Not to want to do 'family' with ex and his new wife

[Hurtmumoffour]

Today 22:35 Hurtmumoffour

Married for 20 years, divorced for 3. Two sons in their twenties, two teenage daughters. Ex left me as he said he didn't love me or our life anymore. He's been awful to me throughout. He recently remarried. I haven't met her and I don't think I can face it, nor will I for a long time. But the children say I'm selfish and I need to get over it and move on. They want joint family meals, birthdays etc. They say if I don't go they will go with him and her and not invite me. What should I do? I can't face him all happy and newly wed but I don't want to lose the children either.

Hurtmum-are your children angry with you for some reason? Do they see you as somehow being responsible for the split?

I have total sympathy for how hard it is but bite your tongue and be civil to them for the sake of peace and the kids. I have seen this from a few people close to me and things like weddings and christenings are hell for the kids as it is awkward between the parents. Have it in my family and causes such stress for the rest of family. Would be so much easier for the kids if people could just move forward even though it's extremely hard it gets easier.

I am in your children's position OP in my early 20s. I would never, ever consider putting either of my parents' feelings above the others or my own. Fuck 'family celebrations', it would be farcical if I made both my parents turn up for a birthday meal because I wanted them to. I would see them separately, especially if either had new partners (they don't, but it's early days). That's no one's fault, just the nature of the situation, which will adjust accordingly as relationships change whilst taking into account everyone's feelings as equally as is possible. (Obviously this isn't universal but my perspective and I am going for a take no shit approach as the impending divorce is sure to bring enough of that with it!)

Have all 4 DC expressed exactly the same attitude? None of them appearing to care about your feelings at all is very heartless and I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation

How very heartless and insensitive of your children. They are adults and near adults. They are old enough to know better.

Had Ex H put them up to this,minimising what he has done?

Tell them No. Ex and his new wife are not your family and expecting you to play happy families for their sake is selfish and childish. I'd be pretty annoyed by this.

It seems very soon. I go out to dinner with (and round the house of) DH's ex wife regularly, but there are several key differences: she left him 25 years ago for another man who she subsequently married; I met DH 7 years after his divorce; DH had full custody of his kids and they lived with us until they were adults.

A lot of water has gone under the bridge too - for years DH refused to speak to his ex because of her leaving him and the kids, and in the early years she acted appallingly (when he told her we were engaged she stuck her tongue down his throat in front of me, and at our wedding she tried to shag him) because she didn't want him herself but was jealous that he had found someone else. It has taken a long time to get to the situation we are now where we are friendly, we do each other favours and are helping DSS2 to plan his wedding as a family.

Three years is no time at all and it must still feel very raw. Maybe in time there will be some thawing of hostilities but that is unlikely to happen if your children draw their lines in the sand now and favour their dad and his new wife.

Is it possible they just haven't thought about what they are asking?

My daughter once asked me to 'get over' and play happy families at her wedding with my ex who was not her dad and whom I have a lifetime restraining order against despite the fact that she was not ever a child of the family it took her a few hours after I explained precisely why that would never be happening for her to get incredibly embarrassed she had even asked

Your kids are being arseholes.

Hurtmumoffour I am so sorry for your situation and your kids sound really heartless and (sorry) horrible. I wonder if they realise this is how they are coming across!

I think you need to work your way through this as best you can. Try and see all your kids as regularly as you can on their own with you rather than a big family celebration etc.

In your shoes I think I would get some counselling with a view to being able to join 'family' events in the future. I would try and do this for my own peace of mind and my own benefit.

I totally agree with you, OP, your children are being very inconsiderate. As long as you don't take your position to the lengths described by some posters who couldn't have a wedding or attend their father's wedding for fear of offending the mother, that is definitely where madness lies.

gretchenWieners Bloody hell! Tried to shag him at the wedding! How terrible.

Sockamnesty that is awful!

Feel for you with this and understand completely why you wouldn't want to go. You don't have to go, your children will have to realise that it's something very painful for you to do.

OP despite the fact I think your kids are being selfish gits, as a mum I would not want to lose anything from my kids because of an ex husband and his new wife. Is the new wife the 'Other women' or did he simply meet her after he left you?

If the latter than I would not feel quite so cross towards her. Either way, he let you down, I would try and quell the anger you may feel for his wife.

In time, I really hope, you will find peace and feel able to accept how things have worked out. I say this only because I think that, in the end, coming to terms with this will be better for you.

If I wanted to be charitable to your children, I would say that I think maybe they have this in mind. Or at least maybe some of them do.

I would maybe (in your shoes) talk to them, ask them why they want everyone to 'get on and be a family' and also maybe ask them how they think you can do this. The ex and his wife are not your family but you 'share' family so I can see that being able to be in the same room may make life easier for all of them, including you.

This may mean that you are able to fully participate in the lives of your children. If you are the one saying you cannot be where he or she are, then you may be excluded from some things.

This will not help you and in an awful way will give your ex and this woman a further 'victory' over you. Please find a way to move forward towards a time when you can be in the same room.

Counselling may help, as may moving on with your life and rebuilding it, doing what you want to do. Even if you do it with the express desire to show your ex how happy you can be without him, whatever your motivation, please find the way to move forward for you.

In your shoes I''d get some really good things going in your life, start writing a book, or take up a new hobby, book a fabulous holiday (if you can afford it), look brilliant etc and when you are around him just talk about the new you, who is doing new things, nothing to do with the old life.

