To be angry about smoking

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My partner quit smoking last August after having a 20 a day habit for at least 10 years. He said he would quit before our daughter was born but it wasn't till I was pregnant with our son that he quit. I bought the patches and treated him to little things after every week/month smoke free.
Last week I caught him having a fag in the garden when I came back early and he said he borrowed one off a workmate and he wouldn't do it again. Today I caught him again and he had actually bought a pack which he said he was going to keep in case he fancied one but he wasn't going to start again. It's all just such bullshit and I wonder if he ever quit at all!
Am I asking too much to expect him to quit one little thing? I've given up drinking when I was pregnant, drinking when I've breastfed, going out for more than 3 hours as bf'ing, my job as we can't afford childcare, staying out all night as dd won't sleep unless I'm there, showering, my figure, takeaways and sugar! We are also saving for a house so I walk everywhere and we now use reusable nappies. I don't even buy a coffee when I'm out with friends and yet tonight he's decided he can start wasting £7 a day on fags. How can I make him see that his priorities are all wrong?

Do you have separate money? If not can you draw up an agreed budget and show you can't afford them?

I don't think yabu but I suspect we'll be in the minority. I would be angry too I'm very anti-smoking. But that said being angry with him won't make him stop, he'll only stop when he wants to. He presumably knows the primary, secondary and tertiary health risks to him and your family. The cost in ££ too. Like you say his priorities are upside down.

You can't. He has to make the decision himself. But he's wrong and a twat!

Last week I caught him having a fag in the garden when I came back early and he said he borrowed one off a workmate and he wouldn't do it again.

I did a stop smoking course and one of the things that they emphasised was don't believe the old saying that ONE won't hurt, because it will. I stopped for nearly two years and then various things happened and I began to bum them from work colleagues (I know, bumming smokes is the lowest of the low). Within a couple of months, I was back to 30 a day. Later I stopped for about eight months and started again when I found a packet wedged down the back of a chair.

It's now been four years since I stopped again and I do not allow myself to have just the one - or really even think about it. I know I can't.

However, DO NOT say to him: Am I asking too much to expect him to quit one little thing? because, for a smoker, it's certainly not a little thing, and a comment like that shows a lack of empathy. I had to stop drinking because of medication I take and I found it infinitely easier than stopping smoking, and, yes, I drank a reasonable amount.

I totally see both sides. I used to smoke about 15 per day for 8 years and have not had one for a year and a half. It is Really hard to give up, even if you desperately want to for someone else. It feels terrible when you let them down. When I first started dating my husband he said that he couldn't date a smoker, and we agreed I'd give up by the end of the month (no idea why I agreed to that because I absolutely wasn't ready). He stuck around for many various quitting attempts and was very dissapointed in me many times when he found me smoking again, but finally 4 years later I succeeded and am sure i will never smoke again. I'm sure your partner would love to give up for you and make you proud of him, but there's nothing you can do to speed up the process. The way I quit was to read Alan Carr Easy Way Stop Smoking and went cold turkey - I have tried all the nicotine replacement therapies and this was a lot easier in my experience.

I think you're being unreasonable treating him this way but unreasonable being annoyed with the actual situation.

I found giving up alcohol really easy during pregnancy because I'm not an alcoholic. There were a few times I'd fancy a glass of wine or G&T but not having one was no problem at all. Smoking, on the other hand, was very, very hard to stop and took me about 6 years of trying after 6 years of smoking before I managed*. I don't think I've ever met a smoker who wouldn't choose to quit but it really is an incredibly addictive habit and one that's extremely hard to stop.

He has a disgusting habit but it is incredibly hard to stop it.

*way before getting married let alone being pregnant so maybe I didn't have the immediate reason to stop as with alcohol.

sorry

...him this way but not unreasonable being annoyed...

Quitting smoking is difficult, so it's not a little thing as MDF points out.

That said, I found quitting once I was wholly committed to the idea quite easy. One day I just stopped. If he hasn't then I would say he's not ready to quit.

Wanting to be ready and being ready aren't the same thing though. You're entitled to be cross as you are quite right your life and body have changed far more than his, but perhaps be gentle with him if he's trying.

The budget side is separate. If you can't afford it then he is being very unreasonable. Has he looked at cheaper nicotine alternatives?

Giving up something you enjoy and don't want to give up is hard. Giving up something you enjoy, don't want to give up AND is incredibly addictive is EXTREMELY difficult.

I swapped smoking for vaping - I CAN have a single drag on a cigarette and thats it - because to me it now tastes UTTERLY disgusting (and I have only done this twice in two and a half years to remind myself that it tastes utterly disgusting)... however if I had to stop vaping, then almost certainly I would start smoking again I think.

