Was he sulking?

[kinter]

OH made himself a pot of coffee then went into another room. It was one of those small cafetiere pots that fill one mug or three (?) espresso cups. Accidentally, I knocked it off the worktop. Big smash, lots of tiny shards of glass, coffee everywhere. It's a hard floor.

I said whoops! and set about clearing up the mess—mop, brushes, collecting bits of glass carefully, etc. When all was done, I took OH his shoes as he was only in socks, just in case I'd missed any shards. I said I thought it was safe to go back in the kitchen and then made a comment or two (positive and factual) about the colour of some Cuprinol that he'd painted on the bike shed.

He grunted that he'd heard me, or maybe it was a nod. This is major communication for him so I thought all was fine.

I came and sat down in the living room, with a cup of tea, and said I'd got out a new coffee pot for him to use (I've been known to break cafetieres before so try to have a spare). He said, accusingly I thought, and with emphasis, that he was waiting for things to return to how he'd left them.
I told him I hadn't made the coffee because the last time I made some for him his comment was "There's no coffee in it" (I take coffee quite weak but I had tried to make it stronger for him).

He then lectured me on the principle that when you break something of someone else's you should replace the broken thing/get things back to the state they were in. I agree with this principle but explained that I hadn't wanted to waste coffee and reminded him about the last time. He could not accept this as a point of view even though he must have known I wasn't being deliberately nasty to him, just that....
Nope, he was stuck at the unchangeable principle of the thing and the lack of mitigating circumstances.

If he'd asked me to remake the coffee when I brought his shoes, I would have done but I'm just expected to know what he wants or is thinking without being told. I haven't a clue quite often a lot.

I think his uncompromisingness, and assumptions of low standards on my part when he knows better, is sulking. Is it?

I made a fresh pot of coffee once I understood he was going to be intransigent and a mega-grump otherwise.

I think it's pretty rude to make yourself a drink, but not make one for the person whose drink you've spilt. Or at least to offer to make another drink.

Has he had social difficulty since he was an infant? Because if not - it's not autism.
It does make a difference imo. If he is autistic then he may not be able to think flexibly beyond you should put something right if you damage it. If he isn't then he's just punishing you for your 'mistake'. Regardless of intent though it is still a difficult thing to live with I imagine and your choice whether you are willing to. Is HE open to the idea he may be autistic?

Yes, he has had difficulty with social situations all his life.

RedSky, yes, you're right when it's put baldly but rudeness was not intended. And he could have indicated that he wanted me to make more coffee.
But there's the rub: I can't expect from him what I'd do in similar circs.

I read this with an increasing sense that I wasn't completely sure who was wrong (I do think I would have offered to make coffee, even if I was expecting him to say no), but that the whole thing just sounds like such hard work. One way or another, a really minor incident seems to have become such a hassle. If this is typical for you two then it just sounds exhausting.

He sounds really quite nasty. I'd honestly feel like I was on egg shells if that's how I was being spoken to.

Kinter-you are right that you shouldn't have given in, but don't feel bad. He was a horrible bully. The point is more what you are going to do about this going forward. You really deserve better than this.

Why is it alarming to have a spare cafetiere? I have a spare because I break them loads too. You seem to be irritating each other.

I wouldn't be amazed to see an aibu fron his point of view

'I made myself a coffee this morning. I put it on the side to brew and dp knocked it off the side when making herself a drink. It smashed all over the kitchen, she half heartedly cleaned it up then threw my shoes at me because she wasn't sure she had it all up (she wasn't hurt btw). She finished making herself a drink but refused to make me one because after x years of marriage she refuses to learn how strong I like it. I've asked her before for one and she just made it weak - like she likes it. I've made her loads of drinks and she can't be arsed to make me one ever. The one time she did she made it purposefully wrong. She did at least lift out the spare caftiere but why do we have spares? Because she didn't care about my things and has smashed a few of them in the past.

She just came through with her own drink and had a go at me about the shed paint (I know she's not a fan of the colour but she was really sarcastic about it). Aibu to think that as she ruined my drink she should have made another? Is it too much to ask that she bothers to learn how many scoops of coffee I like?'

Fwiw I agree from how you have posted he seems so intransigent and childish. But it's not a massive stretch to see his viewpoint too

I think you could have boiled the kettle for a new coffe and then asked "love I'm making you a new coffee but can you double check I'm putting in enough? I don't want to ruin another one."

Just sitting down with your own tea is a bit funny to me.

Are you married? Any kids? I cannot see a reason to stay in this relationship.

Good grief! I think the mistake was taking him his shoes. I think he was expecting his pipe and slippers.

Seriously though, OP, seems like a bizarre reaction to an accident - esp given the fact that you don't make his coffee to his liking anyway.

I'm confused as to why you can't just add more coffee even ask him how much and try to remember it, why make yourself a drink but not replace his that you spilt? I can say if he was being childish because honestly I'd be annoyed about not being made another or at least offered. You almost pretended it didn't happen by drinking your tea and talking about a different subject. I'd have been baffled by that and been annoyed and probably snappy.

Can't say*

HerBlueBiro, I like your other side and think it reasonable when you don't know us. Glass fragments on the kitchen floor are a long-standing joke so he'd have got the shoe thing if he hadn't already been in a bad mood. He was unsure about the Cuprinol colour, which is why he tried it on the bike shed and not what we call the Den. I said I thought it would be good on the Den and perhaps we should do a small bit and see. He later did this and we both think it is smart-looking.

Turns out he was stressed and the coffee to do didn't really have anything to do with my behaviour. He has to go to London tomorrow (from Scotland; we only have one car so I've to be up at 5:00 tomorrow to drive him to airport; fortunately I'm a morning person) and he'd forgotten to get his flight details on his phone. He'd also not noticed the car fuel was low and we'll have to stop for some. Probably a few other things on his mind too; planning ahead is not his forte (fact that I'm used to). I'd forgotten he was going to London tomorrow too or I might have thunk of stress.

Still, he's not a good communicator. As 16yo DD put it recently: "He doesn't do dialogue, only monologue" and that, as I intimated earlier, was and is the real problem. If we'd switched roles in the original scenario I'm pretty sure I'd have said "Aren't you making it?" when the shoes were delivered. But, who knows? Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Thanks for the support though, peeps. It helped

DontPull, I make him tea quite often. Apparently I don't get coffee right even if I do try. I get that as I often prefer to make my own tea as he tends not to get that right.

He didn't want me to pour his coffee even after I had made a new pot. He sometimes wants to put milk and coconut cream in it and I think he doesn't know this until he has poured the coffee into the mug. I put milk in first. Works for me.

He's not easy-going but he's not intrinsically mean.