Help me out guys , brooding about an incident earlier this week. Was iBU ?

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So a colleague of mine is quite ill in hospital, and now unable to communicate but otherwise up and about. He has hardly any family and none nearby so has few visitors. This is very relevant.
Not being able to communicate can make a stay in hospital very boring, frustrating and long. Believe me.
So I decided to give him a present of a spare disabled iPhone I had which still has music and audio books on to help pass the time.He is not technology minded and I knew he didn't have one. Other colleagues were really not keen on me doing this although what the fuck it has to do with them anyhow I have no idea and tried to persuade me not to. He wouldn't want it ; he wouldn't want to be responsible for it ( it was a gift!) As we weren't sure if he reallly wanted visitors and they were visiting him that day , originally they said they would do this for me . I wasn't that keen to be honest as I didn't think they would even offer it to him ( given their previous comments) and so I decided the best thing to do was drop if off at the ward reception with a letter. When I arrived later that day I actually met him but he seemed pleased to see me ( we have known each other quite a long time which is probably relevant) I gave him the iPhone explained what was on it. No idea if he will use it but seemed interested and was obviously touched by the thought. I came away thinking I had done the right thing . and that my colleagues were over-protectionist misguded wankers I also found out he wasn't able to read as he didn't have his glasses, and reported this the next day, as I thought there might be a pair of his at the office. He had told them that afternoon before he didn't want any office visitors . I did not know this before going. Strange as he was very happy to see me and even then I checked several times if he didn't just want me to go there and then having handed him the present. I stayed about 1/4 of an hour then left.
Colleagues are furious with me and don't appear to be talking to me! They don't seem keen to see if we can help with glasses so he will be another week or so before that could be sorted if it even is. So I am just carrying on, ignoring the fact that they appear to be ignoring me and talking regardless. WWYD? DH says if I feel like going in again , although not sure I will , I should just go and not say anything to them . Was I right to deliver the present anyway. Are they BU ignoring me?
Thanks for reading.

I agree with Livia

I'm sure your heart's in the right place OP, but you could well have come across to your colleagues as making yourself 'chief concerned person'

I'm a bit confused. Who has said that he didn't want any office visitors?

She doesn't need to visit to get glasses to him. OP just needs to say that she popped in to reception to drop and envelop off and he saw her in passing and mentioned glasses. Just get them posted to him - I agree these days if he is a work as in office colleague its highly unlikely he can't or struggles reading. And no iphones are not that expensive if its an old one - they sell for £50 or less - if I had one I would pass it along as well - have done with other phone types for sure to others I know. Its just called being nice for fucks sake.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want office visitors if they're like that

Could you phone the ward and ask to pass him the message that if he wants his specs you'll root them out and post them/drop them off at reception?

Heaven knows what's up with your colleagues but the poor chap hasn't got his glasses! Can't even read the paper - sounds miserable being unable to communicate.

Sometimes "I don't have my glasses" is code for "I have trouble reading"

I wondered this, too. Has he had a stroke? (Just wondered when OP said he can't talk at the moment.)

Did the hospital say he didn't want visitors, or are your colleagues taking that decision on themselves? If he had told the hospital, then surely they wouldn't have let OP in to see him. Or maybe he said "No visitors" because he thought no-one would bother, and it was a way of saving face and not looking like he was friendless.

OP - I think your colleagues are being twats. If you feel he enjoyed your visit, then go again - if you are being intrusive then the nursing staff will tell you (or you can ask them outright). Possibly as he is unable to speak he felt he didn't want to struggle with conversation. If he can't speak, and he enjoys your visits, see if he is able to give even a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" - even communicating a reliable yes and no is a massive help to you both.

If you do go again, don't mention it to your colleagues - it's sod all to do with them anyway. I wonder why they feel it's okay for them to visit, and not you? As he has no family nearby it's not as though you will be intruding on personal conversations, and I'm sure you would have the nous to clear off if you arrived and his bed was surrounded by visiting nephews etc.

