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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking overgrown manchild

49 replies

WankingMonkey · 19/04/2017 00:16

Ugh. DH is on a rampage. Long story short hes been going on about going on holiday, and I thought yeah ok it would be nice for the kids too so we booked to go away in September, only have the deposit down so I told him we would really need to watch the cash if hes wanting to get it all paid for with a decent amount of spending money. Everything was great.

A few days ago his camera broke on his mobile. The phone works but the camera is fucked. So the moaning starts. How the phone is crap, he can't do anything on it. How he hasn't been able to hear anything on it for ages (never mentioned this, this evolved after I said the phone could still be used without the camera). I reminded him that he agreed to watching the pennies for the holiday. He states he still needs a mobile. I say he can use mine until we can afford one as I don't use a mobile anyway and its only really used when the kids go on youtube and that...nooo mines crap apparently (it is, its an old thing but still useable). I go into total ignore mode, meaning I quite literally ignore anything he says about a phone as can't be bloody arsed. Today we took the kids out to soft play. On our way back he wants to 'see what they have' in the vodaphone shop. Obviously this means more fucking moaning ab out a phone that we can neither afford nor need. However, am in a lot of pain by this point and have already taken my morphine which makes me slightly more agreeable so I say ok. He finds a decent one for a hundred quid which in a moment of weakness I say ok to. I realise now this was a huge mistake.

We can just about afford it. But I am annoyed as he did agree to no unnecessary spending (I don't count taking the kids to softplay as unnecessary spending as its the holidays and its...entertaining the kids) but I did agree to it so said he could get it on Thursday. Get back home, he gets the laptop out and starts tapping away. About 2 hours ago he decides that the phone I agreed to him having in the shop was crap (Samsung Galaxy J3) and he has decided the one he wants now is 160. I told him I had agreed we could waste 100 quid on a phone he didn't really need and that if he wants a different more expensive one, he can go trade in his laptop at CEX and pay part cash part exchange. No, thats no good despite him not touching the laptop for 3 months until tonight and despite us having another (admittedly very slow) laptop too. `He just wants us to pay the 160 quid which would leave us very short. I know 60 quid isn't a lot to most on here but it really is to us, especially when trying to pay for a holiday. he then starts with the 'oh you won't let me buy a phone when I need one' routine and I calmly point out that i said he could get the hundred quid phone, and he had then decided that he had to have a more expensive one, he could still have the hundred quid one but no more unless he was willing to trade some of his electrical crap in for another. Again...huffing and puffing and eventually he went to bed. About 10pm ish.

Hes just came down now for a drink and I said to him just in passing 'oh, I thought you would have been asleep by now'.

He glared at me, pretty much barked 'I was' at me. Then didn't say another word for 5 mins then slouched back off to bed.

I just wanted somewhere to rant tbh, but...WIBU to smother him with a fucking pillow?! God...its like having a bloody moody teenager round the house. I feel I have done something wrong in all of this but cannot figure out what it is (besides losing my resolve and giving in to the cheaper phone whilst in pain and on my meds...weak moment indeed)

OP posts:
CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 19/04/2017 05:51

cancel the holiday.....you can't afford it if an extra £60 will leave you short for rent/food etc

let HIM sort the ins and out if he wants a holiday

JessicaJulia234 · 19/04/2017 05:58

This reply has been deleted

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SpikeGilesSandwich · 19/04/2017 06:12

JessicaJulia, yeah... ok. Hmm

Fauxgina · 19/04/2017 06:29

I had my camera repaired on my Samsung Galaxy, is that an option?

Or can he take out a very cheap contract offering a cheap phone? Even if he needs to use his current contract he could just use the phone but consider it a long repayment period that might be easier on your finances than £160 up front.

Fairylea · 19/04/2017 07:07

We are also on a very low income and have a holiday booked in June which was kindly given to us free by a disabled children's charity. We need to save spending money for it and if one of our phones broke to be honest they would just have to stay broken and we would just have to get the cheapest pay as you go we could until we could save to afford something else - which would have to come after the spending money for the holiday.

Your dh is being very selfish, if you have a low budget you really both have to be on the same page.

Asmoto · 19/04/2017 07:23

If it's a PAYG would a reconditioned phone be an option? Argos clearance (on their eBay shop) sell them with a decent guarantee and I'm sure there are other reputable sources. I agree your DH is being very childish, and your trying to keep the reins on the family budget is sensible, not controlling.

Ceto · 19/04/2017 07:40

Do you get social services help? Under the Care Act there should not be a presumption that a spouse gives up work in order to look after a disabled person. It may be that if your husband could go back to work it would be a win all round.

Bananamanfan · 19/04/2017 07:47

I second going to your council. If you're entitled to a personal budget you can pay for a PA & that person can be a family member.

MaverickSnoopy · 19/04/2017 07:47

Have you sat down and shown him the finances? Have you shown him how much spending money you would have on holiday each day and what that would equate to, ie dinner out vs cooking or drinks at the pub vs a bottle of wine in? If you suggested that if he were to help find the £160 sensibly within your finances so that no one went without, would he take this on properly or would he be selfish and make ridiculous suggestions? I manage our finances as I can look after it better than DH. If I think we can't afford something I go through it with him in detail and ask for suggestions. More often than not we can't afford it but sometimes he makes sensible suggestions that I wouldn't have thought of meaning that we can afford it.