You have to get round the need to fulfill the habit and nicotine replacement patches, gum, even then crappy inhaler things... it does NOT meet the need.

Vaping works because it does meet the needs of smokers - it delivers nicotine every bit as quickly as a cigarette does (none of the others do) and it gives you a thing to do with your hands, AND one of the biggest parts of the habit is strangely, exhaling 'something' - not inhaling so much, its the exhaling. (Which is why the inhaler thing is crap, because there is little to inhale and nothing to exhale).

I would seriously look at vaping with a view to reducing nicotine content and then thinking about giving up when he's ready to do so.

WiddlinDiddlin I swapped smoking for vaping

I tried vaping, but it just didn't do anything for me, sadly. There was no satisfying resistance when I took a draw...no, I can't go there. Another thing they said in my stop smoking course was to not think about what things you really enjoyed about smoking as it just made you feel deprived and sorry for yourself. Likewise with gum, etc.

I'm not game to even have a single puff to remind of how disgusting it is, because I'm sure I would find it delicious. That vile stench on my clothes and in the car would probably smell like heaven to me. I'm truly pathetic.

This scene from Frasier about Bebe stopping smoking pretty well sums it up for me:

I haven't been game to watch that since I stopped smoking four years ago.

I have never smoked but still think yabu.

It's an addiction it's not going to be easy for him to stop and someone telling him to isn't going to make him.

Yabu but I understand how you must feel.
He won't stop smoking until he is ready and no amount of encouragement from you will change that. He has to want to stop.
It took me about 4 attempts to give up and I think the average is around 7 attempts.
The patches and gum etc won't help if the will is not there.

I see both sides. It's an expensive habit and yanbu to want him to stop, even more so when he's said he will but is smoking on the sly .... but ...

I'm the same as him. DH and I stopped smoking together and bought a vapour thing instead. It was going ok but then the cravings got so bad for me that I started having the odd one here and there (usually off other people) before long I'd bought a packet and was sneaking out to smoke whilst DH watched TV. I thought I was being quite clever until DH suddenly said he's known I've been smoking for ages and if I was going to do it he'd rather I be honest about it rather than sneaking around behind his back ☹️ I've kept off them since but it's so hard and certainly not a "little thing"

I think YABU. You've made a choice to be with a drug addict. Only he can stop & you banging on, won't help.

Totally get why you want him to & for that YANBU however, only he can make himself stop

If quitting smoking was in any way easy then the only smokers would be teenagers. I don't believe you can ever feel good about yourself if you're a smoker. I had a 30-year habit, with many attempts at quitting. Currently 4 years tobacco-free (since my GP put on the black cap and sentenced me to death), absolute nightmare to stop and I remain reliant on nicotine gum. Yer man wants to give up for sure but wanting won't necessarily do it - he might feel he's better off smoking than inflicting his mood-swings on his family...

Yes tbf he has always been a smoker and you want him to stop- it's not really a reasonable request when you think about it objectively, he's a grown man.

But of course yanbu to be worried. But I think a grown man sneaking around smokin is pretty sad. He has tried for you and is still trying not to disappoint you

I was a serial giver upper for years.

I managed it eventually but it was bloody hard.

Hopefully he will spend less if he continues to be a secret smoker.

Thanks for your insight. I wanted to hear from smokers so it would help me understand why he would have one after all this time and all the hard work he's put in.
I stand by my 'one little thing' comment because he's treated all the things I've had to give up as 'little things.' When we go to a pub and he says 'a pint of beer and a coke' when it's a gloriously hot day and all I want is to sit outside a sip a beautiful cold beer and feel that 'ah' feeling. I haven't resented him for expecting him to stop because it's what's best for our family.

The problem is the lying and loss of respect. Addict behaviour is extremely unattractive.

I don't think you can compare not drinking because you are breastfeeding to an addict struggling with their addiction.

I know how annoying it is because my husband is the same on this issue. I have always hated the idea of smoking - the expense, the smell, the health risks, I even think it looks "dirty".
I tried everything to persuade my husband to give up but he just couldn't. He became a semi-secret smoker as it would annoy me so much he never smoked in front of me or where I'd be likely to discover it. The upside of that was that he cut down to a bare minimum if about 5 a day.
I finally learnt to accept it and how totally addicted he is after our first child was born as he so desperately wanted to give up but couldn't.
He now "knows I know" he smokes but he mainly vapes now and has maybe 5 cigs a week max. This is a compromise I can live with and we are both happier than when we bickered about it or he snuck around doing it.

What I'm saying is, if he's a good husband and father in other ways maybe you can work out a way to compromise on this issue.

You can have the odd drink when breastfeeding by the way. My midwife positively encouraged a relaxing glass of wine!