HR & father of premature baby (posting for traffic)

[sheepashwap]

My husband's colleague has just had a baby (colleague is the father). Baby is 1.5kg (3.3lb). I was talking to DH about a thread I'd seen not so long ago here with an MP asking about paternity leave (or something similar) and some of the replies about how difficult having a premature baby was with combing work and time off etc. I can't find it.

Subsequently DH wants to make sure that HR go above and beyond for this guy and will double check tomorrow that is happening. I'm posting to ask if you can share any tips from your own experiences about what a good HR could have done for you/your family/a friend.

The father isn't on DH's team anymore, or he'd have more direct input, but DH has a v good relationship with HR so he is certain that he can influence for the good if something's not being done.

I had a 26 weeker. Paternity leave was not an issue for us. Depending upon his role HR may allow flexible working, compassionate leave and if necessary he could simply and very legitimately see the GP for a sick note for stress. Our baby was in hospital for 7 months and it became a way of life. My DH didn't need to take additional leave and I was the one in hospital all day and we both were at night. We lived at the hospital in special accommodation and I guess you could work there remotely as life settles into a routine of sorts.

Criss a 1.5 kg baby isn't "the worst disaster" but it's still bloody hard. See exhibit A - my little one in hospital. And she had a relatively easy time of it - couple of bouts of jaundice, a hospital acquired infection and problems feeding.

I suspect the poster above is right about professionals having it easier.

We had two weeks paternity, my Dh was then signed off for two weeks on stress (agree with all said above re stress/anxiety of a very difficult and changeable situation) and then he went in evenings which he found so difficult. Work was good and there were days he didn't go in but generally got through.
To the poster above re 3lb3 not the worst please be sympathetic with your language, every baby totally different journey, we had 30 weeker who was 3lb0 but transferred to Nicu and almost 8 weeks on Scbu following. Well aware that many many people have it much worst but you can only have the experience you are in and therefore language like that can make you feel like you should be coping better.

*worse

I had a prem baby, on a Friday morning. DH was back at work on the Monday as he thought he'd better save his paternity leave for when she came home, and nobody at his office thought to offer him extra leave. (He was in the middle of a big project, still fairly junior and didn't feel he could ask).

So I'd say - extra leave, at least enough to cover the first couple of weeks of hospital plus the first couple of weeks at home. Plus flexibility to be home if there are medical appointments or medical ups and downs (there may well be a few). It is important to let the colleague know that he will not be judged negatively for taking extra leave as this seems to be something many fathers worry about.

HR bod and mother of a premature baby here. From our experience, best thing to do is keep Paternity Leave for when baby comes home. Not sure what this gentleman is entitled to contractually/ statutorily, but a sick line from his doctor for a few weeks would cover the first few weeks at least and mean he was paid (as opposed to different types of unpaid leave). Our daughter was in hospital for 11 weeks so my husband went back to work after a week and I went to the hospital every day for "cares". My husband came with me evening and weekends. Hard - but we appreciated having the time at home when she came home.

My babies were tiny bit bigger than that size, twins, premature.
Dh took his paternity leave when we were discharged plus two weeks hols so a month off.
Whilst we were in hospital he left work a bit early each day, about 4pm so he could spend evening with us at hospital. That way arrangement with his boss. He is senior professional who is well respected at work. Nothing needed from hr. I work in hr myself can't think of anything they could do!

I am a Head of HR - we don't give full pay for paternity leave (statutory only), no extended pat leave, and we don't pay sick pay (other than statutory) so getting signed off isn't helpful if you need the money. We have no compassionate or carer's leave policy.

If someone came to talk to me about this I'd say thanks for letting me know, I'm sure he can talk to his manager if he needs extra time off or help. If he did, it would then be at the discretion of the manager if he gave him time off with or without pay - the manager would discuss with me and I would advise based on precedent, the welfare of the employee and weighing that up against the needs of the business.

Obviously, all employers are different with different policies and cultures.

