Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask for your help with this birthday dilemma?

50 replies

JustWhat · 23/04/2017 09:06

It's DS's 11th birthday coming up. He has a variety of issues stemming from early childhood which mean he struggles to make and keep friendships. He has always therefore just been happy to have a day out somewhere nice for his birthday with me, DP and DSS (who is here every other weekend). This year he does have s couple of friends (one in particular who he is closer to) and would ideally like to do something with his friend and not DSS. DSS is much more sociable than my DS and we have found it doesn't tend to work when my DS's friends are brought into the mix with them both as DS's social issues come to the door and he ends up being sidelined again so DP and I have ageees it's probably for the best to keep the school friends separate from family events etc. I've explained to DS it's not really fair to exclude DSS and so he is happy to do the same as usual and have a nice day out on the weekend closest to his birthday with us as a family.

On his actual birthday though he would like to do a little something with a friend or a couple of friends (tea out, trampoline park type thing maybe). As this is a day when DSS wouldn't usually be here anyway I thought this would be ok. DP however usually spends this evening taking DSS to football training. He agrees he should be here for DS's birthday to celebrate with him but says he'll have to bring DSS as it's his usual night with him and he can't tell him he can't take him training but he also isn't invited to the celebrations. What do you all think? To put it in context, DSS always has a party at his mum's with his friends and not my DS and then we have a family day out together when he's here to celebrate too. I can't help but feel my DS is missing out on having the little celebration with his friends which he would like, but can see DP's point too.

Help!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2017 09:44

Your DP is being an ass, then. He agreed to one thing (keeping the boys family celebration separate to DS and his friends) and is now going back on it. Stick to your guns.

Emboo19 · 23/04/2017 09:46

I'd give these options....
1, you take your ds and a few friends on his actual birthday. Dh does football training as usual with dss. You have a family day out to celebrate, as already suggested.

2, dss misses football training and you spend your ds's actual birthday doing something together, then on the weekend ds has his party with his friends, dss does something else.

3, on your ds's birthday have a birthday tea at home, I'm guessing your dh won't want to miss this either? So his ds will have to miss football or he'll have to sort something else. Then do the thing with friends the day after and the family day out at the weekend.

I'd make it very clear to dh, that there's no option of dss, joining ds and his friends. So if he doesn't like one of those options, what does he suggest!

WateryTart · 23/04/2017 09:53

Tell DP how it's going to be. He has a monumental cheek, imo.

Vegansnake · 23/04/2017 09:56

Your dh takes his son as normal to footy...you do the party with yr son...

Vegansnake · 23/04/2017 09:57

Always..always put your kids before partners...a good partner would want you to x

SavoyCabbage · 23/04/2017 09:59

Does DH go out with his friends alone?? Does he need that time to bond and chat to his mates?

This is an excellent point.

Ferrisday · 23/04/2017 10:05

I think at 11 it's fine if just one parent takes him to the trampolining/pizza.
It's not like a 3 yr olds party when you watch them interacting
They're 11, you won't see them, they'll be interacting with each other.

Maybe a compromise where you take them and then meet for pizza after with dp and dss?

Ferrisday · 23/04/2017 10:06

How old is dss?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/04/2017 10:08

Please don't compromise on ds's time with his friends. He's already compromised by not having a big party (which he's entitled to have without his step-sibling there if he wants one).

I was the unsociable child with a very sociable sister. I remember the pain of being left out by my own friends when she decided to shine her light on them. It really undermines you.

Siblings don't automatically come to birthday parties if it would change the dynamic so much. Step or otherwise.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 23/04/2017 10:08

I have my two sons both living at home.. We often have a family thing the three of us and then a friends thing (especially as ds1 gets older) that doesn't involve the other brother. (Or me for that matter lol!) Both of my boys have had issues with friends / socially in the past and I'm genuinely grateful and encouraging of their friendships now. Yadnbu!!

