WIBU to lie about my due date?

[Fruu]

My first baby was 19 days overdue and eventually arrived via induction / EMCS.

For the last month and a half of pregnancy there were several members of mine and my partner's family who were phoning me once or twice a day every day to nag me for updates. I have anxiety issues anyway and it did not help at all having constant conversations about how many days overdue I was and whether I'd tried curry/pineapple/everything else under the sun. MIL and my dad were even nagging my partner and occasionally me from my due date about what date I would be going in for induction!

It got so bad I started preemptively emailing a daily "no news" update to both families and nosy friends because I was ending up in tears or having panic attacks after the phone calls, in the hope that they'd then not phone us. Not answering the phone is not really an option - some of the family would phone repeatedly, try landlines and work phones or turn up at our door / start phoning the neighbours or our friends and rope them into asking us to phone back.

I'm pregnant again and under no circumstances want to put up with that this time! I've told everyone the baby is due "halfway through X month" rather than the actual, earlier due date. I've also explained as tactfully and gently as possible how much stress I was put under last time and that it's nothing personal and nobody is being given the exact date.

MIL is livid that I won't give her the exact date and was ranting on the phone to my partner a couple of days ago and trying to get the information out of him. Yesterday she made plans for a big family get together (which I'd suggested in the first place) and deliberately excluded us. It's quite obviously not a coincidence.

My dad keeps asking when my last period started and when I'm going to have the dating ultrasound even though I've told him several times now that the most specific I'm willing to be is "halfway through X month". He doesn't seem to understand that I don't WANT to tell him.

All I really want to do is go NC with both our families for the next few months and hide in a cupboard where they can't harass me, but that's not really practical! I've already told my partner that he's fielding all relatives this time if they get difficult and it starts impacting on my mental health.

WIBU to make up a fake due date to shut them up? I'm a bit worried it could backfire when the truth comes out later!

[ItsCakeTime]

We're an open caring sharing family.

But iccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk

I say this as someone who's Dad had no issues buying towels/tampons etc even 30 years ago.

Still iiiiiiiccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Seriously that's just ick

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

That's awful, so interfering and ignorant of your feelings! They need to respect the fact that you're an adult with boundaries now.

Is it too late to say it's just a case of bad wind?

[RomanticWalksToTheFridge]

Or that you've been overdoing the pasta carbonara lately?

[motherinferior]

Rabitty, I lied at 37 weeks to my mum with DD2 - told her a date 14 days after the official due one. A tip-off from a midwife friend of mine.

Then I had the baby the next day.

OP, LIE LIE LIE. Give them a date THREE WEEKS after the official one.

[Fruu]

I'm glad I'm not overreacting!

Yes, they were told repeatedly that they were stressing me out last time and they didn't need to phone for updates because we would let them know. They started harassing my partner so much after that that he was making me stressed from how stressed he was, and they still phoned me anyway!

I was mostly about my dad asking about my last period because I couldn't believe he obviously thought I wasn't clever enough to work out my EDD myself. It only occurred to me a bit later to be pissed off about how intrusive it was - I'm not very shy about menstrual stuff. I'm in my 30s and have taken professional qualifications heavily reliant on maths FFS.

I'm considering trying for a HBAC and definitely attempting VBAC. I'm not discussing it with the families as I think they will disapprove and nag me about that too.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about childcare. The most obvious answer is MIL or MIL's best friend as their houses are close, relatively toddler safe and they babysit him fairly regularly, but it'd mean giving them a vaguely accurate date or risking them being unavailable, and if we give one of them the date they will give it to everyone else. MIL has form for being unreliable and unhelpful in emergencies as well. We have no other friends or family who could babysit at their own house, but they could do it at ours. I'm not sure if it's ideal having my toddler in the house if we try for a home birth though as I'd be worried about any noise scaring him, or him distracting me with normal toddler noise!

[Fruu]

I love some of your responses BTW. Lol to the wind / carbonara and the elephant one. Thank you for giving me something to laugh about!

[CaveMum]

YANBU. Plus you need this link to send to them:

www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com

[onlyjustme]

Absolutely NBU!!!
DD was almost 2 weeks late and so when I was pregnant again I told them the due date and said "but this one will probably be late too..."
I got regular phone calls...
"haven't you had that baby yet?"
"Oh yes mum, two weeks ago but I forgot to mention it"...
In the end DS was just over a week late. But I had been ill and everyone said "oh this will be early..." so it felt even longer than DD!!!
It is really odd that people get so hung up. I felt like I "lost" all the time between the due date and actual birth date! It was incredibly frustrating and the constant phone calls were awful. If you don't answer or respond to the text you MUST be in labour!!!
So... add a couple of weeks on or remind them that it's only a DUE date each time anyone asks.
I was the most annoyed of everyone! It was bizarre, feeling like I had let everyone down because I hadn't given birth on THE DUE DATE but I knew it wasn't anything to do with me at all really. And my friend had her baby before me and I was irrationally upset. Some small part of me can't forgive her really, although the rational part of me knows it isn't HER fault at all. But that small part that gets upset... well it also celebrates with glee that I have the older second sibling

[DaniHood]

One of the best things about getting an elective section after my emergency section following a failed 3 day induction was having a date I knew baby would be born .

I could then chose to give a date after this to any annoying family !

