AIBU for resenting dp's career success?

4 replies

idpreferanegroni · 21/04/2017 12:26

His career is going really well at the moment in all directions. I'm aware I should be pleased but I'm not. And my support and advice have certainly helped in one area at least. So the will for him to do well was very much there. And as he points out he is the one who pays the mortgage. However.....

He is now working long hours/away alot leaving me with childcare duties. I work p/t so I can do this but I can feel trapped.
He's a good dad but after work and that, he has little to no emotional space left for me.
People around us seem under the impression that all I want to do is talk about him/his work. I continually get asked about him etc This has always been thus but in recent times it has increased and I'm feeling like his pa.

I can't really explore this in real life. And yes yes yes, I know I have to work on my own stuff/self-esteem but my career will never be glamourous. I don't like feeling like this and wish I didn't.

OP posts:

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 21/04/2017 12:53

One part of your post really stood out for me:

And as he points out he is the one who pays the mortgage

Does he value the contribution you make, by only working PT so that you can take on the burden of childcare and allow his career to flourish? Or does he see you as lesser and him as 'in charge' simply because he's a wage earner?

It must be very frustrating to constantly be expected to revel in his success - therefore implying that what you do isn't worth talking about! - but if your DP is supportive, then he should be making it clear that you are all a family unit and that whilst he pays the mortgage, you do the hard graft at home which supports him WOH.

A cautionary note; you've said 'DP' so I assume you are unmarried. If he is the main earner what safeguards are there for you in the event that you split up? If you are taking such a hit to your career and earning power to support him, then you need to be very careful. Without being married you will have far fewer rights and protections, unless you have both seen a solicitor to draw up an agreement?

rollonthesummer · 21/04/2017 12:56

This x 100

MichaelSheensNextDW · 21/04/2017 13:07

YANBU and I agree emphatically with ^^ points regarding your financial interests.

Coming at this from the perspective of my own children now being in their late twenties, I am so grateful that I was by far their main carer in their early years. I wouldn't miss that time for anything and our relationships are truly wonderful. Your partner is missing out on that.

Yes, listen to and respect your feelings of dissatisfaction and envy. And yes, consider if you can make any changes now to better incorporate something meaningful for you (a distance learning qualification? a writing or photography habit?). There is time for you to find satisfying success.

MichaelSheensNextDW · 21/04/2017 13:10

Also I would consider ways to assertively pivot conversations about what your partner is doing onto what you are doing and neutral topics. Don't allow anyone to treat you as invisible in your own life or of secondary interest to someone who works a lot

Flip