50/50 and holidays

[robertposteschilde]

Every year my ExH and his wife go abroad for 2 weeks and expect me to look after the kids. I did it for two years but now I'm fed up
We have 50/50. I don’t go on holiday unless I take the kids but any request for him to keep them for the odd weekend is met with a no, we have plans. which is fair enough. So I’ve stopped asking.
I enjoy a rest from the kids and the last 2 years I found it very stressful having them for full 2 weeks. I work full time with an hour commute both ways and although i can work flexi to get home in time for pickups would mean I’m behind on my hours and its not easily made up.
AIBU to tell my ex that no, I’m not having them for a full two weeks.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable, as your agreement is 50/50

If he won't do you the same favor in return they why should you do it for him

No yanbu. There's no way you should do it for him if he never does for you.

Tell him "Yes, but you need to have them for 2 weeks commencing the ".
Both of you should have the opportunity to go on holiday.

Thanks guys, I didn't think I was being. Somerville: I wouldn't mind covering a week if he could give me a week back, I wouldn't have enough leave for two week holiday by myself, I also have other commitments which mean that getting way for a full 2 weeks would be tricky.

Your ex goes on holiday for 2 weeks without the kids and expects you to look after them?

But he won't look after them if you want a weekend without them.

I think he is being a bit entitled.

If you do give him that ultimatum (which I agree you should) I would try and make sure your week falls before his week, otherwise he might renege at the last minute!

I think you are being reasonable to say 'no' but expect him to say to the kids 'your mum doesn't want to have you for 2 weeks'.

What if you had them stay and he sorted out childcare before/after school?

Wy don't you say then, 'yes in exchange for x week and x weekend' (or whatever would make an equivalent amount of overnights?

Hi Somerville, I will try that.
He expects me to have them whenever he doesn't want them, I think.
Join our club: he can say that, he probably will. the childcare wouldn't work as I get in really late two nights a week to make up my hours.

What would be best for the children?

For him to not go on massive long holidays

I think YWBU to refuse to have them when he goes on holiday - just as he is BU to refuse to have them accommodate a break for you.

Agree with PP's, next time he asks you to have them extra tell him the dates you would like in return (before the dates he wants, so he can't back out at the last minute).

Ultimately you can't stop him from going on holiday without his children, and as their other parent it is your responsibility to look after the children if he does that. But it works both ways and it should therefore be an expectation that if you want to go away or have a break, he is expected to look after them, no questions asked!

For what it's worth, DH and I holiday together twice a year - a week away in the UK during school holidays where we take DSD with us, and a week abroad during term time where DSD stays at her mums. Contact is 50/50 . If we've been away without her, we always arrange to have her extra as soon as we are back so that her mum gets a break too, and vice versa - her mum always has her extra when we have taken her away for a holiday so that she can get some time with her to catch up. Whenever her dad or her mum need to change contact, the other is always accommodating and both use he opportunity to balance it out as well. E.g. her mum wants her on 'our time' to take her to a family event, well that's fine as we will have a family event coming up in a few months that falls on her mum's weekend with her, so we sort it out then.

Your ex is being a dick by refusing to help you out when you've been so accommodating to him in the past.

Just to clarify - I only think you would BU to refuse because it would be unreasonable to your kids, not because of your ex. He deserves it. They don't.

I don't think anyone will disagree that you need a break from your kids now again, especially when you have a 50/50 contact arrangement and get used to having your own time. But your DC are unlikely to understand that and I can't imagine how it would make them feel to find out that you wouldn't want to spend two whole weeks with them, especially when they're only with you half the time anyway.