[FurryLittleTwerp]

I'd set up a neighbour of yours for emergency childcare if you can. Ideally one who does not communicate directly with any of the rest of your family!

My mum was "on call" for her NDN in case she went into labour & her own mum was delayed, having had fast deliveries with DCs 1 & 2.

No 3 was born last weekend, Mum having sat with the small DDs for half an hour while their granny made her way there.

[Kittykatmacbill]

Make a up fake date! Also how weird is your dad asking about periods???!!!! Bleuh.

Actually word of warning my parents did this after their pals warned them about being hassled at non arrival on due dates. So they picked a dates 3 weeks ahead, but I was 3 weeks early... so back in the day (ahem 1980) six weeks was a bit of big deal, and loads of people asked if I was okay etc. They then had to admit they had given the wrong date out!

[Dozer]

Definitely lie!

You and DP need to work on your boundaries with your families, and how you handle the associated stress.

Sadly it would not, given her behaviour, be a good plan for MiL to have DC1 during the birth. During the pregnancy you could try to do things to prepare for DC1 to go to friends', or find paid childcare.

The Royal Soc for Obstetrics and Gynacology has useful guidelines on VBAC etc - sets out factors increasing/decreasing chances of a successful VBAC.

[kimann]

your dad asked when your last period was?! that is really BIZARRE.

YANBU - your baby, you decide who knows what and when. Don't tell them if you don't want to. Ignore them, though i know its easier said and done with family.

Sorry - i still can't get over the dad thing.

[Goodasgoldilox]

You really don't need this! You have the right to keep this quiet and the right to lie about it if you want to.

However if you don't want to tell an untruth:
You have your due date and know that last time your baby arrived 19 days later than that - so add 19 days to the present due date and give that to anyone you wish to tell.

This is a truthful account and.of what you might be expecting to happen -no more likely to be inaccurate than the hospital due date- so no lie to worry about.

Best wishes and congratulations - no matter when this baby introduces his/herself to the rest of the world.

[StewieGMum]

Have you considered immigrating? I hear New Zealand is nice this time of year. And it has the added benefit of being too far and too expensive for daily harassing phone calls.

[RedOrangeGoldLeaf]

With both of mine I gave a vague, "Oh, sometime in or , probably between mid and mid" to everyone. If pushed further I asked incredulously (with a smile) did they really expect baby to arrive on their guesstimated due date anyway, so what did they want to know for? And pointed out that anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks is "on time" and normal anyway. It worked, we only got one or two queries which were easily dealt with with a teasing, "Oh yes, he was born 3 weeks ago I just forgot to mention it!"

[JustMumNowNotMe]

Twice I've done this! I've picked a date 3 weeks later than my EDD and told everyone that instead 😂 I learnt my lesson after my first pregnancy where I too was driven to the soddong brink by the endless calls and texts etc.

I also didn't tell anyone I'd gone into labour for 2 and 3, just announced baby's arrival after the fact.

[ShowOfHands]

My Mum was the same. After a tough time with dc1, I told people dc2 was due 'in September'. In fact, I didn't even tell people I was pregnant, just waited for them to notice. My Mum was the only person who pushed and pushed and pushed for an exact date. I am not a pot which needs to be watched.

Good luck with your VBAC. I tried for a HBAC and had another EMCS but it was lovely. Positive, happy and I loved the whole experience.

[Bananamanfan]

YA so NBU! Tell them due date + 3 weeks.
Congratulations btw

[SomethingBorrowed]

Yes fake date is a good idea. Just a white lie IMO.

[savagehk]

That's awful. My first was also 19 days late in the end by the scan date (which I knew was wrong). This time I've gone with a lot of 'they come when they are ready' and 'there'll be a baby by the end of xx month' (my EDD is the first week of the month which gives me the 2 week 'normal' lateness plus the expected 5 days I think they've moved me early at the scan again ).

Good luck with the HBAC, I'm going for a HB (last time I was also hoping for one but because of the overdue-ness and that my waters went as my labour started I had a fight on my hands when in labour and wasn't in enough of a mood to fight). This time I have a doula booked and I've not told any family members that we're HB as I know there will be concerns.

Unfortunately I carry hugely so if I see anyone in person even if they don't know the due date they keep commenting 'not long now' (I had this first time around from about 36 weeks, given I went to almost 43 it gets a bit tiring....)

[purpleviolet1]

I told people early X month when my DD was actually the 31st of the previous month. Some people asked what date specifically and then I said the first week of X month... hoping that would shut them up but then some still insisted.. so I said oh the 3rd /4th and then I ended up slipping the real date and then I said it had been changed at scans. Basically I wasn't very good at sticking to my guns but people really shouldn't be so intrusive! I was actually given a date for a c section before my DD in the end but when people asked whether I was given a date to go in for (after they asked whether it would be natural or c section) I just said no not yet.

In the end LO arrived early via EMCS.

People should really butt out!

[purpleviolet1]

Plus why do people expect to be told when you are in labour???!!! They feel entitled..

[SpookyPotato]

I can't believe some of the stuff people have to put up with, no wonder there is so much stress and anxiety around. I was just left to get on with it and my family/friends knew that they would hear about it if there was any news. I would have hated to be hasselled in those last weeks. Actually I hate being hasselled all the time... Your family sound intense, ringing round neighbours and knocking on doors!? Definitely give them a big fat incorrect date OP.

[Scribblegirl]

I'd just send them this thread to be honest