Do as you feel best, in conjunction with the hospital's advice and tell the lot of them to Bugger Off (you could add "And Good Day To You ).

I can tell that you are very well-meaning, OP, but I think perhaps you don't understand that what you think is a kind gesture might be, to someone else, an interference.

You also need to consider that when someone is on long-term sick leave, there is communication between them (or their family) and their employer. Your colleague's manager, and/or your HR team if you have one, will have instructions regarding what level of contact your colleague will have with his workplace. A colleague of mine had to have several months off work and we were actively encouraged to keep in touch with her because she wanted us to and her doctors felt it would be good for her. Another colleague had time off and we were told by our line manager that it had been agreed the only contact with work would be a monthly phone call between him and her.

Further things you need to think about:

1. Sometimes when people seem pleased to see you they are just being polite. Just because he seemed to want you there, it doesn't mean that he does.
2. You don't know the details of his situation or his wishes. You have been told he doesn't want any colleagues to visit him. Just because you are the sort of person who would like visitors, that doesn't mean he is? Why are you assuming that you know better than literally everyone else in this situation, including your colleagues and the hospital? If someone says 'no visitors', you have to respect that.
3. You don't know the details of his condition, how well he is, what he can and can't do or what he wants. A friend of mine spent a long time in hospital and people sent her books, DVDs etc assuming that she had lots of time on her hands because she was just lying in bed. In fact, her condition and the drugs she was taking meant that she was much too sick to focus on watching, reading or listening to anything. She couldn't do anything other than drift in and out of sleep and everything else was too exhausting for her.
4. He is a grown man, not a child. If he is capable of making a request to work for no visitors, he is capable of making a request for them to send his glasses over. I strongly suspect he was using the glasses thing as an excuse not to use the iPhone. You said yourself he isn't tech-minded. If you are very, very sick - which he clearly is - you honestly don't have the mental energy to try and learn a new skill. Getting to grips with an iPhone might seem like nothing to you but if he's heavily medicated and feeling horrendous, things like that seem like a really major effort that you just can't deal with ... and so does having to have a conversation with a colleague entirely through the medium of gestures.

If I was ill in hospital and had asked for no visitors from work I would be absolutely horrified if someone turned up. I know you mean well but please stop assuming that you alone know what's best for him. You don't.

I have no comment on if I think YABU as I think it was a very nice and thoughtful thing you done.

I think visiting someone you care about is always a nice gesture, colleague or not. You didn't stay for long, which was considerate, and you took a thoughtful gift, again considerate. I would get the glasses and drop them off at the main desk for him, and pop in and see him again in a few days or so. You are obviously kind and thoughtful, I don't see how anyone would mind that.

Could you ring the ward and ask the nurses what his wishes are? It does sound like the work situation is weird - if the nurses tell you he doesn't want visitors you know where you are for sure. You could also then mention the glasses (and you don't have to visit, you could post them). It is possible he was just putting on a front when you visited and didn't really want you there. You really can't visit again without checking what he wants first, but I'd check with the hospital staff to avoid office politics muddying the waters.

Hospital did not request no visitors . Line manager did . I would not visit if the hospital had said it . I did not see request for no visitors till after visit.
For context I have known colleague for many years and saw socially as well esp when younger. Colleagues have not known for very long - couple of years max and only through work.

Ok - if you're only hearing 'no visitors' from the work colleague then I'd definitely try and clarify with the hospital. It sounds like you know this man a lot better than the other colleagues. He may well welcome a visit from you. The other colleagues have got nothing to do with whether you visit or not, it's between you and him, they can't tell you not to (although they seem to think they can) but do check with the hospital. You don't want to go where you're not wanted but equally it would be a shame if he's lonely and would like you to visit and you didn't because of something you'd heard third hand. You could even explain to the nurses the situation and your confusion - they will want to do whatever will help him to get better, and will be able to tell you what he wants.