That's what I hope I would try and do, for my own peace of mind. But how you choose to proceed is totally up to you, not up to your kids.

I think a PP hit the nail on the head - they are upset about their family unit falling apart and they are trying to pretend that hasn't happened (it's expanded not split)by making this request.

I think I would sit one or all of them down and say something like:
I'd never make you choose between me and your dad. We are both your parents.
Of course for weddings, christenings etc we would both attend.
However, have you thought about what you are asking me to do by coming along to family meals with your dad and his new wife? We were married for x years, I loved him and thought we would grow old together. The split was his choice. Not mine. He has moved on and is happy. I am still coming to terms with my new life and am working through everything but right now it is far, far too raw to see your dad at anything other than a major life event like your wedding.

Nothing to add to the other very supportive posts, except to say, please stick to your decision. It's right and YOU know it is too. Stay strong

it reads like they're struggling with the divorce still and want to envision their parents together... of course it depends what you've been saying about him and his new wife.

I WOULD agree to do joint birthday parties, you'll have weddings and all that and it's better to rip the bandaid off sooner rather than later (she's probably bricking it about meeting you too!). You'll want the same when you meet someone as well.

I would then ask them why they're so desperate for you to spend time with their dad and his wife socially. That you're an adult they don't get to tell you who your friends are and how you need to spend your days. That you don't wish their dad or his wife any ill will, but neither do you want to be besties with him and having dinners with them. I would tell them you don't force them to come to dinners with you and your friends so you'd appreciate the same consideration. He is their dad, but that is it now.

I understand your pain, but I also understand how they're probably hurting. I don't understand how making you unhappy will make them happy though... and I'd ask them that too. And why you lose bodily autonomy simply by virtue of being their mother.

MIL and FIL are split acrimoniously. We had to organise our whole wedding around them (well MIL mostly). We had a very quick and very tiny wedding immediate family only so, FIL new partner didn't come. They survived but I was terrified they would blow up in the middle of it. Anyway that is the only time we have ever asked or wanted them to be in the same place. I still resent hugely that family on my side had to be told they couldn't attend because otherwise we would have to invite FIL partner and MIL best friend which would have been handbags at dawn! So so long as you can get through the big events without that sort of kerfuffle they are unreasonable to ask you to do any more.

Who do your kids live with OP? If you are providing the roof over their heads, then they need to wind their necks in. My Dad did this (RN Officer), and I did not go his wedding, but I did attend his funeral. I refused all attempts to airbrush my Mum out of existence, and the OW was never, ever, called Nana or Granny by my ds. She was referred to by her first name.

I may be on the wrong track but I wonder if DC partly blame you for the split, and Ex is a bully who has worked on this aspect to persuade them that you are responsible for any unhappiness or dissatisfaction they feel? This has the sticky fingermarks of a coercive controller acting behind the scenes and IIWM I would take a lot of convincing to think otherwise, speaking from my own experience.

If the above is the case, Ex has no right at all to coerce DC into flying as monkeys and trying to persuade you to take part in such events, which may be an ideal opportunity for Ex to observe the relationship you have with DC and try to control that too.

You have your own life now, and your own relationship with DC and every right to say No without making excuses for anything you are not happy with. DC will help themselves if they can realise that you are not an extension of their lives, you are a person in your own right whose life is now taking a different course. They can be part of it in an atmosphere of mutual respect or they can decline. Their choice.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time OP and I think they're being very unfair to you.

I'm another one wondering how things have been with you all in the 3 years since the split. Have you continued to have family occasions with the children and your ex? Is it only now he's remarried you find the prospect of a big gathering involving both of them overwhelming?

If things have carried on including both of the parents, despite his awful behaviour towards you, and the new wife was nothing to do with the split, I can see why your children can't understand why her presence is a barrier to this staying in place.

Hurtmumoffour how are you feeling now?

Agree with PPs. Stick to your guns for the moment as it's still too soon for you but brush yourself down and concentrate on making life good for yourself. Your children will admire you for it. Consider it's a good thing he's still in their lives whatever he's done to you (short of brutality and neglect etc) however hard for you. Just say you're not ready for birthday parties altogether but would love to have you for supper/take you out. Don't make them feel guilty or oppressed by talking to you.

If I've misread the situation - was he vile to you post marriage or all during it, not clear - my apologies. Still think smiling and being brave and looking after yourself is the best way forward.

"they say they'll go with her and not invite me" - this would make me feel left out but, like you, i wouldnt want to go and play happy families either - so i'd have to find some other nice thing just for me to enjoy when they were off doing their thing. (and i would keep practising not listening to the disruptive voice in my head that was telling me they were having a great time.)

also always remember you never ever have to do anything you dont really want to do.

Could you spin it and say that you don't want to impose on their new relationship with their step mum? I'd go along with the step mum might find it strange with the ex wife turning up at events line. It would be like you never left the marriage and she can't settle into her new role as Mrs. X if you're always there. Unfortunately everyone is oblivious to your feelings so the only way to get what you want is to appeal to their self interest.

You are no being unreasonable at all! And sorry to say it about your kids but they sound like selfish little brats, not grown adults/adolescents! Did they inherit that gene from their father..? ;-)

Seriously though, I'm not surprised you don't want to sit down and play happy families with his new wife, I wouldn't either.