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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more support from DH re money probs

48 replies

tigercub50 · 24/04/2017 11:47

Money is a big issue for a lot of couples. My DH is self - employed & the nature of his job means he doesn't always have a regular income. Unfortunately we have had to borrow a great deal of money from my parents & we have loans too. I have always tried to be positive & upbeat & would never criticise him ( the only thing I have done recently is to suggest looking through the finances to see if we can make any savings anywhere). It has been a big bone of contention that I don't have a job. I worked part time last summer & it was good for my self esteem as well as for not having to ask my DH for money. Before I got this job, he used to always bring it up in arguments that I wasn't contributing. As I have said in various posts, we are working through some problems & he had stopped doing that as it really upset me. However, things are very tight again & he said that the main issue is that we only have one income. He didn't say it nastily like before or in an argument but I could do without hearing it. I asked him to be more supportive but he replied that he didn't really know what to say. He knows I am jobhunting & trying my best. If the situation was reversed, I would try not to state the obvious! Maybe I am being too sensitive? It's a big male pride thing too & understandably he hates having to ask my folks to bail us out. Again as I have previously posted, our relationship is improving all the time but I need to feel we are together on this

OP posts:

MarcelineTheVampire · 24/04/2017 12:49

OP make sure you have a good CV- if you know anyone in the recruitment industry or HR get them to look over it. I would also suggest you get a relevant template from the internet - there are some fab ones.

Be proactive in your job search- use the internet by all means but go into shops/bars etc. and use those people skills you've been praised on.

Job searching can be so depressing from personal experience - have you made sure you have access to all benefits you are entitled to?!

Original poster

tigercub50 · 24/04/2017 12:57

I get tax credits but it's gone down to £20 a week which is a drop in the ocean! I also get child benefit of £82.80 a month. I lost a lot of jobs in the past which really knocked my confidence but I know there are certain things I can do well. My greatest love is working with children. I am aiming to do a university accredited play therapy course starting in Jan 2018 & will look into getting that grant where you only have to pay it back if you earn over £21000. However, meanwhile I need to work! I must admit I hadn't really looked into night shifts. There are nanny/mothers help jobs locally which only pay minimum wage but at least I would be doing something I enjoy & it gets a foot in the door. My DH thinks I would make a good TA.

OP posts:

ShotsFired · 24/04/2017 13:03

If you are looking to get back into childcare, then caring might be another foot in the door - and there are always carer vacancies going.

It's that old truism about it being easier to find a job when you have a job, unfortunately. So maybe take something semi-relevant for now and do that with the aim of stepping into where you really want to be later.

HappyFlappy · 24/04/2017 13:16

Why aren't you working?

Depends where OP lives, Helena.

Here in the NE there are quite literally scores, and sometimes hundreds of applicants - many of them highly qualified - for every post, no matter how mediocre/temporary.

It's heartbreaking.

And don't get me started on Zero Hours Contracts . . .

Original poster

tigercub50 · 24/04/2017 13:21

DH has just come home, hugged me & apologised 🙂

OP posts:

Makealist1 · 24/04/2017 13:23

just in case it's useful. I'm 61 and live in a very rural area. My job was going down the pan so I went to the job centre. More than useless. Talk about an I Daniel Blake scenario! And they didn't know what they were talking about, re benefits. I said I don't want benefits , I want a job. Felt very depressed . I need to pay my way for my self esteem's sake. Then I remembered that there was a job agency around the corner. I started work the next week. Now I work in a factory [ a first for me!] 2-3 days a week. They offer. I accept - or not. I may not be the fastest thing on 2 legs etc - but I am reliable. I am helpful and steady. The young ones come and go. I recommend trying an agency. And you accrue holiday pay - and entry into the government pension scheme after a probation period.That's the law. Good luck.

Cheby · 24/04/2017 13:42

I don't think your DH IBU. Like it or not, he is carrying the weight of providing for your whole family on his shoulders. He must be feeling under a lot of pressure. I think you need to try harder to get a job (I appreciate it's not easy).

What about cleaning? A friend of mine started doing that instead of going back to work after mat leave and built up a client base very quickly, actually had to put up her prices within months as she was in such demand. Same goes for ironing. And if Mumsnet is anything to go by, reliable good cleaners are in significant demand.

