15 year old Dd and inappropriate messaging of strangers- am i wrong?

[mummyofmoomoos]

I spot-check my Dd messages every few days, the last few weeks she has been very secretive and i havnt been able to get hold of her phone, she is 15 and studies hard, behaves mostly, and other than a very rare hormonal strop, is a good kid.

She accidently left her phone on the sofa when she went to the toilet, so i had a peek. She was logged into twitter and still in her messages so i read the first page, they were x-rated messages to and from my dd and another female. Dd saw i had her phone, flew at me and slapped me then ran off to her bedroom where she logged into twitter on another device and started deleting the messages.

Im so mad that shes messaging the content she is, and from what i saw its been going on a couple of weeks, and the other person is a total stranger to her that lives in the U.S.A. She is well aware of what can happen with talking to strangers online, she knows i dont allow it.

I was so angry that she had been doing this and had slapped me, that i threw her phone out of the window and the screen shattered, took her devices off her and told her i was not having that inappropriate behaviour and shes barred off the internet until she is 16, unless it was for school then i will sit with her. She has since sneaked downstairs during the night and used my kindle to set up another twitter account and added the same people to it as i had objected about in the first place. I shouted at her and let her know just how wrong this is, going behind my back sneakily, iv deleted all her social media accounts and told her shes not leaving the house again unless its for school. Shes not talking to me now and i know shes going to find some other way to set up again- what can i do?

I think icanteven has written an excellent and very helpful post.

Having teenagers myself, I can absolutely sympathise with your actions. Your anger would have been driven by fear for her wellbeing. I don't agree at all with above posters berating you for pushing her away. You are doing your best and dealing with issues and this is just the start of this episode - you will win back her trust and she will learn what she needs to learn from you.

When I look back at the my issues with my teens, I see my occasional and at the time fully justified angry outbursts in the context of their upbringing and it is clear how much more progress was made in just a few really good conversations.

The fact that you overreacted should not detract from the fact that her behaviour is wrong and needs to be sanctioned.

I didnt see any pictures, but will mention it gently to her tonight, did not think about pictures- thank you

Maybe you should reiterate that you love her and accept her exactly as she is, and that your concern wasn't about her sexuality but about her safety?

You need to apologise sincerely and ask for her forgiveness. You should have tried to talk to her and understand what was going on, instead of making her feel shamed and hurt. Otherwise she'll probably find more secretive ways or just not come home entirely.

I'm lost - what exactly did the 15 year old do wrong?

Were the messages from a much older female?

Is the underlining issue here that she was sexually talking to another girl? Seems she may be upset, hurt and embarrassed due to her sexuality.

I don't mean to exasperate the situation, but when I was at school we could often use the computers at lunch to 'do homework'. Of course, I do expect the school had some sort of moderation in place, probably blocking social media. However, she might get an old phone/tablet from a school friend as well. My youngest sibling went to amazing lengths to still use tech when they were in trouble! Just be aware that blocking it in the house doesn't make it go away, talking sensibly and getting her to understand the danger is the only real way to solve this.

As much as I love my DM, she was prone to going off on one if she wasn't happy about something which made me feel very isolated as a teenager as I daren't tell her anything

Absolutely.

My DM was like this. It was easy for her to keep us physically isolated as well as emotionally because of where we lived. None of us had ever had a friend to the house and I'd never spent a night away from home before the age of 19.

Needless to say, we all three of us kids went completely off the rails when we finally escaped and tasted freedom. We also didn't have the slightest idea how to handle situations IRL and were emotionally young for our years.

She used to go ballistic at the slightest thing. The last person I'd ever confide in.

I know you're worried, OP - only natural of course. But please don't turn your home into a prison for your daughter, because that immediately sets up the scenario where she will spend all her time waiting to break-out of prison and will succeed the minute she's old enough and the law is on her side.

She thought (perhaps correctly) she was talking to a young female in US. It could have been anyone anywhere.

Reow, did you not read the OP? The daughter is 15 and sending explicit messages to a stranger online. She might think it's another woman, but it could be anyone. So many young people have ended up in awful situations due to similar situations.

She will, don't worry, don't beat yourself up you are just a concerned parent and we are all just making it up as we go along!

Ah I see, I missed that bit somehow. I just took in to and from my dd and another female.

