AIBU with my friends?

[PhyllisNights]

I'm the first one in my social group to get pregnant. I talk to my friends on a daily basis through WhatsApp and see them all in person at least once a week.

As it's my first pregnancy, I'm very excited. I can't stop talking about it. I'm so lucky, so happy, so fortunate & so privileged. My baby feels so special, like I know my baby will do something incredible in this world - I can feel it!!

And yet, my friends have started to turn on me. They've become very jealous. They make snide remarks, they mimick me & give me side eye. I feel like my pregnancy is the butt of all the jokes.

I can't help that I've been so blessed and so fortunate to get pregnant out of my friends first. I went to college, uni, started a professional career first & got married first. I've just always been up step ahead - I can't help it!!

Would it be unreasonable to sit my friends down and ask them to stop being so negative? I want to ask them to support me better and help me out.

[GinAndTunic]

Fenella and Duchess, I'd go for Ikea Magnet Wren

On the other hand, if you have a son Smallbone is right out.

[WildIrishRose1]

Ah, Gin 👏

[mikeyssister]

Gin, does muda mean waste?

If so we definitely don't have one. Nothing goes to waste here. Sure, we recycle clothes and cots etc through 20 babies and still offer them to random strangers.

[GaelicSiog]

guiness :

I have unexpected company this evening because ex is a waste of space. I might have to go via the supermarket on the way home and stock up for my own vegan fajita Friday. Without DD, obviously. She chose to go to school

[ArsenalsPlayingAtHome]

Don't mind me, just marking my place!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@PhyllisNights - I am going to repeat what I said earlier about not building up such a rosy, romantic, idealistic picture of how parenthood is going to be. Dreams are good, but the reality of parenthood can be a bit of a shock, especially if you have decided in advance how wonderful it is all going to be.

I honestly believe that having a too-rosy picture of how perfect life with a baby is going to be can contribute to PND, when someone finds out that motherhood is not all fluffy blankets, cuddles and rocking chairs, and there is a whole lot of poo, wee, vomit and screaming (not all of it from the baby), and you are trying to hang onto what little tatters remain of your sanity on little or no sleep.

As a previous poster has said, "there is no duller subject in the world than "parenting styles" from someone who doesn't even have children yet." That sounds harsh, I know - but it is true.

Remember that, on MN, you are talking to a bunch of people, the majority of whom actually have children and therefore know a helluva lot more than you do about what it is actually like raising them.

The best advice I can give anyone about parenting is this - yes, by all means read the books, decide which theories you like and dislike - but bear in mind that your child and your family are not going to fit any theory exactly, so take the bits that suit you and your baby from all the theories, and cobble them together into something that suits you. As others have said, choice can be good, but there are some things in life where there is no choice, and a child needs to learn this. For example - choosing what to wear - that is generally OK, but if it is below freezing outside and you have to take the child out, you can't let them choose to wear shorts, t-shirt and sandals. At that point, the good parent has to step in and say that the child's choice is not sensible. So you allow choice but within limits. Then when your child goes to school and has to wear uniform, you have set a precedent and can say "Darling, you can choose what to wear after school and weekends and holidays, but you have to wear the uniform for school".

I only recommend two parenting books - Divas and Doorslammers by Charlie Taylor, which is about the adolescent years, and How Not To Be A Perfect Mother by Libby Purves - which is a wonderful, funny and very realistic look at motherhood, with a lot of very sensible advice - eg. it doesn't matter if the baby is wearing a disposable nappy and one of their brother's jumpers with the arms rolled up, as long as the baby is warm, fed and has a clean bottom. And - even a perfect Madonna needs half an hour off, with her feet up and a drink!

[GinAndTunic]

Gin, does muda mean waste?

I meant it as a pun: father => fada; mother => muda.

Gaelic is a complete mystery to me; it's as though someone sneezed while typing: Rouasgoiunavoinavsonovboaiunsdf = John.

