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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A money one

23 replies

Chuckle17 · 24/04/2017 14:15

My DH and I ended up having a big row over money yesterday and I'm wondering who is/was in the wrong?

He has received a payrise which will come in his next pay packet. It's quite substantial and I had mentioned to him several times that it could be our holiday spending money. He has never objected so I thought it was sorted. Without this money to use we would have to have a very frugal month.

Yesterday he mentioned that he would have to see how much of it was left over after taking out what he needs for a weekend away with his friends. We had discussed this weekend away and I had agreed to it on the basis that it did not affect the family finances. So I wasn't at all happy that he thought he could use his payrise on it. As far as I am concerned it's family money and he should pay for his weekend out of his own money (we each get an equal monthly allowance to spend on what we want).

DH got really annoyed and brought up how pissed off at me he is because I have looked at an online tax calculator to work out how much extra he will get with this new payrise. Apparently that's out of order of me?? But I handle the family finances and keep a track on our accounts. He has access but never bothers to look. So I often have to tell him not to spend out of the joint account because we are going to go overdrawn etc. I have a spreadsheet with all of our outgoings on and all of the bills are due to go up. Hence me trying to work out his new salary to see what we are going to have left over each month going forward.

Is this really bad of me??

He earns fairly well but seems to overestimate how far this stretches (probably because he never bothers to check the accounts). Once our mortgage and bills go out there's not a huge amount left. I also work, but do not earn as much as him. Mainly because I cut down my hours to enable me to look after our children. My contribution is still good though.

We both pool all of our money and have the same small amount each month as personal spending money. He seems to think that he is being taken advantage of somehow. That because he earns more he is losing out more by this arrangement?

I feel he is being selfish in expecting to pay for his weekend away out of this money at the expense of us having money for the family holiday. For context I don't have weekends away with my friends, and wouldn't expect it to be paid for from the joint account if I did.
I also received an inheritance last year and did not treat myself to anything. It was all spend on home improvements or used to top up our finances each month. He thinks his earnings are fully responsible for our (not at all flashy!) lifestyle but I had been transferring a few hundred a month from my inheritance to top us up, and it paid for all unexpected extras.

SO who is unreasonable here?

OP posts:

Moanyoldcow · 24/04/2017 14:25

Him. We arrange our money exactly the same as you, I cut down hours to look after DS. We pool and split surplus equally after all bills, food and joint savings. Weekends away, hobbies, expensive makeup habits etc are paid for from the personal funds.

This was the arrangement my husband suggested. He earns twice what I do. If we get bonuses (couple of hundred son or massive!) then we keep it. Pay rises are family money.

Your husband is being unreasonable.

Moanyoldcow · 24/04/2017 14:27

So not massive! Sorry. This phone is wank.

haveacupoftea · 24/04/2017 14:30

He is BU although maybe he's just looking forward to having a bit more money for the first month or two of his payrise to spend on just him? But he can't have it both ways, you contribute too so he's either in the joint expenditure or he's out.

Original poster

Chuckle17 · 24/04/2017 14:32

But why should he have more money to spend on just him?

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 24/04/2017 14:33

Ask when is your week end away at his expense?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/04/2017 14:34

Him. He's being totally unreasonable & acting like a jackass.

He needs 'putting in his place' and fast. He is earning more because you have sacrificed progression & hours to look after HIS children. Both your wages are family money. Tell him you are fed up of his attitude and from now on he can do 50/50 regarding the house & kids enabling you to work as many hours as he can and earn equal money as he seems to think 'money talks' in your house.

As for you being 'out of line' checking up what he'd be bringing home...words fail me. Tell him he's now in charge of all the income, bills & making ends meet.

Git.

Pinkheart5915 · 24/04/2017 14:45

Me and dh both bring in an income of our own and it's split between a few different accounts and we can both access all accounts and we don't have a rule that neither of us can have extra money just to spend on ourselves, Yes it's family money but why shouldn't we also be allowed extra money to spend just on ourselves.

Does he tell you, you can't spend money on you? Did he say you couldn't treat yourself with your inheritance? Is it you don't want to go away alone or he won't allow it?

Why did you look up on a tax calculate how much extra he would get. Why didn't you just ask? If dh done that I'd be a bit I do find it weird tbh

I can kind of see his point but why didn't he say sooner not all the rise was going on holiday spending as he was treating himself with x amount. He has left it rather late to say so I guess that makes it unreasonable

category12 · 24/04/2017 14:47

Point out the topping up you have been doing.

It sounds like he was excited about the payrise and didn't expect it to be accounted for so quickly: side-effect of effectively opting out of the household financial management. He's not unreasonable to feel his feelings, but is unreasonable to abdicate responsibility day-to-day and then blame you. You're not unreasonable.

But I can see how he feels there's no reward for doing well, as such. But reality sucks.

butterfly990 · 24/04/2017 14:47

For starters don't dip into your inheritance and start telling him he needs to stop spending out of the joint account when your monthly joint income is spent up.

The penny may drop then.

Maybe you should charge him for using the "new bathroom" or whatever it was that your inheritance paid for until the toll pays you back.

Also if you were to calculate even on a basic level of how much you save the household by minding your "joint children" ie. 3.00-6.00 Mon - Fri @ £7.50/hr x 2. Then this is money you could say is part of your income in calculating how much you are earning.

I can understand him wanting to enjoy his increase in income. This should be surely a little one of treat but not at the expense of his family.

