I've name changed.
I'm feeling massively depressed because my DH's drinking is causing massive problems in our relationship. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and his behaviour is normal. I think his behaviour is uncontrolled and I resent it, and him.
The context is that I don't drink. I'm allergic. When we met he lied about how much he drinks. I did realise that he was a heavy drinker, but I have always been clear that I can't live with a heavy drinker. I hate his behaviour when he drinks. I hate the fact that he can't drink in moderation (he is a binge drinker mainly). When he starts he doesn't want to stop. He is a arse when he drinks, but I have no tolerance for drunk people. However, at our age, nobody I know really gets totally drunk anymore. He still does. He slurs and sways. Through our relationship his drinking has been more of a problem, and he stopped totally for about 10 months. He then started again (not telling me). He has said he would stop again since, but generally doesn't do it for more than a few weeks (and lies to me about it).
Mainly, he doesn't come home when he says he will, sometimes he doesn't come home at all. He is hungover but hasn't drunk to the stage of throwing up for ages. This will happen even if it is his responsibility to take the kids to school or other things are happening. I never know when (if) he will be home, and sometimes I don't know where the car will be (although he somehow manages to get it home, he tells me other people drive it back).
For me, all this is totally unacceptable. I do not want my children to see him that hung over. I do not want them exposed to someone who has no control over their alcohol.
For him, it only happens once a week at most. He says everyone does it (because the group of single or childless people he hangs out with when doing it all do it a lot more often than he does).
I don't want to live with it. I don't want to spend another second of my life worrying about when or if he is going to come home. I don't want the continual text conversations of 'where are you, when are you home' 'I'll be home at x time' then the time passes and it repeats, until it becomes 'soon, don't worry'. I don't want to spend any more time with someone hung over.
But I know I don't drink, and so I have zero tolerance. I can't stand his utter lack of ability to control what he is doing, and I hate him drunk. How 'normal' is this and AIBU to tell him I will not live with this?