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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Play date politics, was I wrong?

47 replies

nonstopholiday · 22/04/2017 20:37

This is really mundane, but it's been troubling me since it happened.

My dc is taking part in a school show, as part of a group (4 children).

They needed to practise during the holidays (logistics of different dc being away on ho,iday at different times means all practices were scheduled for this week/weekend), and so we parents divided up the practices. I have an older disabled dc, so I asked if my turn could be at a time when she is at school, as simpler for everyone. All fine.

My turn to host a practice was Friday (yesterday). I have a younger dc who was ill all week, and so on Thursday I emailed asking whether anyone else could step in and have the dc over, as I didn't want my younger child passing the bug on.

Another parent (A) stepped in, happy to host, all well and good.

Then this morning I got a text from A asking how dc3 is, and whether I wanted her to host tomorrow's practice too. I thought she had me muddled with parent B (same name, different spelling), and said so, as I was never scheduled to host tomorrow's practice. I didn't hear back from A.

I then dropped dc2 round to friend B's house (not practice related, just playing), and mentioned the texts to B, who reminded me that she wasn't hosting tomorrow's practice, A was. Which left me as A had asked if I wanted her to step in again.

B then pointed out that maybe, since A had stepped in and taken over yesterday, she was hinting that I should do the same tomorrow?

This honestly hadn't occurred to me at all.

My AIBU is: should it have occurred to me? A has been a bit funny with me since (saw her this afternoon). Is it weird it didn't occur to me? My reasons for not having the dc at the weekend still stand (disabled dd1, who everyone knows, who is having a hard time currently, and frankly, having extra people over when she is around is just not an option), but even without that, would anyone actually expect (without saying so initially) that when they step up to help someone out - by taking on my practice when dc3 was ill - that it instantly meant we had actually swapped practice times? I have been very much left feeling that I am in the wrong, A was very much 'oh, no, not to worry' whilst also implying it was a big deal.

(For full disclosure, the dc involved are 10, know what they are doing so no huge parental input needed for the practices, and the practices have all been scheduled for non-meal times, literally a quick drop round for an hour to make sure they know what they are doing, rather than full on all-day with a house full of kids and hands on coaching/catering etc)

OP posts:

Original poster

nonstopholiday · 22/04/2017 21:54

DonutCone - really? I got a text first thing this morning, saying 'how's dc3 this morning?'

I replied - he's much the same, getting a bit frustrated now - and thought that was that. I thought it was a simple enquiry from a friend about a sick child she's known since he was born! Not a hint that I should be swapping a prearranged play date for a time I couldn't possibly manage.

I wasn't trying to be rude saying she text the wrong person re:tomorrow. A replied to my text about ds and said 'do you want me to host tomorrow?', and I sent back 'we're at B's tomorrow aren't we? [as said before, B and I have same name, different spelling, so potentially easy error if jotting down on a calendar] I'll have dd1 tomorrow, so can't do it here' because I genuinely had the dates muddled in my head, and only realised that when I spoke to B and asked what time tomorrow, and she looked blank, then told me she's doing Mondays practice.

So I was and told her A had asked me if I wanted her to step in for me again (which is how I read her text) and that I'd assumed she'd mixed me and B up, etc etc.

FutureChicken: yes, exactly. Not the easiest of tasks getting 'something sorted' for dd1. There aren't any options, and this week, first week back at school after holidays, is not a good one to be messing her routine around.

OP posts:

Venusflytwat · 22/04/2017 21:58

Just send her a text! "Really sorry about this week. Thanks so much for covering, you're brilliant. I'll bring some snacks tomorrow."

She did you a favour, you misunderstood her a bit, surely it's easily sortable?!

Movingin2017 · 22/04/2017 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle · 22/04/2017 22:03

Yes, I think she was expecting a swap, but I don't think you are unreasonable to think she would have realised it wasn't possible.

But, my experience as a parent of a girl with SN (11) is that other parents just don't get it, even if they really want to, and they need to have it explained over and over.

For example, we go to a weekly activity. There is a group for DD1 to attend. But every 4 weeks, the children's activity isn't on and the children join with the adults. DD1 can't cope with that, so we don't go on that week. All fine - it's scheduled, we know. Except the time when they changed the week without telling anyone, one day, and we turned up with DD1 and sent her upstairs to the group that wasn't on. It was a simple oversight. It doesn't matter which week the activity for children isn't on....to any other family except ours. Because for our family, if it changes, that's the week we can't go. So we have to explain, again, what having SN means for DD1.

You may need to explain, again, what having a disability means for your family in this context.

Original poster

nonstopholiday · 22/04/2017 22:04

Yes, it should be easily sortable, but I'm not that sure it's going to be...

I thought I'd be able to have a chat this afternoon, as due to see her at another event, but she seems a bit off, even when I tried to explain my misunderstanding.

I'm sure it'll blow over eventually.

OP posts:

MarcelineQueen · 22/04/2017 22:08

I'm sure it will blow over, I don't think it's worth spending too much time mulling over. Very easy to over play these things in ones head.

