I am so sad where I live

[Happysea]

Hello
I live in a lovely house in what should be a lovely village but is in fact very gossipy and cliquey. Due to my daughter (asd) I have had a number of parents snub me, delete me on fb, turn their back on me etc etc. I am having cbt which is really helping with my anxiety and rather than feeling anxious I now just feel sad that I've got another 4 years of this as i walk to the school three days a week and around the village at the weekend. DD1 is adament she doesn't want to move schools but this is due to her asd and fixation on how things should be rather than friendships. She is never invited to a thing despite being popular with the children (her asd is anxiety based). dD2 would be ok changing schools as is very easy going. Job wise, we have an hours direction either way we could move to without having to change jobs. I strongly feel my children deserve more than being gossiped about. I feel sad at the thought that this may well carry on well into the local secondary school. Lots of the mums are lovely. Many are not.

I don't know whether to risk the upheaval of moving. It would mean a new start for us all village/town wise which would be great, new possibilities for secondary school to avoid the continuation of the situation we are in. But it costs a lot of money which we don't have. It would mean down sizing (we are already in a v small house) and then we also have the possibility of DD1 refusing school. Wwyd?

Plus we have only lived here for three years as we moved here to a village from a city to try and give the kids a better life style 😳 I know I could experience similar behaviour wherever I went but I would start as I meant to carry on and just keep my head down and. Not join in with pta/ socialising etc with anyone school related to avoid something similar happening again

I used to be unhappy where I lived but I feel now that I was desperate to be accepted by the 'in' crowd, and to be part of that.
When in fact there were many other people equally fun and nice (in fact probably nicer) who I could have made more effort to know. Also I could/should have joined voluntary groups/ classes/ hobby groups and tried to meet people there.
Have you done that OP?
If they are unfriendly to you they are probably unfriendly to others - so in theory there are others around who might make great friends.

But you said lots of the mums are lovely so why not stick to talking to them?

If people constantly gossip about one child then feel sorry for them because they clearly have nothing going on in their life.

That's a really sensible suggestion thank you. I have one good friend in the village and others who I say hi to but it's just so unpleasant constantly being around the ones that go out of their way to ignore me when I walk past or whisper or laugh. It's a lovely village to look at it, beautiful surroundings but I don't seem to be able to get outside the front
Door without literally bumping into someone nasty!

Yes I totally agree about the nice people. I guess I'm worried as I don't even know what I'm meant to have done other than not be desperate to be friends with them!

I find the daily drama of just walking up the road is driving me a bit nutty!

I think you're not really doing this for the kids, you're doing it for yourself I'm sorry, your last line about how you'd just keep your head down indicates this is about you being snubbed. However you also say lots of the mums are lovely. Would you really be in a better position if you moved again? You'd have less money, a smaller again house, your daughter would be upset, your other daughter would be pulled away from her friends even if she would do it without complaint.

I think I would look to think of different plans to help improve social standing. Do you have other friends, not of the school mum variety?

Have you tried joining any local groups or pta? Maybe even applying to be a school governor? These area's might intergrate you a bit more? I live in a small village so i totally get the clique thing with others, however I have a lot of friends round here as I grew up here so don't experience the segregation part, but my new neighbours all snubbed me until my friend who owns one of the largest businesses in the area and are extremely successful and influential visited my home and all of a sudden I'm miss popular! Befriend someone away from the school, I work with children on the autistic spectrum and it can be really hard for the parents if they haven't got the support network around them they need. You could try fund raising for the school or a local charity? It may be that the village you live in just hasn't gotten chance to know you properly as a family and only judge you on your children?

Alternatively you could contact the school who may help by including a bullying section in their newsletter? Inclusion or the lack of it is actually a form of bullying and as your daughter has asd she doesn't need that kind of treatment, it's clearly the parents who have a problem if your daughter is happy in school, so including the issue in a newsletter may highlight their behaviour to the school and other parents which in a small community can influence change.

Thanks for your replies. It probably is more about me than my children
I totally accept that. But it doesn't stop it being horrid on a daily basis. When I say snubbed I mean if I'm walking with a friend, this group of women will call out hello Jane (for example) and blank me totally. It's not just not being the centre of any group. I am an introvert and I have no desire to be part of any clique. I just want to get the school drop off done without all the drama.

I have a really good close group of friends non school related who I spend a lot of time with who are very supportive

Thanks for the newsletter suggestion. The school did this and also spoke to the parents who were making comments to my child and it's just made things worse

I don't want to integrate particularly other than being a friendly and helpful neighbour

We live in the same village by the sound of it. My eldest DD had ADHD and the ignorance shown to us by other parents was shocking. I was yelled at outside the school, phoned at home and shouted at and basically told that my DD was in the "wrong school". To think those people still ignore me for that reason 15 years on is mind boggling. By the time my 3rd DD was half way through primary school, I was so down and dreaded the walk down to the school lane that in the end, DH and I made the very wise move of changing schools with her. She went to one in the next village that was much bigger, and it really eased both her nerves and mine. She coped much better with the transition to secondary school and was actually quite a way behind her other classmates. I knew none of the mums there, didn't really speak to anyone for 2 years but I didn't get a knot of dread in my stomach which made it bearable.
Funnily enough we still live in the same place and none of the mums my DDs went to school with speak to me but I've got a lovely few people I chat to that are fellow dog walkers so it's restored my faith in humanity.

JaneEyre thank you. It's amazing that someone understands how i feel. I too have a dog and meet some lovely walkers around. I have good friends nearby. It's just this small group and no one seems to understand how it can literally take over your life. How do you manage it when you bump into these people in the village? I.e. If you are walking up the road and two walk past you and turn their backs on you?

It's the ignorance towards asd that is so awful. 'Middle class' (I can't think of any other way to describe them sorry) well educated women who seem to just only want their children to socialise with utter perfection

You have to ignore their behaviour. Do things to avoid them so the opportunity to snub you doesn't happen. They really ime are not that interested in you. But I have experienced being singled out and it is horrible. Perhaps go for some counselling as being able to open up about your true feelings is very uplifting. But being busy and interested in your own stuff (hobbies/ interests) will make you a desirable person to be with, being sad and introverted won't.

I don't particular want them to see me as desirable and interesting! My friends would describe me as happy and fun. I don't think I need to change - other than find a way to live here amongst such negativity and bitchiness

And I do have lots of interests - I guess I just need to 'man up' around
These people. They really don't matter

Does your village have a home ed group? They might be lovely and welcoming if you wanted to try and join some of their activities even if you don't home ed. you might also find some of their DC have similar issues to your own dd.

And yes, yes to making friends with the nice people and (nicely) ignoring the less friendly. Villages have a reputation for ignoring incomers for a set number of years though it does vary depending on the local mix. If it's the kind of place where most people have lived for generations it could take some time. Hopefully it's more of a mix than that.

It did take me a few years Happysea to be honest, but I think as time went by, I just took pity on them and their ignorance. Having a child with behavioural and learning difficulties wasn't something I ever asked for, it was something I got and every stage of the way was a steep learning curve. I learned to stick up for my DD, and kind of had to show her that hatred and ignorance doesn't have to ruin you if that makes sense. I'd rather they still ignore me than having to make polite conversation. There is only one lady who was the ringleader in trying to get my DD removed from the school that still makes my heckles go up and I have to count to 10............

Do you stay in Scotland? Sounds like where I live! I'm definitely an outcast because I'm a single mum.

Not Scotland - the other end of the country!