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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me just 'let it go' re mil

27 replies

bingisthebest · 23/04/2017 16:23

Mil helps us with childcare. Good grandparent. But she just irritates me so much. Lots of little things. Always turns up really early, never relaxed situations. First to anything re kids, e.g school plays. So early it would be virtually impossible for me to be there before her. Never gets cross. Says 'mummy said no' never a no coming from her. She is on her own, we are main family so I feel the responsibility but sometimes I wish it was just us, our family of 5.

We've just gone out all together. Turned up early so in stressing trying to sort kids. Doesn't help really. Then out puts her bag on the buggy and gets huffy when I try to push the buggy. Has to be in the front seat.,. blah blah. I know I sound like a twat.
I am aware that I am probable being very unreasonable. So help me to just get over it. Every time I'm with her I tell myself to not be a moody cow but I endup bring snippy then feel guilty all day as she's now at home alone.

OP posts:

Freezingwinter · 23/04/2017 16:27

I can get why she annoys you. My mil does things like this. But honestly be grateful you can rely on her for help and childcare. My mil is the devil incarnate, if left alone for one moment she would try to turn my children against me, or else do something else equally shocking. She's stepping on your toes, remind yourself you're the mum and it's your family and try to ignore her.

PNGirl · 23/04/2017 16:35

You're not BU though really. My in-laws makes me feel like I'm having a guest over. They trip my introvert switch in a way my husband and parents don't. She doesn't have to be invited to every event and day out.

soapboxqueen · 23/04/2017 16:36

It's okay to want to do things with just your immediate family. She isn't your responsibility to entertain. However, I'm struggling to see any major infractions.

Is it possible that because you feel your space is invaded you are blowing small irritations out of proportion? It's something I know I have done. It gets to the point that even a person breathing gives you the rage.

I would suggest that the only way to work through that is to do activities as a family, separate from her. At least for a while. Give yourself some breathing space.

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/04/2017 16:40

If she always turns up excessively early give her the wrong time eg. If an hour early and you want her there at say 10 tell her to be there at 11 then she'll be on time.

Sod sitting in the back seat of your own car though!

PNGirl · 23/04/2017 16:43

I definitely know people whose in laws and parents/grandparents go to bed stupidly early and then are up at 5 every day. By say 9am they're bored stupid hence being early all the time!

happypoobum · 23/04/2017 16:44

Why is she sitting in the front seat of the car? Can you drive? Would she expect DH to sit in the back?

Agree to telling her later time and to doing more stuff just with you.

Trifleorbust · 23/04/2017 16:46

Urgh. It's awful when someone's actions are irritating but not really wrong enough to call them out on them.

Distance is required here. Stop the standing invitation. YOU are doing X with the children - just go. Don't tell her!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 23/04/2017 16:55

I feel your guilt op. I think she probably is irritating though, a turning point for me was when my SIL said to me 'mums wonderful but very annoying....' and I realised maybe I was being hard on myself. Mines also incredibly thick skinned so doesn't notice a bit of snippyness anyway

Trifleorbust · 23/04/2017 16:57

Although I would call her out on getting in the front seat in my car (when DH was driving). I would probably offer the front seat but I would make it clear it was a courtesy.

SusieOwl4 · 23/04/2017 17:02

Perhaps try and put yourself in her life ? Think what everyday is like for her? Not in as you should feel sorry for her but the practicalities. Does she have other interests / friends? You should not feel guilty for wanting time on your own though. And try and relax and feel grateful for her help .if you relax perhaps the small things won't seem so important after a while .

CPtart · 23/04/2017 17:03

This would drive me insane. Why does she have to push the buggy, be in the front seat, come out with you, attend every school play? They are not her DC. She sounds over involved. Does she not have any friends or hobbies of her own?
SIL pays the price for living next door to PIL and having free child care on tap. PIL view them as 'one big family' and it wouldn't enter their heads not to be invited in a day out, eat together regularly, go to all the sports days. Paid childcare IME though, buys you those options. It feels wonderful to be free of obligation, worth every penny.
I fear this will only get worse as she gets older.

Birdsgottaf1y · 23/04/2017 17:07

I've started to get in the front of the car and my Adult DDs sit in the back, because I've got reduced mobility and need the leg room, so is it to do with that?

Also, my DD, Mum of my GD, prefers to be in the back with her.

The "Mummy says No", I do, to reinforce that my DD is in charge. It isn't for me to say yes, or no, if my DD is present.

You're not picking and being snippy with her is terrible, you might as well not invite her.

