, and they affect you and your family. Try to get to the bottom of why you feel you should have some sort of a relationship with her. Is it that your DC should have a grandmother? That whatever she's done or is, she's still your mother?

I'm not saying you have to achieve this voyage of discovery before tomorrow, far from it! But it's perfectly OK to not be ready yet. It's OK to want it to be a proper relationship with boundaries, not one where everything is done on her whim.

So if you're not ready to see her tomorrow or to allow her to feel that what she's done in the past can all be swept away by a visit with her new DP, then yes - tell her tomorrow isn't possible and don't feel guilty about it.

Is this so she can show off her gc to her new partner? I wouldn't agree to it but that's me.

I've sent a simple reply saying it's probably not a good idea.

If it was her coming alone I might of been a bit more open to the idea of her visiting but I really don't think it's the right time or place to meet her new partner. If I were to of mentioned that she would of come to the conclusion that I'm somehow bothered by him. I'm not, I'm glad she's not alone. She has form for inviting unwanted guests to our home. This is actually part of the initial fall out would you believe.

Well done.