[GinAndTunic]

we recycle clothes and cots etc through 20 babies and still offer them to random strangers

You offer babies to random strangers?!

[KatherineMumsnet]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the reports, sorry for the late response!

We've had a look, and can't find anything to suggest the OP isn't genuine. We have no way of checking if any of the stories on here are actually completely for real, but we don't have any concerns that this is a PBP or anything, so please can we knock the troll-hunting on the head? We don't want to have to zap this, but we will do if it carries on.

[PhyllisNights]

SDGT, thank you for the advice. My mother had PND with me, but not with my older siblings. There is an age gap between me and my other siblings, though. Not sure if that contributed to it?

I'm under no illusion that it's going to be hard. I worry about how difficult it is going to be everyday. I'm just an overly optimistic person. I have gut feelings about things, and I do really believe that my baby is going to be special. Perhaps my baby will only be special to me and my family, but the baby will be special regardless.

I will let you all know how Fajita night goes, perhaps later tonight or tomorrow morning, depending on how long I'm out of the house for. I can't budge these feelings about being upset with my friends, sorry if that makes me a bad person. I just hear so much stuff from my sister in law and her friends, see stuff on social media from girls at Uni. I know I shouldn't compare, but I just want things to be as perfect as they can be. I feel as if my friends have put a slight downer on my experience of being pregnant for the first time.

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

OP you sound as if you place great importance on your quest for perfection and achievement. Being first all the time and putting the "work" into getting pregnant (really?).

Question; what are you going to do if you find out that perfect you and your perfect husband and your perfect life, welcome a baby who isn't perfect? One of my sisters said that the best parent she'd ever been was before she gave birth! She had it all mapped out - interesting tasks, no telly, everything organic, lovely wooden toys instead of plastic tat. Then she had her first child - who was the world's fussiest eater and almost never slept. Her youngest is severely autistic and delayed and is unlikely to ever be able to live independently. She's wonderful but incredibly stubborn and routine driven - pretty much living on wotsits (currently obsessed with orange food - but strangely, not oranges) and will have humungous meltdowns if she's parted from her favourite toys - all plastic, brightly coloured and not remotely tasteful.

If you already have your child earmarked for curing cancer or winning the Nobel peace prize, then I suspect you have disappointment coming your way. Great if your child is some kind of wonder-prodigy, but what are you going to do if they turn out to be entirely unremarkable and ordinary and working on a supermarket checkout?

[Starduke]

Of course your baby will be special to you. Just don't expect everyone else to feel the same.

There was a thread on here years ago when MNetter confessed that in the maternity ward she secretly felt sorry for all the other mums cos their babies weren't as beautiful as hers...several years later the rose-tinted view had worn off and she looked back at the newborn photos and laughed at how silly she'd been.

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

BTW - all babies are special. Everyone thinks their kids are amazing. If you work in HR and are good at reading people then you should already be aware of this? You don't sound terribly empathic - it's rare to find very competitive people (which you do sound as if you are) who can truly put themselves in someone else's shoes. Are you mistaking being able to understand a reaction from an intellectual standpoint for empathy and good people skills? Knowing what provokes a reaction in theory doesn't equate to genuinely being able to understand it.

[mikeyssister]

Gin, I'd give my babies to anyone who can take them. I'd even pay

Divas and doorslammers sums up my life.

[GinIsIn]

Not to mention everyone will always TELL you your baby is beautiful. To your face. Even though we all think they look like a tiny, drunk, angry version of Winston Churchill. Which all babies do, even mine on occasion and he's DEFINITELY special....

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

Don't try to live up to the rosy view of pregnancy/ motherhood you see on social media. It's not real. I can't stress enough that social media shows a completely distorted view of people's lives and so many people end up seriously depressed by comparing their crap lives to the perfect lives they see on social media. Of course people aren't going to post about the mundane monotony of motherhood, because nobody wants to hear about it. So they embellish it and project the image they want others to have of their lives. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy.

