To not be sure what to do?

[boffin9207]

OH and I have been together about three years, lived together for two. He travels for work every week, and I commute. I recently changed jobs to the other side of London so cannot commute from where we are so we are looking to move.

We had agreed a location (let's call it X) based on the properties around there. Earlier this week I expressed my concern that 1) would he be happy there as I know he wasn't keen on the move anyway and 2) money. He makes more than me, we split household costs down the middle (which I am fine with) but I can't always afford to do xyz and don't have as much disposable cash. I have taken a pay cut in my current job for longer term prospects. I told him I was really concerned about money and being able to know that he would be there if I needed him as otherwise I didn't feel it would work. He told me that if I didn't think he would I didn't know him at all etc etc. BUT there have been instances in the past which have led me to think he might be like this.

Anyway, he has now said to me that he doesn't want to live in X because of my "behaviour" and he thinks it is too remote (it's zone 4) and he must be closer to his friends for when he sees them once a month. I suggested place Y which was somewhere we liked and looked at to start but Y is out of our price range and it is only 10 minutes away from X!

There have been times in the past where I have thought about leaving. I've stayed because I have wanted it to work and we want the same things long term. AIBU to be pissed off? Should I just go?

Of course he doesn't! I'm guessing because everything is going his way!

I just wanted to thank you for your guidance.

I was set on leaving but he wanted to talk - didn't want me to leave, was more than willing to compromise on location but just wants us to live in as nice a place as we can afford, is scared that I will change my mind again so doesn't want to be too far from his friends, offered a solution for covering the cost of things so that he pays for more etc. There was more, including reassurance for stuff that he has never said before. We even found a place that we both seem to like. But now it feels kind of anti-climatic, and along with a fight about household chores after a long day today I just wonder if I have made the right choice.

Perhaps your eyes were opened and now you are seeng things more clearly than before? Take things slowly. Don't make any financial commitments until you are sure.

"But now it feels kind of anti-climatic"
I suspect this is because you know that if you hadn't stood up for yourself, he'd have continued to bulldoze you into putting his preferences before your needs. So you also know that you are not his priority - you come way behind him, in his eyes. It's a sobering thought, that your partner isn't looking out for you .

It's been a week since you talked to him about all this. Just seven days, and already he can't hold his facade of 'partner' in place, and has returned to the 'user' he is more comfortable being.

Sorry, but I don't think you have made the right choice . He's testing out what is the absolute minimum he can get away with. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Sorry I meant it felt anti-climatic in regards to finding somewhere to live.

He went out with friends last night (which I knew about) and when I got in the flat was a mess (apparently no different to how I left it?!) and he had no intention of putting his dishes from his dinner away which lead to an argument. With me being away, he had been home a day longer than me. Sure he was working but it takes 5 minutes to clean up after yourself and 5 minutes to put your clothes washing away!

Hmm. Well, my DH and I still fight about domestic chores, and we've lived together for 15+ years. If it is bothering you now, pre-childre, then it will drive you insane once you have a family and other messy people in the mix. I didn't start to get cross about it until too late, in a way - our division of labour would be better if I'd been insistent from the start. My DH is a good bloke but rather lazy, and doesn't care about mess - it is a huge source of tension so fix that while you can!

If you go ahead with a new tenancy, just make sure you are working on your relationship all the time - calling him out on the things that need to improve. Don't fall victim to the "sunken costs" fallacy, where you stay just because you feel you've invested too much in the relationship to leave.

It does sound to me as if he has some growing up to do, and it's really going to be a test to see if you can grow together or not. I'd probably be looking at the new flat as a 6-month tenancy (in my mind, you don't need to say it out loud) to work together on the priorities in your relationship.

Thank you. I feel like if I am not happy it is maybe time to walk away. It's hard to walk away from everything though, and everything I have wanted and if it's what I decide to do, I have no idea how to do it. i also don't think it is fair to him for me to keep changing my mind.