Does anyone else trust no one with their dc?

[blubberball]

I have depression and anxiety, so this may be clouding my thinking, but I would now leave dc alone with zero of my family members/friends. Obviously they're at school, and I've never had any problems with the school, and I trust my dh 100%. My dm used to babysit them a lot, but recently, my 5yo ds told me that Nanny smacked him. My other family members who were there at the time, would not tell me what had gone on. I feel as though a line has been crossed, and I have lost all trust in other people. I dread to think what went on when dc were too little to speak, but I had no idea. I trusted dm. Not any more. Aibu? Also, does any body else feel this way?

I think what you are saying is that you've lost trust in your family. That's very understandable given the smacking incident. Are you being treated for your anxiety? Obviously you have to trust others with your DC or risk them becoming isolated and missing out on important parts of growing up such as play dates.

Do you have any support such as dh or friend who can help you to address your concerns with your DM? It sounds as if you've trusted her until now so she can't be all bad. It has to be discussed and new boundaries drawn before you can trust her again. On this, if she wants to see her gc, you hold all the cards.

Best wishes.

Yes I have struggled with this since I had 2 stillbirths and developed ptsd. It does get easier as kids get older but I always felt at odds with the other mums and their judgements.

Mine are older now at 12 and 9 but I was the same OP.

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I am on medication and in therapy atm. I feel very sad about it, because I thought that they had a great relationship. It was even more the fact that no one would admit or tell me what had gone on. They just thought that I wouldn't find out.

I only trust one particular grandparent with my dd but I don't care if anyone is offended it's my child and I can sleep at night knowing she's safe when I'm at work etc.

I've anxiety also but more a general anxiety.

I don't trust MIL with the kids. She used to ask to have DD when she was much smaller and we let her. She always seemed to engage and love her and pay lots of attention. One day when we went to pick her up, MIL was outside smoking at her neighbours door. She had left DD alone in her house in a cot with a cat in the house...so she could have a smoke. I smoke myself so know what the cravings are like but I wouldn't leave a 6 month old baby to go for one, and especially not halfway up the street chatting to the neighbour! At least outsider her door she could hear if DD cried or something.

I trust my parents 100% with them as they are wonderful parents and grandparents and I have no reason not to.

FIL and his partner too. FIL was never 'for' babies. He would not pick them up or anything. This was due to his only daughter dying of cot death when she was a few months old. FIL wouldn't even go near a female baby. Until DD was born. I don't know what changed but the moment he saw her he picked her up mesmerized and has been all over her ever since. I suspect she looks a lot like his daughter did...or he got over it (as much as one can) in that instant. His partner is amazing with kids, I am surprised she never went into childcare. Never ever loses her tempter with them or anything. So yeah, we trust them with the kids too.

It's not really an AIBU question though.

On the surface, as a general statement for vast majority of the population, then yes, YABU to trust no-one to look after your dc. However if you have some kind of mental health condition that means you suffer unduly from anxiety, or if there is something in your personal history that has taken that natural trust away, then it's no unreasonable as such, to feel that way.

Bit restrictive though, so might be worth tackling it in some way. What if you have to go into hospital or to a funeral or to work or an interview or a tooth extraction or you even just fancy a short break? I can't imagine restricting my life so much.

I'm the opposite. I trust most people. I let ds's go to people's homes for 'play dates'. I don't imagine they are going to come to much harm.

Once the trust is broken you can't get it back easily.

Personally I think the anxiety is a red herring here- even if you didn't have anxiety problems, once your trust in one person had been broken it's difficult to know who to trust

Thanks again for the replies. It is going to be very restricting for me, but what can I do? We'll have to still see these people from time to time, but I would never leave dc alone with them again. My db smacked my older ds when he was a toddler. I was there and I saw him do it, and I could see that he instantly regretted it. He apologised straight away, but I have never left dc alone with him since. It's been easy, as he lives abroad. It's going to be a bit trickier with dm, but I just can't leave dc with her any more.

I think you need to sit down with dm and find out what happened. My df smacked one of my dc once after he spat in his face (undiagnosed sn back then). I was really upset, we had a big chat and df agreed it wasn't his place and it had been a snap reaction and it wouldn't happen again.

They might not be telling you as they are worried about your reaction due to anxiety.

Did your 5 year old say why nanny had smacked him or even what she did. I have a 4 year old that says nanny smacked him (she would never lay hand in him and his older brother say he's fibbing) but he always says it when my mum does rarely shout at him as he gets cross

Df has never smacked dc again, he does find their behaviour very trying due to their sen (often looks like terrible bad behaviour) but he takes a breath and leaves it to my mum as she can stay calm

Thanks Allthewaves. My ds has sen too. I love him unconditionally, but his behaviour can be very trying, and not everyone loves him and tolerates him like I do.