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 23/04/2017 10:10

Your dp is being silly. My ds1 is 11 next week and we are doing an activity two weeks later with 2 or 3 of his friends. It will just be me taking them, he isn't taking his brother and sister it's just for him and his friends. We are going out for lunch on his birthday itself and will do cake and things then. We will meet up with his dad and his wife and some that day too.
If you were doing an activity that his dss wouldn't enjoy would he expect you to change it for something dss would enjoy too? Equal doesn't always mean fair and your day is allowed to do what he wants on his birthday with friends he chooses.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2017 10:12

Whatever you decide, your ds totally gets to be centre stage for the day. It is good for his self esteem. Your dh doesn't get to make these kind of decisions.

Does your ds go to all his parties? And very good point about dh going out with his mates he chooses to hang out with.

pilates · 23/04/2017 10:14

Could you swap it around so on his actual birthday you do a family thing and then on a day where DP doesn't see his DS you have a friends birthday outing? I think you should keep them separate as not fair on your DS to be outshone on his birthday.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/04/2017 10:14

DP is being a twat.

He has two choices, NOT 3.

He arranges someone else to take his DS to training that night and comes with you OR he takes his DS to football as normal.

DSS is not invited to the party & DH has NO right to try to change that. His DS gets to do things without your DS on his birthday.

KC225 · 23/04/2017 10:15

My twins are turning 10 next month and for time they want separate birthday celebrations with their own friends. Each will have a birthday sleepover whilst the other stays with Granny. On the actual day we will all have a family dinner together. It's perfectly normal. This is a big deal for your DS and you need to tell your DH his limited options. DSS comes to the family dinner and not too the one with his mates. And to one of the first posters who said what the DSS does for his birthday is not relevant well it is and you should remind your DH of it.

Astro55 · 23/04/2017 10:20

Could you swap it around so on his actual birthday you do a family thing
No because DP is still taking DSS to football and won't be home til 8 which will be a bit late as DS finishes school at 3.30 - why shouldn't he wait?

Boysnme · 23/04/2017 10:25

DP takes DSS to football. You take DS & friends out.

If DSs birthday was on a day DP didn't see his son would he just have gone with you and not expected DSS to be invited?

ReturnfromtheStars · 23/04/2017 10:26

Choose another day (as others also suggested).

Astro55 · 23/04/2017 10:46

So necause DH will be at football and not home til 8 then DS should ait at home on his birthday and do nothing?

No family celebration because DH and DSS isn't there - no friends party because DH won't cancel football - maybe OP should just lock him in his room for a few hours??

Your son should come first on his birthday DN he should be with his friends

DaemonPantalaemon · 23/04/2017 13:12

Wait.

So basically, your DP, who is not your son's father, wants his son, who is not your son, to be part of your son's birthday treat? He does not want his son missing out on your son's birthday treat?

This is silly. Put your son first. Because your DP knows your son's social problems and still wants his son's, or his own, fear of missing out to be considered ahead of your son's needs.

There is no dilemma here. Your son should spend his birthday with his mother and his friends.

Astro55 · 23/04/2017 13:20

I think it's more DH does not want to miss the party - it's just that he has his DS that night - I don't think DSS is the issue

AlternativeTentacle · 23/04/2017 13:23

Also, DP works half an hour away in the same town as DSS lives with mum, so collects him after work, takes him to training, takes him home and then comes home for 8ish. DSS is not here that evening, DP just takes him to training there and then comes home.

So they won't even be there that evening? What is your son supposed to do, sit in and with for the lord and master to return home which will be nearly bedtime anyway?

DaemonPantalaemon · 23/04/2017 13:55

I think it's more DH does not want to miss the party - it's just that he has his DS that night - I don't think DSS is the issue

Well, the OP has said: I've explained to DS it's not really fair to exclude DSS

It seems to me there is a lot of bending over backwards not to exclude DSS, even though he does not live there, and even though he probably does many things with his own mother to which the OP's DS is not invited. I'm pretty sure the mother of the DSS is not telling him it is "not really fair to exclude" OP's son!

DaemonPantalaemon · 23/04/2017 13:55

I think it's more DH does not want to miss the party - it's just that he has his DS that night - I don't think DSS is the issue

Well, the OP has said: I've explained to DS it's not really fair to exclude DSS

Astro55 · 23/04/2017 13:59

so DP and I have ageees it's probably for the best to keep the school friends separate from family events etc

It's DH who wants to go

Flip

1 2