AIBU to want to understand why he did what he did?

[Spaghettihoops23]

So long story short....
Child of divorce, saw "dad"for a few years then contact just stopped. Not seen him since I was around 10, now 32.
No child maintenance to my mum, no xmas or bday. No big deal, had a great childhood brought up by mum and grandparents.
Still always had relationship with "dads" parents.
Cut to 4 years ago, grandpa on dads side past away. Was ill for a while.my uncle tried to get in touch with him(apparently works for military being a superhero😐)couldn't get in contact, works at the end of the earth blah blah blah!
Didn't appear at funeral. No contact since.
Sunday my lovely gran passes away. Today I find out that "dad" has been told and will be in our home town tomorrow and will be staying in my grans house! His 2nd ex wife told him. Even though before it would take weeks to get messages to him.
So my aunt made a good point yesterday about the possibility of him turning up as now that both his parents have passed there will be money.
He just makes me so angry that he didn't visit his mum once after his dad died.
I have been waiting for an opportunity for so long to ask him questions but now that is it becoming real I'm freaked out and feel that I just want to scream, shout and kick the cunt!

*advise

His version will be totally different. It doesn't mean your reality is changed.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I agree with the PP who have said that you are not going to get any response from him that will satisfy you. I can see why you would want to ask, but honestly I wouldn't do it right now because I can see you feeling worse afterwards Sorry.

And if your relatives are right and he has come because he thinks there may be money in it for him, it may well be the only chance you get - but I still wouldn't do it.

Not seen my dad since I was 16. His choice.im 44 now.spent years wondering why...till I realised he was the one with the problems...he's now an old man living alone.while I have a lovely family he's never met..

Who is giving him permission to stay at your granny's house? I can't imagine turning up after 20 years and expecting to be put up! If it's a family member, maybe speak to them first, if not, he has no business to be there.

Sorry for your loss 

I too hope that your grandparents made a will cutting him off.

If they didn't though and he does look to inherit, perhaps it's time for your mum to put in a claim for back payment of child maintenance?

I would just ignore him. I can't even imagine the sorry sack of shit answers he'll come up with.

I get where @BoneyBackJefferson is coming from. My grandparents were amazing but when they died my auntie and abusive father started bad mouthing them to my brother. It was really upsetting and I'd rather not have heard it. Totally unnecessary.

A man like that, on how many ex wives...is never going to take an inch of responsibility for a thing in his fucked up life. He'll blame everyone, your mum, GPs, siblings, you, everyone. Everyone but himself.

Don't put yourself through that.

Can you just look at him, say "and you are?..." and then ignore him the rest of the time.

Sorry for your loss

I really feel for you OP and dread the day I am put in a similar position. My father has been out of contact with everyone for years after much family drama, but I know he will turn up when my grandparents die looking for his share. As I am in charge of their estate I both relish and am terrified to be there when he finds out that due to his actions, they wrote him out of their wills years ago.

The opportunity to ask questions is one you will have to weigh up. Will you get any closure when he can't give you the answers you want? The answer to every question you have will be that it isn't his fault he's a shit. If you can deal with that ask away.

I am so very sorry for you loss.

Can you just look at him, say "and you are?..." and then ignore him the rest of the time.

Good advice here from TinyTear. (Though you may find that if you try to ignore you he seeks you out to justify his appalling behaviour. People can be funny)

due to his actions, they wrote him out of their wills years ago

This happened to my brother with my GM's will Kestrel. I was executor. He challenged the will, caused a lot of stress. His challenge was thrown out of court, but my word it was unpleasant. Gird your loins and stick to your guns when the time comes.

He's moved in to yor ran's house because he thinks possession is 9/10th of the law, and if he's already in situ and had to make a claim against the Will, then it'll be seen as the status quo.

Get him out of there quickly if you can, unles yur gran died intestate or left everything to him.

Gran's house, not ran's house

As already advised. Don't get hung up on him. The funeral is about the people who loved her saying goodbye. Do not let him ruin it for you.

By the sounds of it you will not get any answers. He cut himself off from his child, his parents and you know he has two ex wives. Some people are not capable of relationships. I am not making excuses for him, but remember this before getting hurt.