BarneyRumbleton · 24/04/2017 13:48

It's stressful being self employed because you can't guarantee your pay like you can if you are on a salary. I understand why your DH is anxious about it.
I'm self employed and earn more than DH but I want to know he has my back if I go through a dry patch for work.
I don't think HBU to be anxious about it and want you to find work.

befuddledgardener · 24/04/2017 13:56

Ok so email your local schools and ask if you can volunteer a couple of mornings a week.

MarcelineTheVampire · 24/04/2017 13:58

It is stressful being the main wage earner and having debt on top of that would stress me beyond belief- it's not fair that your DH has put that stress solely on you but great that he's apologised.

I think sitting down and looking at a strategy/budget is a good idea in the short term but getting a foot in the door in childcare is the right way to go about things- minimum wage may not be amazing but it will build your confidence and as pp said, it is easier to get a job when in a job so look at the mothers help roles.

Good luck OP I hope you get yourself sorted.

befuddledgardener · 24/04/2017 14:02

Or do a whole day per week in school. You just need a police check and can do reading and continue to look for jobs while getting experience

FruitCider · 24/04/2017 15:56

Everyone seems to have swept over the fact you have learning difficulties... what have people told you about your learning difficulties? Do you have any support to look for work? You could approach your local job centre, they should be able to tell you who can help you look for work.

haveacupoftea · 24/04/2017 16:02

Your DH is not BU - the answer is for you to get a job, no point expecting him to pussy foot around it.

Floralnomad · 24/04/2017 16:10

May be no use where you live OP but look at the supermarket websites because the Tesco online shopping depot in our town is always advertising for overnight ( 4/5 hour shifts ) staff for picking and packing the shopping .

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 24/04/2017 22:04

Contact mencap as they are a good source of information & support for people with learning difficulties.

Allthewaves · 24/04/2017 22:18

Henson ds stressed. I never understood the pressure of being the sole wage until dh lost his job. It's a huge pressure and it does make u snappy if money is super tight

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 25/04/2017 07:19

I don't think your husband is BU either, you know he is struggling with being the sole earner yet rather than help you think he should sort it.

There's plenty of work if you look hard enough.

Planning to start a course won't help and play therapy needs a degree, training etc and is usually a secondary career for teachers etc not a career for somebody that hasn't really worked before.

Bananamanfan · 25/04/2017 07:26

Sign up with some temping agencies & get a plan in place to arrange before & after school care for dd at short notice. My current job started as a temp role & the one before that too. It's a really good way to get your foot in the door. You have to get a plan in place before hand with childcare & don't talk about childcare concerns with the agency or workplace.

skerrywind · 25/04/2017 07:26

Sounds like you need to be earning OP.

MrsTwix · 25/04/2017 07:30

Have you spoken to the jobcentre about your difficulties? They may be able to help you with an assessment and with support for your employer.

Depending on how severe it is you may be able to get reasonable adjustments as well, so example I do all my paperwork on the computer, people have to email me and not just tell me stuff because I might forget, things like that.

Original poster

tigercub50 · 25/04/2017 08:16

I have worked before & have an NNEB qualification as well as several years of childcare experience. I have looked into this particular course & I can do it without a degree, as long as I do some extra work beforehand. Apparently there is a shortage of play therapists in my area & you can do further training to set up your own practice.

OP posts:

JanetBrown2015 · 25/04/2017 08:27

NNEB so it sounds like the problem is you live in a deprived area where no one can afford to pay for childcare. If money is very tight could you get a live in nanny job even if just abroad for over the summer and leave your 8 year old with your husband or do your learning difficulties mean you could not be a nanny?

Original poster

tigercub50 · 25/04/2017 08:42

My husband works different hours most weeks & often finishes at 8pm so I couldn't leave DD with him. I have been a nanny in the past, both live in & out. My learning difficulty is hard to describe but in tests, my intellectual scores were way way higher than my practical scores. The psychologist was very surprised that I can drive, type & play the piano as I shouldn't be able to do any of those things but my brain has somehow adapted. I am very determined too!

OP posts:

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