Just thank her for her support this week as PP said

Original poster

nonstopholiday · 22/04/2017 22:09

Lougle (hello! I know you of old - my dd1 is a bit older than yours, our dc2s are very similar), yes, I see your point, but honestly, I have coffee with her every couple of weeks, she hears how things are going with dd1, she's been a personal assistant/aide for people with learning difficulties and disabilities, she has a relative with a similar level of disability and inflexibility - there isn't a reason for her not to get it!

Been there, done that, with the activity changes - always such fun!

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 22/04/2017 22:22

How petty. If it's only an hour or two each time, it would have been much easier for one person to host them all, that's what I would have done. Plus the host then doesn't have the hassle of dropping their child off and picking them up.

Not your fault OP and with your circumstances I would have offered to have your child for all of them.

This parent A sounds very tit for tat and petty.

Venusflytwat · 22/04/2017 22:44

Have you actually thanked her and apologised for the misunderstanding? She did help you out, I know in your eyes she then messed up but she was the one who did at least try?

Original poster

nonstopholiday · 22/04/2017 22:49

I have thanked her - on Thursday when she volunteered to help out (via email) at drop off and pick up on Friday, and again today as an intro for my 'sorry for the misunderstanding earlier' chat, which she cut me off half way through - hence my feeling that all is not right and it may take some sorting out.

Tit for tat sounds about right, Dancer.

OP posts:

lougle · 22/04/2017 23:33

Ahh ok, sorry nonstop (hello! I'm not good at keeping up with name changes! I can barely remember my own name), then that is frustrating. Perhaps she's getting a bit of compassion fatigue and knows she's being a complete ninny but can't pull herself out of it. In which case, no amount of explaining will help and now you've apologised you'll just need to move on?

Gillian1980 · 22/04/2017 23:34

I wouldn't have assumed a swap under those circumstances.

Epipgab · 23/04/2017 00:44

YANBU. Of course A shouldn't expect you to be a mind-reader! She should speak to you plainly instead of dropping hints. If it was a swap then it should have been agreed at the outset. You did nothing wrong in reminding them that you hadn't agreed to do a particular day.

If someone offers to "step up" because you've said you need to cancel (not swap), then that is a favour, not a swap. When a friend helps you out, obviously you thank them, and make a point of returning the favour soon or giving an appreciative gift, but it doesn't imply a straight swap if that wasn't requested or arranged.

Epipgab · 23/04/2017 00:47

She cut you off when you tried to explain? That's rather unkind and rude. Of course good friends should be given the benefit of the doubt and given the chance to explain.

Sometimes it's as though it doesn't even occur to some people that there could be another, reasonable explanation to what they think happened and why.

TyneTeas · 23/04/2017 01:07

For me I think my expectations would depend on whether when originally arranging you had said this is the only slot I can do (in which case I would have reckoned I was taking on an additional one) or if you had said your preferred slot was (in which case she was not being unreasonable to reckon a swap).

YANBU particularly to hope she would understand why this is the only possible/most preferable slot since you have previously explained your circumstances and realise it was additional, but nor was she especially BU (but perhaps unintentionally thoughtless) to not recall the detail and realise either

PortiaFinis · 23/04/2017 02:08

I hope she comes around soon OP. Do you think texting her one more time would help? Something along the lines of "thank you so much for helping me this week - I'm so sorry I was muddled and didn't realise I could have swapped and taken on your turn - although maybe for the best as with Dc 1 being at home and DC 3 potentially still infectious it probably wouldn't have been he greatest idea"

I don't think YABU at all, I wouldn't have assumed a swap unless you specifically said that. I think it's even stranger to assume it given she knows your background.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 23/04/2017 03:14

i wouldnt have assumed a swap at all. I find in my life Person A helps me, I help person B, Person B helps D and on it goes. Real life is not about exact swaps of time or resource.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 23/04/2017 07:01

I wouldn't have assumed a swap and I also wouldn't apologise again - you've done it plenty already and although it was very kind of her to step in when you needed it, I don't think you need to be made to feel like you've done something outrageous

SouthWestmom · 23/04/2017 10:04

I don't know really. Tbh I think sometimes if people don't know the reality it can sound like excuses - like the potentially very serious illness your dc3 has but actually he's at home not in hospital, and with disability obviously just being disabled doesn't mean you can't have people over - do you think she thinks you're ducking out and over exaggerating or do you know her well enough that actually she's being unkind not to get it?

AntiGrinch · 23/04/2017 12:19

she sounds awful. She should have said at the beginning "so is this a swap - will you be doing my day?" this would have given you change to explain. then she could have said what was on her mind like "I don't really want to host twice because - " and it could all have been sorted out one way or another

WatchHowISoar · 23/04/2017 15:14

Maybe you should ask her? If you think she's off because she wanted to swap.

Or leave it? Perhaps she's embarrassed about the misunderstanding and you keeping apologising only makes that more so. She may realise she wasn't clear and feel a bit embarrassed so she cuts you off or tries to let it blow over?

Turquesa · 23/04/2017 16:54

OP -it's a misunderstanding, that's all. The fact is that you know the constraints you're under due to your other DC, but you have to accept that other people will never fully grasp this. How would they unless they live your life?
Similarly, maybe she has issues that are not apparent to you - her DH, her health or anything really. Nobody has a monopoly on these things.
I always find it's best to just own up to your part in any misunderstandings. Send her some flowers to thank her and arrange a time to have her child over.

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