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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated by DH turning mute around the DC?

53 replies

hollyvsivy · 29/04/2017 16:21

DH works long hours and is away more often than not. That means I'm on my own with three DC (one with SN and one only 19 months old), two dogs, numerous other animals, a job and a pregnancy that's leaving me extremely sick and tired pretty much all the time. He finishes work at 5 and then gets to eat out and socialise so I think he should be well rested when he comes home and step up.

However, I still feel like I can't take a step back even when he's here. If the DC are doing something they shouldn't or are upset he'll look at me and stand there silently. Today our five year old was really upset and he sat there in silence the entire time, then asked if I wanted a cup of tea I couldn't help myself and remarked "oh, so you do still have a voice then?"

We went swimming and I took 5 yo to the toilet, when we go back to the pool 19 month old is running around the edge and DH is following but not saying anything. Again, I have to step in to tell her to stop. She picked up someone else's goggles and I explain they're someone else's and to put them back and she does. DH hears this. 5 yo asks to show me something so DH takes 19 month old and when I turn back she had the goggles in her mouth. DH is just watching.

At the park afterwards I'm tying the dogs up and 19 month old goes running off towards the roundabout. It's spinning so I call out for DH to tell her to stop because she's too fat away to hear me. He doesn't, he starts chasing her instead but doesn't make it in time so she now has a huge bump where it knocked her onto the floor.

Yesterday he watched her get chewing gum out of his pocket and said nothing as she toddled off with it. It's always left to me to say something. AIBU to be irritated by this?

OP posts:

Orangetoffee · 29/04/2017 17:20

Ah that poster 53rd, in that case nothing will change

PoorYorick · 29/04/2017 17:22

What is it with men who work demanding jobs with long hours and travel and responsibility and yet are apparently terminally stupid when it comes to something like supervising children in a pool?

Graceflorrick · 29/04/2017 17:23

Don't put up with it OP.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2017 17:24

And when you bring this up with him, what does he say?

You have spoken with him about his behaviour, haven't you?

ijustwannadance · 29/04/2017 17:29

Sorry but why the fuck would you keep having children with the dickhead knowing he is so shit then complain about it? Do you think that with each baby he will change?

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2017 17:38

OP, can I ask you a question?

I've just read your other thread regarding your husband choosing not to see his older children, but pretending that this is because their mother won't allow it.

He has detached from his older children completely. Do you feel that his behaviour towards your children is the start of him detatching from them?

Dervel · 29/04/2017 17:48

Has he ever been actually attached in the first place?

LadyPW · 29/04/2017 17:51

I'll probably get shouted down for asking this but.... when you say one of your kids is SN are you talking autism? Because if so I'm wondering if he's autistic - it could explain the lack of conversational input, and the not working out that he needs to input with the kids' behaviour.

WyfOfBathe · 29/04/2017 18:01

My father was quite like this when I was a child. I think he didn't know what to do or how to parent, but whatever the reason we don't have the best relationship now. It also changed my perception of fathers in general, so I used to be surprised at how hands-on my DH is with his DD.

Vroomster · 29/04/2017 18:05

And yet you continue to have children with him.

yerbutnobut · 29/04/2017 19:37

I'm getting the vibe he feels unattached emotionally, the way you describe him he comes across as a 'spectator', there in body but mind. Perhaps it is because hes not there a lot, whatever it is though you do need to have a conversation, you can't carry on like this.

yerbutnobut · 29/04/2017 19:38

*but not mind!

Original poster

hollyvsivy · 29/04/2017 22:45

Yes, Whereyouleftit, that's what I suspect.

It was different with our first together. Because she's autistic she was very very difficult to manage as a baby and toddler and couldn't deal with DH doing anything at all so I did everything whether he was home or not. It's only now our second one is getting a bit older that I've realised he doesn't seem to plan to do anything with her, either.