Which would do all a favour, for a while, it sounds as though you need space from her.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/04/2017 17:15

Honestly? You can't have it both ways, wheel her out to provide free, reliable childcare for you then wheel her back in her box again til she's useful. If you want distance then yeah I'd say you'd have to look for paid childcare and save your dc seeing mil for weekends, etc

Electrolens · 23/04/2017 17:26

'Mummy says no' sounds like it could be her trying to make sure you're the one in charge tbh.

Yanbu to be irritated at times, but nothing you've said makes her sound awful - just an invested grandma who wants to be involved.

Re: timings - could you try telling her a half hour later than you want?

Lemonnaise · 23/04/2017 17:40

Mil helps us with childcare. Good grandparent

And yet you still find reason to moan...

PensPencilsandRulers · 23/04/2017 17:46

I think that putting her bag on the pram and expecting to push it and getting huffy when you do is very unreasonable! It's your pram and our child! And the sitting in the front seat too. It's like she's trying to assert her position over you. It's difficult if she helps you out with childcare, I know, because you don't want to seem ungrateful but there are plenty of parents who help out without doing those things.
If it was me I would just sit in the front seat first or say no, don't come to ours, we'll collect you on way so that you're already sitting her. This is your family and although you should be grateful that she's helping with childcare she should also be grateful that you're including her on days out etc.

toldmywrath · 23/04/2017 17:47

PNgirl They trip my introvert switch in a way my husband and parents don't. OH my god, you have described exactly what used to happen to me with mil. (I say used to, DH is non contact with her now) I used to feel so sullen and boring in her company, not myself at all.

Sorry OP, got a bit over excited there! It's difficult, but I agree about not giving the correct time, or perhaps arrange to meet at a mutual place and only ever turn up on time, so she is left waiting if she turns up early.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 23/04/2017 20:17

And yet you still find reason to moan...

So have you never found anyone who is fundamentally a good and helpful person annoying? The OP is trying to be the bigger person here, but in RL it is not always that easy as your subconscious is also at work.

Whereismumhiding2 · 23/04/2017 20:24

I can't see what your MIL is doing that warrants an AIBU? What haven't you said? Yes, she's keen. Maybe stepping on your toes? (Though it's not clear how!) Yes, she uses you to get them to abide by rules...

Really What is so bad about any of that?

Please spell it out OP or i am thinking she is just irritating you with her attention to your DC. And God forbid she loves them and is trying to help you the best way she knows how to. And has crossed some rules she doesn't know about.

Familyof3or4 · 23/04/2017 20:28

We have similar althoughh my mum. She helps loads but irritates me - refers to me as mummy even when kids aren't there despite me asking many times not too, repeatedly suggesting that one dc should go to bed earlier when again I have said many times that that is not what I want.....
I figure take the help and remain polite when explaining why I don't want her to do something even when I've said it every week for the last 3 months but not making a fight over it

Tulipsaregold · 23/04/2017 20:29

They trip my introvert switch in a way my husband and parents don't. ^ OH my god, you have described exactly what used to happen to me with mil. (I say used to, DH is non contact with her now) I used to feel so sullen and boring in her company, not myself at all

^^I am getting excited too - what a fabulous way of describing it!

Whereismumhiding2 · 23/04/2017 20:31

I'm sorry OP @bingisthebest

there probably more to this than you've said, but if it's just what's in your OP then YABU.

Jeez, there are DGP and MILs not interested in their DGC or over suffocating to their DILs and being truly awful, not like your MAIL. .. On here... and nothing you have said even comes close to that. ..

So, unless, this is going to be drip feed more, or you forgot to mention something major, what is making you feel so antsy MIL? If you don't want her handbag in buggie, then say!

Whereismumhiding2 · 23/04/2017 20:32

Sorry my phone autoincorrects MIL to MAIL sometimes

LetsSplashMummy · 23/04/2017 20:36

This is you that has the problem, she isn't really doing anything that bad and if anything might be trying to avoid a scene with her stressy DIL. People show up early so as not to be an inconvenience and hold people up, she says "mummy says no," to not step on your toes etc.

I think in general you have to either speak up at the time "can you help get X in their car seat," or "Granny says no as well," or not stress about it at all. So say to yourself "is this bad enough for me to say something?" if it isn't and you actively decide not to say something it is easier to let it go.

NormHonal · 23/04/2017 20:38

they trip my introvert switch

Ding ding ding ding....bells ringing and light bulbs galore here...what a turn of phrase! YES! This is exactly what happens to me with my ILs.

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