The Line Manager may be motivated by company considerations rather than following instructions from your colleague/friend. When a former colleague of mine was ill, the senior management tried to dissuade other staff from visiting. It turned out that the company were planning on dismissing the sick colleague and didn't want any 'work' conversations being carried to the person who was ill in case it impacted on the case.
If you are friends with the colleague, you don't need to keep work informed of your visiting plans but you do need to respect your friend's wishes about visiting.

i would take in the glasses and ask a nurse if she could hand them to him and ask if he would like to see you... if he says no, smile and tell her all good and leave, if yes go have a visit, if you do go, take some cards with large words he can use on them, things like, yes, no, im tired, come again, bye, hungry, thirsty, ummm ,need a cuppa, i need a...! etc, anything you can think of that will help him communicate really ( even one that says GO AWAY!)
and you can ask him if he needs help working the phone, finding the books and how to use them ( if he doesnt already know that is) and with the cards he can say if he needs something and you can have a good guess on what he would love you to bring him

Phone the hospital and check. It's possible he would be happy to see you but not other people he works with. It's very difficult to say "yes I'd love to see work colleague 'a' but not the rest of you", particularly to your line manager!

Also agree that if line manager says no, then the colleague may well have communicated that to him or her previously.

If he cant communicate then I imagine the last thing he needs is to have to try to tell you not to visit.

As for PP suggesting phoning the hospital, really? I don't mean to be harsh but I imagine the staff do have quite a lot of more important things to deal with.

And if he is struggling to communicate then it's pretty bad to put pressure on him to see if he wants visitors - I'm sure that it takes a lot of effort and puts stress on him to expect him to confirm his preferences.

I'd either post the glasses in, or drop them at a reception desk or similar, but I wouldn't try to see him again unless he specifically asked you to.

Line Manager may actually be protecting data confidentiality and wanting to ensure patient's health condition is kept confidential.

Post the glasses to the ward reception.

I would hate for work colleagues to see me in hospital I think you've really overstepped the mark and should take a hint

I have been in his position - in hospital, unable to communicate. It left me feeling quite vulnerable and powerless. I certainly didn't want to see any of my colleagues at that time, even those I had known for many years. I only wanted my closest family; those who would know by a look what I needed and what I felt. You should respect that - he will appreciate it, and he will appreciate your thoughtful too. Don't worry about the glasses. He won't be.

I missed a word - * gift

I had a student in a similar situation. She'd had a very serious stroke and her family were oversees. The hospital had clear instructions about visitors and enforced them strictly. She could not read or write but she did want company for short periods of time so we all visited.

I would communicate directly with the ward and ask about visitors and the glasses. Your colleagues are being asses.

Claws of course I respect he might nor want to see me or other work colleagues , some mates have been in but he has 1 relative only , no one else , who lives several 100 miles away. Interesting you have been in similar circumstances but unlike you he doesn't have family like that.

I think there is a clear divide between people who wouldn't want non-family visitors in hospital, and those who would welcome them. It's difficult to predict which way someone may feel, and it may change depending on circumstances. There is no right or wrong in how someone feels, but people do need to respect the patient's wishes.

My dad has had strokes recently and he was bored stiff in hospital - he couldn't read/process the information and couldn't work his phone any more. Apart from my mum he had no visitors during the week. When I managed to get to see him at the weekend, he couldn't talk much, but was happy just to listen to me witter on for a couple of hours and contribute the odd comment. He would have been touched and welcomed a visitor, even for 10 minutes or so because that showed they cared enough to make the effort. He found hospital very isolating and lonely, even though he was surrounded by people there.

OP, I think you sound very kind and thoughtful, but it would be good to double check with the ward to clarify whether your friend does want you to visit. Pick the right time to ring - mid afternoon seemed the best time on my dad's stroke ward - mornings were taken up with breakfast, getting patients up and washed and doctor's visits. Don't just turn up then ask, as he may feel obligated to see you out of politeness - there is less pressure if the enquiry is by phone.