I don't criticise him so he can't be worried about getting it wrong. He is so passive that I do wonder if he could be autistic, too. He is quite antisocial but then overly affectionate with me and the DC. Our 5 yo hates affection but still he tries every day and every day he looks surprised when she pushes him away or even hits or kicks him.

I have spoken to him about not stepping up and get says he sees them so little he doesn't want to upset them. He just doesn't get it when I explain that actually he's upsetting them more in the long run. The other day, for example, our youngest was drawing at the table and got down with the pen. I would then immediately tell her to go back to the table and leave the pen there. Instead, he let her walk around with it until she was climbing on the sofa with it so it needed to be removed. Even still, he kept saying "we'll put it down in a minute DD", she'd scream "no!" so he'd leave it. He just waits until I intervene and then leaves me to deal with the tears. A few weeks ago, 5 yo was doing aqua beads with me and 19 month old approached. I told her they're too small, and not to touch them. She was fine with this and had some stickers instead. I had to take 5 yo yo the toilet a few minutes later and when I returned DH had given her her own pot of beads to carry. She then proceeded to put one up each nostril when he wasn't looking. He apologies after things like this but it's wearing a bit thin.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 29/04/2017 23:43

This sounds intolerable op - I honestly think it would drive me round the bend.

Original poster

hollyvsivy · 29/04/2017 23:57

If he learned from mistakes I could deal with it but I know we'll have the pen tears again tomorrow and I'll have to be on full duty all say as usual which I don't feel is fair on me or the DC.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2017 00:55

So what are you going to do about it?

mygorgeousmilo · 30/04/2017 10:38

You say he doesn't learn from mistakes.... do you? He doesn't see his other kids, yet you have continue to have more kids with him. You don't answer anyone's questions on any of the many, many threads you start but don't really finish.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 30/04/2017 10:56

Sometimes i think the other parent is scared too get involved due to how the stay at home parent will react. Ive seen comments on here with STAHP saying they dont agree with the other parent has handled the situation. My sister is one of the worst for this. She will ask for back up and a united front and when she gets exactly that she doesnt like it. She will tell her children too ignore him, or tell him he has no right but then in the next breath will moan how she feels like a referee and has no back up.

LadyPW · 30/04/2017 10:59

If he is autistic then learning from his mistakes isn't necessarily going to happen. And it might help you to understand if you did some research on adults with autism & relationships so you could see that he's not doing it to be bloody awkward. (But that is if he is autistic, he might not be)

Crunchymum · 30/04/2017 11:05

How does he work "very long hours" if he finishes at 5 and goes out to eat and socialise???

Sorry OP, you are doomed for a life of crap with this guy (until he decides to bin you off and have no contact with you and the kids like he did with his older kids!)

Crunchymum · 30/04/2017 11:08

How old are the kids btw? I've only seen you mention the 19mo and the 5yo.

And how pregnant are you?

Original poster

hollyvsivy · 30/04/2017 11:35

He stopped seeing his other children after we already had ours, who are 5 and 19 months. I also have a 9 year old. I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

OP posts:

VerySadInside · 30/04/2017 11:49

So three months ago he was an amazing father and you agreed to have another child? Wow that's a sudden change, maybe he needs to see a Dr.

AlcoholicsUnanimous · 30/04/2017 11:52

I agree with Crunchy, eating out and socialising doesn't count towards 'very long hours.' It also contradicts what you say about him being anti social.
If I were you I'd be having an honest conversation with him about him being involved, starting with him knocking the eating out and socialising after work on th head and coming home earlier to help you and be with his kids.
It sounds as if he's purposefully choosing to ignore behaviour that needs to be dealt with because he wants the kids to like him. Parenting
doesn't work like that, and it's incredibly unfair of him to make you the bad cop all the time.
What would happen if you left him alone with the kids for a few hours tomorrow?

Orangetoffee · 30/04/2017 12:04

verysad on her other thread she said it has been nearly 2 years since they last saw the children.

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