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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have had enough of DPs power trips?

62 replies

Hoptastic53 · 21/04/2017 23:57

DP worked away Sunday - Thursday and had the day off today so we dropped the two older DC at school then took our two year old and dogs to a country park to play, walk and picnic. When we were having the picnic, he threw a stick that was under his leg and one of our dogs jumped up to fetch it, knocking his drink over in the process. He immediately shouted at and smacked him Sad I personally would have laughed if he'd done it to my drink and didn't see the big deal but he was fuming. I was fuming with him as our dog was cowering away from him after that. DD and I were throwing a ball for the dog after lunch and DP called him to return it to him. Our dog returned it to me and sat behind me. DP picked up his ball and put it in his pocket Shock

This evening 8 yo DD ran out to the sandpit (about 5 paces from the back door) without shoes. DP shouted at her to get back in and get shoes on. DD replied that she always takes her shoes off in the sand so she doesn't bring sand into the house and he issued various threats about removing privileges but didn't actually go out to enforce what he'd asked her to do. She popped back in to go to the toilet ten minutes or so later and he locked the back door and hid the key, telling her she wasn't going back out unless she had shoes on. She did so but only because she wanted to go outside, not because she'd listened to him which isn't him winning as his smug expression showed he thought he had done.

Later on she was playing with something and there was some debate over whether she or her sister had been playing with it first as they were arguing over it. Rather than help them resolve it, he just removed it and put it out of reach - leaving them both in tears. They were later playing with a train track and had been playing nicely for a good half hour but then were beginning to bicker. He went in and said "if you can't play nicely, let's put it away" and broke the track up.

Finally, at bedtime he told 8 yo to sit down so he could brush her teeth. She went to walk past him and he restrained her by the arm saying he'd said it was time to brush teeth so do it now. She said she was going to get a drink of water first and he refused to let her go. She explained that I always say she shouldn't drink just after brushing so she needs to it beforehand but he refused. She then became upset and said she wanted me to do it and he threw her toothbrush on the floor by the toilet so it had to be thrown away.

I don't know if he was tired after working away or had a bad week or something but AIBU to think his behaviour was completely unfair today? He has form for being like this once a week or so but today he just seemed on a complete power trip. He's huffed off to watch tv in bed because I gave DD a new toothbrush to brush with and I'd like some opinions before I approach it with him.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 22/04/2017 23:38

Oh, the poor dear Hmm

There is no excuse for being a bully. Hitting a dog for no reason is especially lowest-of-the-low behaviour.

He is a cruel, petty bully.

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon · 22/04/2017 23:40

I think you're backtracking because he's an abusive arsehole. You know he's abusive and your children will grow up trying to appease the man of the house at all times.

MargeryB · 22/04/2017 23:42

He sounds horrible (especially hitting the dog), but he also sounds like he doesn't know how to do parenting better. OP - you said that when your DDs were fighting he should have stepped in to help them get a resolution, should you be doing that for him too, modelling a better way to get the kids to co-operate with him? You're with him day to day so only you will know if that's relevant.

TBH I think your kids were really rude to laugh at him and make the comment about getting his knickers in a twist. I would reprimand mine for talking like that about anyone. I also think kids can ask to go to the loo to prevaricate and to try and hold power, I would have been cross about dd not putting something in the wash because they need a wee, my answer is that if they were that desperate they would have gone before that point and clothes in the wash takes 5 secs.

MargeryB · 22/04/2017 23:45

His job isn't relevant. More likely it's fun at work and then annoying at home cos you have to do work looking after people and bickering kids are annoying.

Zhan · 22/04/2017 23:46

He's a cunt. Anyone that hit my dog would feel my foot firmly up their arse. Abusive, cowardly arsehole

PeaFaceMcgee · 22/04/2017 23:48

Is this the ironing man?

Orangebird69 · 22/04/2017 23:50

OP, my dh is a director of a company based in the ME. He has to deal with some of the most infuriating, insufferable arrogant wankers he's ever known. He NEVER takes it out on our pets or our dc. FFS. You might want to excuse or minimise and tolerate his abusive behaviour, but why should your children and pets?

Foxysoxy01 · 23/04/2017 00:02

Grin at important managerial role!

The poor dear, bless him no wonder he is such a pig to live with the poor little darling is under a lot of stress with his very important jobby wobby.

