Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH a selfish twat?

29 replies

emmalie · 27/04/2017 09:59

DH works long hours and is currently training for his 3rd Ironman despite a high pressure job and a complicated familiar set up- I have 2 SC (10&14) and two DC (11&5) 11yo is from a previous relationship.

Since training began DH has been swimming, cycling and or running before and after work on most days, he occasionally get into work up to 30 mins late because of this and works later (he's the boss)

I suffer with bipolar and anxiety and I'm learning to recognise the signs of an on coming low phase to try to deal with it before it gets out of hand. The last few days I've been starting to feel low and really need to act on it before it gets to the point that I can't leave the house.

When I feel like this it takes a huge amount of effort to get up and dressed on my own let alone with DC so I asked DH to take youngest dc to school this morning. DH is unaware of my low mood but I have told him that since I am a sahm I won't ask him to do the school run unless I really need him to. DH agreed to school run and I began to mentally prepare for dragging myself out of bed and trying to get up and out to the gym.

Came down at 08.00 to find DH still here and ironing a shirt. I reminded him that DS could be at school as early as 0800 so he could've left by now, he then got cross and left, saying something about how I could've told him and that now he was going to be late (we had a whole conversation about school times in Monday).

At 0900 I receive a picture of stationary traffic and a text saying 'not moving'. This basically means that he's angry with me because he's going to be late for work.
I now feel so stressed as he resents me every time I ask anything of him and is a very passive aggressive person who can sulk for days. However, if it had been his training that had made him late it would be fine! He is an intrinsically selfish person and doesn't seem to think or care why I might have asked to him to do the school run today, everything seems to tick over as long as he is doing whatever suits him. We then got into a text row.

I am now feeling so low about the situation that my motivational plan has failed anyway and I'm sitting in my pj's on the sofa under a blanket- it's had the opposite affect because I know how much DH resents me and my illness and in fact any favour I ask of him😞

OP posts:
BillHicksRanting · 27/04/2017 10:03

I think you answered your own question, especially in your second to last paragraph.

I think you need to sit him down and explain that you need more support and that helping you and the children is more important than training for an iron man. And if he can't see it, isn't supportive or sulks then it tells you he isn't the man for you. A partner will always support, not sulk.

PeaFaceMcgee · 27/04/2017 10:04

Yanbu. He's a selfish twat.

he resents me every time I ask anything of him and is a very passive aggressive person who can sulk for days

Living with such an idiot is enough to make anyone depressed!

Valentine2 · 27/04/2017 10:08

No wonder you are depressed.
He needs to be told his jobs around the house. He also needs to give you time so you could help your mental health issues. Have you thought about getting a job?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/04/2017 10:11

Him doing the school run isn't a favour when they are his dc.

If he is the boss and can be late due to running etc he can be late whilst parenting his dc too.
You need to spell it out to him how you are feeling of he la is empathy to your health. .
You cope with his twatism so he needs to get to grips with helping you while you are feeling low too.

Hope your day picks up for you. Flowers

Original poster
emmalie · 27/04/2017 10:24

he resents me every time I ask anything of him and is a very passive aggressive person who can sulk for days

I said this to him, he says it's "bullshit". The thing is it's actually not. I think he's a narcissist as he doesn't seem to think he ever does anything wrong, he's actually told me that it's always meSad

OP posts:
Original poster
emmalie · 27/04/2017 10:27

valentine2

I only stopped working in September, I used to work for him which was awful.
I gave up to spend more time with DC and concentrate on my own health and wellbeing as i've had a very difficult few years in terms of family problems and a bad childhood which has recently resurfaced.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 27/04/2017 10:30

YANBU

He is indeed a selfish twat.

What are you going to do about it? Flowers

Original poster
emmalie · 27/04/2017 10:51

What are you going to do about it?

Well he began to convince me that it is all me and told me that our marriage couldn't work unless I went to a therapist, been seeing her for three months. The thing is that seeing the therapist is making me see that he is a very unreasonable person and that it isn't just me.

He seems to twist everything and tries to make me feel lucky if I complain as I have a 'great life'. We have money and I have free time during the day to do what I like. (In actual fact I spend most of my time doing household chores) He calls me high maintenance when I ask him to treat me with consideration and tells me that it's never enough.

He makes rash decisions on a whim and messes me around constantly so I never know where I stand. On Saturday he said he gave me a budget and said he wanted to go on holiday to The Seychelles. I spent four days doing research, finding the nicest child friendly hotel for our money. I also briefed our travel agent who also did a hell of a lot of research. Yesterday I told DH we were ready to book, he then said we actually couldn't afford it as we should spend the money on the house!
When I told him how much time the travel agent and I wasted on research and that he was totally unfair he just moved to the other room, switched the to on and ignored me! I was furious, should I not have been? Or was ibu? I feel I've totally lost touch with what is normal behaviour and what isn'tConfused

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2017 10:57

Sounds a bit like gaslighting to me.