TeaBelle · 24/04/2017 14:49

I think you are both being unreasonable. Telling him that he can go anywhere is controlling behaviour on your part and would be the end if any relationship for me.

CesarElDh · 24/04/2017 14:56

If not BU, I do think you are both making a fuss out of nothing.
What is the point of these personal spending accounts. It's all family money anyway at the end of the day, however you divide it up. Unless he has wildly ridiculous spending habits that will bankrupt you, why bother. Sometimes he may spend a bit more, sometimes you might. It sounds as if you don't trust him, which is a shame as he's your husband. Why not just pool all your money and be done with it?

ItsOut · 24/04/2017 14:57

I'm confused, have you kept some of the inheritance for yourself? If so then maybe your DH thinks that if you won't put it in the pot then why should he put his extra money in the pit. He is obviously WRONG but I wonder if that's what he is thinking.

RedSkyAtNight · 24/04/2017 15:00

Well you (presumably) budgeted for the holiday before he had the pay rise, so in theory him spending the pay rise money is not affecting your family finances?

That said, the main thing that jumps out to me is that he is so clueless about your family finances and that you are affectively massaging them by using your inheritance (why your inheritance, and not family money incidentally?)
So I'd personally be getting him more involved in understanding your family budget rather than laying down "rules" about how money must be spent.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 24/04/2017 15:00

He is..... but I can feel a bit of sympathy. He has clearly worked hard, been given a pay rise and, wham, it's gone. I realise you also work hard (etc etc), but can't he just get one sweetener as a 'well done' before business as usual? I think I'd feel a bit miffed (but accept you are right really).

It's tough when money is tight, isn't it worth loosening the purse strings just this once?

228agreenend · 24/04/2017 15:05

as its a one-off weekend, then I think it's fine to use the pay rise to pay for it, as a one-off treat. If he used the pay-rise increase every month on himself, then I think he's being unfair.

If he didn't have the pay rise, you would have to find the spending money elsewhere, so in that sense, the situation hasn't changed. Also, he hasn't used all the money on his weekend, so you are still benefitting.

I can understand where you are coming from in keeping an eye on family finances, and how you work out everything to the penny, but occasionally there needs to be a little more give and take.

unfortunateevents · 24/04/2017 15:05

What were you going to use for spending money on holiday if not using this extra money in the next pay packet was going to leave you struggling? Why are you not sharing all financial information with your DH - obviously he is going to think that the family is doing OK if you don't tell him that you are using your inheritance every month to make the books balance?

StillHungryy · 24/04/2017 15:12

I think he is BU somewhat but if you'd agreed to him going I can somewhat see how to him it doesn't matter if it's only one month. One thing I'd say is don't listen to:

Maybe you should charge him for using the "new bathroom" or whatever it was that your inheritance paid for until the toll pays you back.

Because A: it's passive aggressive annoying BS and B: only works if the old bathroom or whatever was unusable and not just a preferential upgrade

peggyundercrackers · 24/04/2017 15:12

He needs 'putting in his place' and fast

seriously the words fuck right off come to mind. anyone who tried to put me in my place would be walking and fast. How dare you think you can treat anyone like that.

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable however I do think if your using your inheritance to top up your day to day living then that's not right either. your just frittering money away - you cant afford your lifestyle.

Stormtreader · 24/04/2017 15:30

Does he know youre topping it up? Otherwise to him its going to look like "shes always saying dont spend it but its always fine every month so there must be plenty".
Im even wondering whether he didnt want you looking up how much it was because HE doesnt want to know how much he'll lose to tax, its much nicer to think you get to just keep the lot and dont have to budget.

happypoobum · 24/04/2017 15:31

YANBU.

I bet he runs screaming any time you ask him to sit down with you and actually look at what goes in and out. I had an XH like this, I always felt like I was a killjoy control freak when in fact I was just trying to keep things going.

SPell it out to him, if you uses that money for his weekend away, the family holiday won't happen.

Original poster

Chuckle17 · 24/04/2017 15:37

To answer a few points:

He has access to all financial details, accounts etc just doesn't bother looking. The money left over in the joint account is for food, petrol, kids stuff etc. It's not really free spend money.

We have individual spending money because he thinks nothing of spending £100 in the pub then being skint for the rest of the month and so having to use credit cards or OD to pay for nights out etc. If he had free reign to spend what he liked - he would clear us out.

The payrise is backdated - hence why this months money is significant. We knew it would be coming when we booked the holiday.

I didn't keep my inheritance. It went on house things then into savings. I then ended up tranferring it in dribs and drabs to cover unexpected things like car breakdowns.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chuckle17 · 24/04/2017 15:40

I haven't said he cant go just that it should be paid for out of his money i.e. go to the pub less to cover it.

I looked online to see how much he would be getting, he doesnt know, so that I could do our household budget. Our bills have increased recently.

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 24/04/2017 15:53

"He has access to all financial details, accounts etc just doesn't bother looking."

Then he probably doesnt know, and doesnt want to know. I hate these kinds of situations because the fact is that you can give him all the access in the world but if he refuses to look or think about it then its pointless, he will keep spending as long as he is able to keep spending. Its such a teenager attitude that it really annoys me because its not only him that bill defaults will affect, so now its YOUR problem to try and control someone who should be controlling himself but doesnt give a crap.

If you decide that you are willing to take on all his responsibility in these things as well as your own, the only way to curb this is to literally take away his access to the joint account. If he has no access to anything but his own spending money then the damage is limited but youll get the resentful angry teenager face and moaning from him for ever.

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