Hmm. If it is a complete stranger that could be concerning.

I was thinking if it was just 2 teenage girls messaging then that wouldn't be a problem.

I think the big problem with the way you handled it is that she hasn't done anything "wrong". She's not doing drugs, stealing, skipping exams etc.

She's probably fallen/ing for this person emotionally. Things like that need to be dealt with sensitively (not that I think anything should be handled with smashing their stuff up). If this person is grooming her, a paedo or such then she is the victim but will have no idea as such.
Not that the affect on someone going trough these two scenarios are the same but if she made friends with someone and then they nicked her phone, what you have done is the equivalent of screaming at her that it's her fault for being friends with that person in the first place rather than supporting her and helping her safe guard herself, iyswim. Obviously this comparison is loose but I hope it makes some kind of sense.

MTV programme Catfish can also help in seeing how it can be pretty convincing. Some in these situations even get phone calls.

Sorry about my previous post but your OP didn't seem to show any remorse for your actions and still very much in the zone say that she wasn't leaving the house again etc.

I have just googled the Breck Bednar documentary- poor boy! Thats the kind of thing that was running through my mind as her phone sailed out the window, will watch it with her, thank you all so much, i wouldnt want to push her away, and i cant jail her- i can just be open and honest with her and hope she can be with me. I have been finding it quite hard letting her have more freedom and trusting her to use her own judgement. Will talk to her tonight.

That sounds sensible, OP. Your DD will never understand how much you worry on her behalf until she has children of her own. But if you let her know you've always got her back and that she will always find non-judgemental listening from you, you'll be the first person she goes to when she needs guidance.

Op may have gone too far with the whole list of restrictions and throwing the phone, but I feel I would have initially reacted in the same way if I was slapped by my 15yo after seeing their explicit messages to a stranger. I don't think OP going in all guns blazing is the best solution going forwards, but I can't say I blame her for being furious in that moment. Pp are right though, I had a very reactive mum (that I wouldn't have slapped!) but it did push me away, I never told her even the smallest detail about what I was doing. I think apologies all round are called for, but you must lead by example and be the first to accept responsibility and to show her how to make things right. You need her to open up to you in order to be sure that she's safe in this whole online/explicit message situation, and isolation and harsh punishment will be very unhelpful.

That went very well, 2 weeks no devices as punishment for slapping and lying, im replacing phone and apologised, shes very happy and yes she needed the reassurance that it wasnt because of her sexual preference, had a lovely hug, and she seems pleased with the 2 weeks, gosh shes shown herself to be capable of an adult conversation with me. She expressed her feelings better than i could have done!

Thank you so much for ALL the posts on here today, i needed the kick up my bottom to realise that i went way over the top and had turned into evil dictator- just hoping i dont do it again, hope you all have a lovely evening xx

Glad to hear it all went well. As long as she's safe online, that's all that matters. Hopefully this is just a blip for both of you!

That's wonderful OP, so pleased for you!

I'm so happy! What a great conclusion!

I don't check DDs phone she's 16 and haven't for about 2 years I think by this age they need privacy.

You shouldn't have read her messages. It's no wonder she got angry at you!

No girl ever would be happy with her mother reading her x-rated messages.

And realistically, it is rather unlikely that she's being groomed by a person who lives in the US.
Much more likely she just met a teenage girl from the US and they exchange explicit messages because girls that age have a sex drive. Nothing to panic about.

I would assume that you already told a 15 year old about never sending anything that could be used as blackmail material to a stranger on the internet. And that's really all the safety that is needed.

What did the messages say? It's only then I would judge whether she can use the internet.

Vestal - ' realistically, it is rather unlikely she is being groomed'

You sure about that? Experienced news journalists have been taken by material on social media.

I've no idea of statistics but subterfuge is all too easy. You, or I, could be anybody, anywhere.

To be honest I would have cut off her internet and phone permanently for the slapping. That's never acceptable.

As for a 15 year old sending explicit messages to a stranger online - I too would flip over that. She has no idea who she's messaging. She's being so, so stupid. Sure it's such twitter sex now, but what happens when she posts nudes and the pervert plasters it on porn sites? Your daughter's not a young girl anymore, she's almost a woman, and she must learn how to protect herself. Until she gets the werewithal to do it, it's your job as a mum.