Fwiw I have just got the Samsung j3. Apparently it's an old phone but i think it's great. However I couldn't give a hoot what phone I have so long as it makes calls and sends texts. My iPhone carrying dh commented on how great the camera is! I got the phone because the contract is 12.50 a month which means we have money for things we otherwise wouldn't have. It's called responsibility. Hopefully your dh will come to his senses and realise that it's not feasible.

Bananamanfan · 19/04/2017 07:48

...Also a personal budget can sometimes be used towards a holiday in some situations.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/04/2017 07:50

Cancel the holiday. Spend the money you do have on fabulous day trips and extra ice creams.

cansu · 19/04/2017 07:52

He is beibg ridiculous. If money is tight then expensive gadgets are not a priority. I am sure there are plenty of things you would like that you have gone without. I would keep ignoring it and ultimately tell him that holiday will have to be cancelled if he cant see that some sacrifices will need to be made for it.

RedSkyAtNight · 19/04/2017 07:58

It really sounds like you're not on the same page re spending. TBH I'd be knocking stuff like soft play on the head as well if money is as tight as it sounds like it is. It may well be that he sees you spending a tenner here and there on the children and thinks you're being inconsistent.

GrumpyOldBag · 19/04/2017 07:58

Wow, Jessica Julia is being prolific today. that's the 3rd post I've seen this morning that's been hidden.

morningconstitutional2017 · 19/04/2017 07:59

Dear me, I don't know about the pillow, I'd be tempted to use my bare hands.

Penfold007 · 19/04/2017 08:00

Agree with Ceto you need an assessment under the Care Act. You need a formal care plan for you and the DC. Having carers come in would take a lot of pressure off you both. DH could then return to work which sounds as though it would be better both financially and mentally.
He is going to buy the phone and is happy to leave the family short of money for essentials. How does he plan on paying the balance on the holiday?

Pollydonia · 19/04/2017 08:06

I understand op, he is being a massive bell end and we're on an "economy week" too due to helping ds move out/ easter/ vets bills.
If it works then I would tell his dad tbh.

abbsisspartacus · 19/04/2017 08:34

He can earn £100 per week and still claim carers allowance is that an option?

ElisavetaFartsonira · 19/04/2017 09:00

I was just thinking about this and could it be that he is just massively pissed off with not having much money and the strop about the phone isnt really about the phone?

That is what I was thinking.

There've been a number of posts like that on here, where a family are on a very limited income and one partner tries to manage that as best they can while the other rebels against it. Then the one who is actually trying to balance the budget ends up being accused of being controlling, and effectively is being, because they're forced into it, because the other person has spelled it out loud and clear that they're not going to take any responsibility for managing the finances. So either someone is controlling or people stop being able to eat.

The situation you describe OP sounds just like that. DH rebelling against straitened circumstances and directing the anger at you.

Original poster
WankingMonkey · 19/04/2017 11:53

He seems to have had a change of heart this morning. Is going to trade in his laptop and sell broken phone to musicmagpie or something as apparently he has checked and they will still pay 80 quid for it even broken. So no cash at all spent on a phone now..

Earning 100 quid isn't really too doable as my attacks can come at any time with no warning. I am currently looking into homebased work where I could technically pick my own hours (though do a minimum per week, just whenever) as I could not do a set schedule at all but coming up with nothing so far.

We have been in touch with carers.org who have told me it is slow going but they might be able to help with care and stuff, even if its just for him getting a bit of a break rather than longer term.

Thanks everyone...it kind of helps just to have someone to rant at at times if that makes sense, though also useful to get different opinions :)

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/04/2017 12:05

It definitely makes sense that you need an outlet for a rant/vent - carry on!

Glad he's sorted his head out a bit better, and made some better choices - hurrah!

Hope carers.org can help you out. Thanks

Original poster
WankingMonkey · 19/04/2017 12:10

I am also listed for something called (I believe) intercostal muscle injections but have now been on the waiting list for over a year. Those according to the pain clinic should really help as its a long lasting local anaesthetic. So its hopefully a case of just riding out the storm until then.

If anyone has any experience with these injections, could you let me know how they worked for you? Success stories, failures, everything. I cannot find much info about them on the internet and my pain clinic appointments are few and far between these days so its hard to find out actual information :)

OP posts:
Asmoto · 19/04/2017 16:21

It might be worth starting a new thread in one of the health topics for your injections, OP, so the question is visible to everyone.

Meekonsandwich · 19/04/2017 20:48

Does he get an allowance or something? I don't understand why youre giving him money???

If it's a joint finance situation,I'd get it all out, give it to him, and say "this is the money, this is what we need it to cover" and make him to the weekly shop and pay the bills. See if he changes his tune then
He won't learn if you are (sensuble) and look after the finances all the time.

I'd be disgusted he wants his family to go short to have a fucking camera on his phone.

You're right - man child.

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