My mum is always criticising my housework

[user1487941567]

Sorry - this is a rant 😩 My mum is always saying things like "isn't so and so such a good mum, look at her house and how clean the kids are" or "you really should make an effort to keep the house nicer" or "you missed a bit on the hob" "bath could do with a wipe" etc

My house isn't spotless, but it's passable. These comments are usually on a day I'm doing her dinner and she won't look after the kids so I am usually frantic trying to cook a roast and look after the baby and keep things as clean as possible as I go along. I'm 7 months pregnant.

The people she compares me to have all got massive support networks, their parents and siblings have the kids a few nights a week, and even when we were kids we lived at my grandparents at the weekend so she had loads of time to do whatever she did. We even had our own rooms there. She won't look after the kids for even 5 minutes, she just sits looking at her phone or asking me when dinner is going to be ready while the baby pulls out all the dvds or tries to yank the table cloth off the table. If she spills a drink she won't tell me or make any effort to mop it up, she refuses to take her shoes off indoors so she always drags mud through the house and I have a massive black mark all down my hall where she once dragged a shopping bag along the wall. She once spilled calpol on my cream carpet and left it there so it went all sticky and horrible and now won't come out and is always bringing me bags of junk she is throwing out then moaning that we have too much stuff.

I just feel like I am constantly being held up to some impossible ideal and criticised for not being spotlessly clean when she comes over and makes more mess then moans about all the things I haven't done, and offers literally no help whatsoever. She often makes it harder because I have to make her cups of tea and then watch that she hasn't left it within the baby's reach. If I asked her to spend some time with the kids at the park, she'd say she was too tired or if I asked her to hold the baby he'd be back on the floor in about 30 seconds.

WIBU to just tell her to stfu?

I'd also pipe up!

Jane's house is lovely - Oh why aren't you there then?
Alice's vaccuums everyday - lovely - does she cook you dinner?
Martha's kids are always clean - well you're welcome to bath them after you've washed up

Practice! So it just slips out

Why are you not saying anything? What have you got to lose?

She sounds like a right beauty that one!
Just stop bloody cooking her dinner for her,throw her a packet of crisps or better yet nothing.
Have you always had to dance attention to her?
It's time for change.

I do get help, the house isn't a dump. He washes up, does the baby bottles, helps with night feeds etc. I don't want child care, I wouldn't expect that. But while she's here I do want her to at least interact with the kids, esp it if means I can get the/her dinner done in peace.

This has been how it's been since she moved (although she has always had narcissistic tendencies and addiction issues) she moved when DS2 was 3 months old and so I feel like she has more rapport with my eldest but even then she doesn't spend more than a few minutes chatting with him and then puts on her programmes or gets on FB. I don't think she fully realises what 2 kids are like because of the huge help she had when we were young. All my childhood memories are at my Grandparents.

If you mention anything at all to her about her own behaviour she erupts and either walks out, goes on about how hard her life is or brings up something you did 20 years ago.

I think you just need to be upfront. "Mum, I don't like the way you criticise me in these visits. If you really want to help, you could play with the children or do some cleaning while I cook your dinner. That's what a lot of other mothers do."
Stabs up for yourself. I once did this to my DM and it changed... For a while at least!

Her walking out would be a win then?

She's bringing nothing to your home (apart from junk and bad feeling)

Stand not stabs!
If she throws a hissy fit and storms out, so be it. Stand your ground

She sounds abusive. You really don't need to put up with this horrible behaviour, just because she's your mum.

Also, so what if she throws a tantrum and storms out? Sounds like it would be a blessed relief for all of you.

I suggest being upfront about it. My DM used to be quite similar. Every time I told her how rude she was being and that if she wasn't going to be polite she could leave. She doesn't do it anymore.

YADDNBU - tell her to STFU. You will never please her, she will never be satisfied. Everyone else will lawyas be wonderful and you will be sh*t.

She is toxic and a joy sucker.Keep contact to a minimum (go no contact if you can). Don't make an effort to clean or cook a great meal because she is coming - she won't appreciate it. Just say mm hmm that's great to all her comparisons. Is she says the bath needs a wipe - just say oh does it? etc put the shields up around you and detach!

Can you meet at the play park or some where public instead? They are less likely to behave badly with an audience

Hi OP,

This sounds really hard. I think tacjlingbher about her behaviour might be a wasted effort.
Do you get anything out of this relationship? No - go NC.
If you do feel there are positive and you want to stay in contact focus on your reactions. She is not suddenly going to become a reasonable person. Take some courage from the fact that all posters on your thread seem to think your mother's behaviour is out of order.
Work on your assertiveness when your mum's not there. You have had some great comebacks on this thread. Also, you don't have to go all out everytime your mother snows in. Just keep doing what you're doing and stop seeking her approval.
You won't get it and you don't need it.

A reputation for being touchy with your family is a sensible precaution. That's excellent advice. My DB is touchy and my DM walks on eggshells around him. I occasionally pull her up on things she says to me by asking if she'd say that to DB. Whilst my DM finds my relationship with her easier than with my DB, his approach has advantages for him.

I'm sorry your mum is like this.she should be ashamed of herself.

Next time don't even answer the door, I hope she doesn't have a spare key.