[PhyllisNights]

There's a lot of expectation that has been put on me. My eldest nephew is gorgeous looking, and he hit all his milestones so early - physically and mentally. He was counting up to twenty and reciting his ABCs so young. They were even thinking of getting him lessons to learn other languages and have put him in so many different things such as football and baby gym. He doesn't watch Peppa Pig, anything he does watch is high in educational content.

I just feel so positive about my baby. Other than choice parenting, there are so many things that I want to do regarding what the baby watches, the diet, classes, etc. It's so important to get in fast and quick when they're mines are like sponges and take everything in.

[GinIsIn]

Although I think I might be missing the PFB gene. We had to go to hospital at 4 weeks, and the consultant was running a lot of tests on the baby. "gosh" says the consultant "he's very advanced for 4 weeks - we wouldn't expect to see some of these milestones for months yet." DH looks impressed. "Oh don't worry" says I "I'm sure there's loads of things he'll be really rubbish at later on!"

All the hospital staff in the room were rather . In fairness I was very sleep deprived and hadn't thought before I spoke, plus I'm pretty sure being able to hold and wave a biro is not a marker for genius.....

[GinIsIn]

OP seriously you need to chill the fuck out!! their minds are like sponges?! Do you know what happens when you overload a sponge with too much fluid? It rips. Same applies to small minds when you overtax them.

[teawamutu]

I'd also say that it's a lot easier to post gushy comments on social media than remain positive while having the tits bored off you face to face. You sound as if you think they're exactly the same, which does suggest you struggle with empathy and emotional intelligence.

Ask yourself why you need to have an immensely exciting time for you and your dh validated by people who have nothing to do with it, really? Because you're spoiling it FOR YOURSELF by expecting far more from your friends than is reasonable, or they're willing to give.

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

We've had a look, and can't find anything to suggest the OP isn't genuine

Please get your head out of the clouds op. Nothing wrong with being excited about your baby but look at the pages and pages of this thread saying yabu. I actually thought you started this thread for a laugh. Dial it down a bit, you will need your friends around you when your baby is here and you need adult company.

[Troublesmith]

I have rtft. I have to say that the OP is bound to be niaive, remember the knowing nods from mothers with older children when they asked if it was your first.

However, I do think -trolling aside- there has largely been a consensus that OP is being a little more than entitled and needs to consider what her posts are saying about her.

OP, it is really not all about you. To start an op with "I was the first at everything", go onto "lavish wedding", and "just want them to" it is a little hard to not get the impression that your self awareness needs recalibrating, particularly if you want your friends to hang around.

And please, please, do not ever say out loud that your PFB is destined for greatness, by all means think it it, but out loud, no.

[Garlicansapphire]

I think there's a serious danger that other prospective mothers will also run for the hills. It's just too much to imagine that you and your baby are so special. Millions of women have babies every day - yours will be no less or more important than theirs.

Life is not a competition and no one ever says 'wow - how come your kids are so amazing, you are the champion of mothers.'

When I had DC1 we knew a Mum who just went on and on as if she was the first person who'd ever had a baby. We found her really boring and would avoid getting stuck with her.

I know we're being harsh on you but maybe we can save you some heartache later. And it is lovely that you are so excited but do be aware that alongside all the lovely times and power of love for your child it is also pretty hard work - the sleeplessness and tiredness - so don't set yourself up for a shock and disappointment. It's the little things that make it beautiful! But just wait for the terrible twos, the friend issues, the bad behaviour and sulks of teenagers. It's not all sunshine. So maybe get a dose of realism too... otherwise you might find you're in for a bit of a shock!

And I hope you're not expecting your little angel to be grateful! Says a mum of two teen DCs.....

[MammyNeedsASpaDay]

There's no way this is for real. I mean come on.

You sound like you think you're going to give birth to Jesus.

[Troublesmith]

OP, don't be that mum that others avoid because they talk ceaselessly about how great their little Herodotus is.

It will only get worse. My pfb is 18 now and there are STILL parents boring on about the greatness of their offspring. They are always best avoided.