What a load of shit the mans an arsehole. He is also an clearly impotent man at that if the only way he can try and gain some respect is by bullying and using force.

What a catch you have, but don't worry like you said he isn't always bad Hmm

Cloudylemons · 23/04/2017 00:07

No op, it seems you're enabling him because of his 'important' job when in fact he's just being mean. That's not a good environment for you or your children to live in, and the same for your dog.

BitchPeas · 23/04/2017 00:12

The managerial excuse is the one my mum used for my dad.

I don't speak to either of them now.

RebelRogue · 23/04/2017 00:25

Does he treat you the same?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/04/2017 00:31

What a joy sucker to have around Shock

PlacidPenelope · 23/04/2017 00:36

Yes he is awful, there is no excuse for his behaviour. If you don't do something about it now it will just get worse, why do you want your children and pets to live with someone they are afraid of?

kelpeed · 23/04/2017 01:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoptastic53 · 23/04/2017 08:51

The DC aren't afraid, as I said above - they mock him. I'm not excusing him, just explaining why I think he behaves that way sometimes. He isn't like it with me, no. It frustrates me that he sees an approach doesn't work with the DC but keeps repeating it rather than adapting.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 23/04/2017 08:58

So if your dd mock him, do they ever do what he asks them without arguing?Or do they always come up with a reason that they can't/not right now/ need to do it differently?

TaliDiNozzo · 23/04/2017 09:13

Please OP, don't make excuses for this man. Your loyalty is not to him, it is to your DCs. If you allow them to grow up in this environment, you are doing them a massive disservice and virtually colluding with the abusive behaviour.

A man who is abusive to animals and children is not a man I would make excuses for or tolerate the presence of.

TaliDiNozzo · 23/04/2017 09:14

And I speak from which I know sadly.

PeaFaceMcgee · 23/04/2017 09:57

So he earns a fuck-tonne of money whilst you're a sahp and you're worried about life post-divorce?

PlacidPenelope · 23/04/2017 11:10

Children reduced to tears, being physically restrained and dogs cowering and they are not afraid of him? The mocking is a defence mechanism, and whether you believe they are afraid of him or not they certainly don't respect him and he is just going to get worse in an attempt to force them to do so, or take it out on the dog who can't answer back.

SunsetGrigio · 23/04/2017 11:36

Do they ever listen to him or because he's away a lot do they tend to ignore/mock him all the time. Because he's probably trying to claw back a bit of respect (but failing dismally and going about it the wrong way by the sounds of it). I'd tell my 8YO to put something on the wash and ignore the excuse about needing the loo (she often uses this for things she doesnt want to do) and would go spare if she ignored me. And then if my DP completely reversed my punishment after I'd gone out...Confused

Shouldn't be hitting your dog or anyone out of anger though.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/04/2017 11:42

Hops

When are you going to get rid of this utter cockwomble?

This thread makes it seem pretty light hearted, but it's anything but. You and your kids should not be living with this wanker.

TheViceOfReason · 23/04/2017 11:50

He IS awful OP. A complete twat in fact.

I bet his "important managerial job" really isn't that important so he is behaving like this to boost his own ego.

I have an important managerial job, managing mostly men in a male dominated environment. They respect me and I don't behave like an arsehole to gain that respect.

If he has to treat people the same way to get them to do what he wants he is a shit manager.

He is setting an appalling example to your children and it's only a matter of time before he starts "smacking" and starts this behaviour with you too - if he hasn't already.

ohfourfoxache · 23/04/2017 12:22

My dad was a bit like this (not the animal part though, that's vile)

It took a long long long long long time for our relationship to be repaired when I moved out. I was 25 and engaged to now dh when he had one of his power trips when we were all away visiting family. I had a panic attack and cried completely uncontrollably. Only then did he realise some of the damage he had caused.

I don't know what that means for your situation. If you were to LTB he'd have unfettered access to the dc. But they would probably be with you most of the time and home life would probably be more relaxing.

Something needs to change. This is not a healthy environment for them to grow up in.

rollonthesummer · 23/04/2017 12:28

He isn't awful. I think he struggles because he has an important managerial role at work and can get adults to do what he wants but the same can't be said for at home with his children.

What a crock of shite.

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