He sounds like a complete and utter wanker. And the very fact that you've posted in Aibu instead of relationships shows just how unsure he's made you. You might want to have a think about getting this thread moved over.

Blanca87 · 27/04/2017 11:00

Yuk. He is a minipulative cunt.

Msqueen33 · 27/04/2017 11:09

He sounds vile. I have three kids between 9 and 4 and my youngest two have autism so life is stressful. My husband works long hours but today took our older two to school because I've been up at 4am the last few nights with our youngest. You're meant to be a team. He sounds like a selfish horrible little man who twists stuff to suit himself.

Velvetbee · 27/04/2017 11:15

Nasty manipulative bastard.

PeaFaceMcgee · 27/04/2017 11:17

He's impossible. There's nowhere to go with that, except the inevitable x

MycatsaPirate · 27/04/2017 11:18

Does he spend any time with any of the dc at all?

I would think seriously about whether you want to continue with this relationship. It sounds like you are at home doing everything while he lives the life of a single man.

Twopeapods · 27/04/2017 11:52

Are you happy in this relationship? Does he spend any time with you or the children? He sounds very manipulative.
Does your SC live with you full time?
I think you should start having a think about LTB as he is no good for your mental health.

FritzDonovan · 27/04/2017 12:10

Is it possible that he's just a really selfish git? Having mentioned the holiday, he then later changed his mind but didn't think to tell you (as he's so self centered it didn't occur to him you were spending time working it out)?
Cause he's definitely selfish where the personal training time and not wanting to help with everyday dc stuff when asked for help.

FritzDonovan · 27/04/2017 12:10

with the personal training time

Original poster
emmalie · 27/04/2017 12:12

He trains for 3/4 hours early morning on Sat and Sunday so does spend time with the children at weekends, when he's here he kind of takes over everything though so I don't actually get a look in with the children, he loves it that because they don't see him much during the week they gravitate towards him more
He usually gets home early enough to put youngest to bed about twice a week but is often out late with for meetings/dinners etc. most other weekday evenings.

DS stay with us every other weekend and holidays supposedly but things chop and change constantly as his EW makes constant demands which because of my anxiety and need for routine stresses me out a lot.
Confused

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 27/04/2017 12:15

He really does sound selfish in some ways but I'm a bit confused about the level of hate

He's unaware of my low mood
Hardly his fault he's not taking it into account if he doesn't know Hmm

Also op asks him to do school run and it sounds like he said yes without fuss? Maybe I've missed something but there is surely room for improvement on communication if nothing else.

If he doesn't know you're struggling and you're asking for more things from him it may well seem from his point of view you "always want more"

bluebrushes · 27/04/2017 12:15

Keep going to the therapist-s/he will help lift the scales from your eyes.Best of luck.

Original poster
emmalie · 27/04/2017 12:16

Is it possible that he's just a really selfish git? Having mentioned the holiday, he then later changed his mind but didn't think to tell you (as he's so self centered it didn't occur to him you were spending time working it out)?
Cause he's definitely selfish where the personal training time and not wanting to help with everyday dc stuff when asked for help.

Yep, that's how I tend to see it.
He does help out at weekends but I guess he sees the children as my job during the week because he works. Although he can be flexible when it comes to training or anything he wants to do.

OP posts:
scrabbbling · 27/04/2017 12:17

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You shouldn't feel so powerless and inconsequential in your own home and I'm afraid it seems he is making you feel that way. The holiday thing is very odd.

I suppose with the school drop off thing he may not have realised how much you needed him to do that so possibly better communication from you there would have helped? You say he resents you and your illness though which is a huge problem if he isn't going to be supportive.

In your shoes I would be looking at my options and quietly gathering today information on what life would look like for me without him in it. He says your marriage can only survive with therapy- I would suggest you both need to be part of that and not just you if you have any chance of being in a working relationship.

I hope you start to feel better and stronger today.

AyeAmarok · 27/04/2017 12:17

He's a horrible bastard.

You're mental health would probably improve significantly if you didn't have his fuckwittery to deal with.

Original poster
emmalie · 27/04/2017 12:19

*He really does sound selfish in some ways but I'm a bit confused about the level of hate

He's unaware of my low mood
Hardly his fault he's not taking it into account if he doesn't know 

Also op asks him to do school run and it sounds like he said yes without fuss? Maybe I've missed something but there is surely room for improvement on communication if nothing else.

If he doesn't know you're struggling and you're asking for more things from him it may well seem from his point of view you "always want more"*

Thanks Jelly

I'm confused as well tbh.
I didn't tell him about my low mood but we have had lots of conversations in the past about how I won't ask him to do the school run unless I feel I'm not coping.

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 27/04/2017 12:22

I think you need to be open about when you feel down and are having a hard time. A lot of men seem to need reminding about things that have been said months ago. You need to be honest about how you feel and give him the chance to step up.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.