Husband and MIL

[Freddofrog1983]

A month ago I suffered a missed miscarriage and my MIL offered to come down. When my husband went to pick her up(an hour a way) she made excuses that she had to go back the next day but as my husband had work he wasn't able to do this so she didn't end up coming.

That is the last time we have spoken to her. In the meantime I suffered a haemorrhage and an emergency D&C and I was on my own in A&E as my husband was with the children as we have no one to have them.

I feel so angry, hurt and upset that she had not bothered with us but I have come to the point that I don't want I act with her now anyway as this was just one of a long list of things.

My husband on the other hand and rightly so I suppose is struggling but my issue is he is so miserable and grumpy that it is affecting the mood in the house and affecting me and I'm feeling angry and resentful. I lost my mom last year and I suppose I saw my MIL as a mum figure as I used to call her all of the time for a chat so I thought we got on well. I'm feeling a combination of upset over losing my mom and baby and MIL not giving a damn but my husband constantly thinking about it all and I think wanting to be in touch with his mum.

I know I'm unreasonable about it really but because of all the feelings I'm feeling I'm not thinking rationally. MIL has said some awful things about my eldest son when he was a baby saying he would grow up to be a 'gay boy'. This comment is enough for me. It makes no odds to me if he loves a man or a woman I would just want him to be happy and hope he could confuse in me. This was in response to another arguement. I want to go no contact, I think she is toxic. My husband is at the point of saying things won't be the same but she is my mom.

Don't know where to proceed from here really. I feel emotionally drained and anxious.

Again, with every sympathy with you for your losses, I am struck by you wanting to be able to express your sadness and struggles over them, but not wanting your dh to express his sadness and struggle over the dilemma he finds himself in with his mother. Unless what you're saying is that he is emotionally blackmailing you in an attempt to make you have a relationship with his mother, in which case he needs setting straight.

So sorry for your losses Freddo. You've had a dreadful time recently haven't you?

I imagine you're still grieving for your mum as well as the shock of losing the baby, and missing your mum even more because you can't lean on her following your miscarriage. It's such a lot for one person to deal with, particularly without your husband being your rock at present.

What do they say? This too shall pass. Horrible while you're dealing with it though, so big, big hugs from me in the meantime. xxx

She sounds horrible op.

onion I expect my adult sons to
Put my dils first. That's probably why we all get on.

Thanks peppals, I am still grieving about my mom, it feels so raw still and then the miscarriage...

A poster from a thread I was on last said I was looking for a mother figure in MIL and that was spot on and that is why I feel so let down and that's what I can't get past.

I feel you have put a lot of the blame for things that have gone wrong on your mil. I am sorry to hear about your Mum and baby. You say you have tried to have a relationship with your mil.....She is not your mum and your mum can never be replaced. You mil cannot fill this gap. I feel like you need to accept her for what she is. You say she left christenings early and other occasions....Is this so terrible.?...Perhaps she has a reason for this. Some people don't like staying hours and hours at events for various reasons such as I'll health or just uncomfortable in those scenarios. I think you need to cut her some slack there. So what if she left early? With regards the miscarriage and her not being able to come because she needed to be back the next day. At least she offered to come. Yes it's annoying that she didn't end up coming after all and that was two hours out of your husband's time, but i think you need to let that go.sorry, I'm not intending to be mean, and I really don't often stand up for mils, but i don't think those examples are enough to go no contact over. She has a life too and it doesn't have to revolve round yours.

I think that's what is getting to me the most that she has history for this behaviour

the trouble is each time you expect her to behave better/differently and each time she behaves the same - you already know this. Try not to get your hopes up and as a PP said, look for support elsewhere.

She has a life too and it doesn't have to revolve round yours.

The OP is expecting that.
But a bit of kindness and human decency wouldn't go amiss.

I'm clearly not reading the same thread as you, Mumzypopz

Nannyogg....I don't know who you are, but I have a right to my opinion and I stand fully by what I have said. Have you read all the ops posts? I don't think I have been unkind. The op has clearly been through a terrible year, but I'm not sure the blame lies at the mils door and I got the impression she was focussing on her mils misdemeanours a bit too much....Ie leaving Christenings too early and not being able to come and stay etc. She has admitted herself that she was looking for a mother figure in her mil. That's a lot for a mil to take on board, and she clearly isn't up to the task. This results in the op feeling let down and then focussing on the mils faults.

Mumzy, the reason I pointed out all the main events MIL has let us down is to point out that this is not a one off but one of many incidents where she has promised something and not delivered.

I would put money on the fact MIL had no intention coming this time and would have probably called but my DH had managed to get out work early to drive down to pick her up so caught her off guard. He even said she was back tracking as soon as he got there. In her mind she has offered but what she has really done is make it clear that she wasn't prepared to come to us as she knew my husband would be working at the time she said she had to be back.

I'm aware that she has her own life which is rightly so but I was feeling very raw and needed her and as she offered I thought on this occasion she wouldn't let her down.

She could never replace my mum. They are not even in the same league. There is no way my mum would have let me go to the hospital on my own, she would have come with me or watched the children. She would not be sitting at home while we went through it on our own. I remember my mum watching the children while my husband went to hospital a couple of years ago with a suspected heart attack and my mum phoned my MIL to tell her what was going on and my DH phoning his mum in tears pleading with her to see him. Although she did come she said she had to get back the next day.

On on everything occasion my husband left work as MIL had phoned him worried as she had a bad chest infection and thought she was coughing up some blood so he took her to the hospital where she had an XRay and he stayed with her all day and took her home when they discharged her. She wouldn't have liked to go on her own like I had to.