And, while I am sure Criss wasn't intending anyone to think a prem baby isn't a difficult situation, nor was s/he trying to second guess what is the worst disaster, the point was that we all have stuff we have to cope with and HR gets this sort of thing to deal with on a daily basis. Obviously your crisis is worse than anyone else's, ever. We do understand all that, but we are primarily there to support the business so our advice is to managers, not employees. But, it's not a competition, is it. Every situation gets assessed on its own merits.

Dh didn't need anything from hr just a bit of flexibility and understanding from his boss.
As a hr leader and mum of premmies it pisses me off when people think hr are the welfare department! we don't rush round with a shepherds pie.
I'd leave it to the individual employee and keep my nose out if I was your dh. They shouldn't be discussing anyone else with him for data protection reasons anyway!

We had twins born at 27 weeks, weighing 1kg and 800g. My husband was lucky that his employer gave enhanced maternity/paternity in their contracts and he was entitled to 2 weeks per baby on full pay (in the UK, paternity leave has to be taken within 56 days of the due date if a baby is born early so doesn't have to be taken as soon as they are born if you don't want to). They were also good in giving him a paid week off when I first gave birth.

Because we were expecting twins, we knew they were likely to come early (just not that early!) so he had saved up annual leave to use to extend his paternity leave but he actually used it so that he only worked 3 day weeks for the 13 1/2 weeks our son was in hospital (unfortunately one of our sons didn't make it and my husband's work was equally supportive in this giving compassionate leave for as long as he needed, I think he had 2 weeks off). He worked shifts so would visit the hospital either before or after work depending on what hours he was on that week, and the hospital was on the way to his work, which obviously made things somewhat easier.

I would suggest the new dad speaks to his manager to see if he can have some compassionate leave in the first instance, perhaps take some annual leave and then take his paternity leave when the baby comes home. By the time he has a few weeks leave, they will have a better idea of how well the baby is and a better idea of how long they will be in hospital so it will be easier to plan. And if baby is doing well, the couple may not feel he needs to be in the hospital all day, every day at that point. Obviously, this is partly dependant on his contract, what country's laws have to be abided by and how compassionate his workplace is.

Thank you for your replies, and for sharing your experiences.

I'm not sure if people really expect HR to be a welfare office, but the kindness and generosity extended to me/us in a horrific period really made a difference. It impacted DH's loyalty a lot too. While the company isn't there to serve its employees, sometimes a small extra investment will reap large and long term rewards.

Agree about professional level staff getting better treatment. This man is of that level, luckily for him.

As a hr leader and mum of premmies it pisses me off when people think hr are the welfare department!

😂 This made me laugh. My office was like a GP and Counsellor's surgery today with various health complaints and issues coming my way after the Easter break. Not sure what they think me with a degree is HR Management can do for their potential lung problem / swollen ankle / possible unwanted pregnancy / boyfriend break up / parent in hospital issues (all different people, otherwise that would be unlucky 🙄)

It's down to the manager to make any decision on time off, with guidance from HR only based on policy and prescedent previously set.

Blimey the responses from HR professionals on this thread are eye opening. Pleased I have always worked at places with a more holistic approach to employees, you do tend to get back what you put in!

**Wickerlamp - unless you have experienced the total shock and fear involved in parenting a preterm baby, and all that follows for both parents, you cannot possibly imagine the levels of anxiety which result.

In a previous company we had someone whose baby came along at 24 weeks! Obviously the baby was in hospital for months and his job was one that allowed flexibility. If I remember correctly he took some time off at the start as either sick leave or compassionate leave (there was a lot of shock and worry about whether the baby would survive at all) then he worked flexibly for the next few months so he could visit the hospital daily. And then he took his paternity once the baby came home, I think. With annual leave supplementing all of this.
But really he needs to have a conversation with his manager about what's desirable from both sides. It's hard for HR and a third party to know what the manager needs in terms of work and attendance and what the father will need.

My husband got a week of compassionate leave to go with his two weeks paternity. It was vital as we had one twin at home and one in NICU for quite a lot of the time, plus older children at home too. Then after an emergency blue light re-admission he was given another day's compassionate leave. We are both so grateful for the way he was treated by work. Also just kind words etc from people at work make a huge difference at that sort of time.

Quite right Farfalla and once, add your wife in ICU to a baby in NICU and the stress is immense.

DH had a very stressful/responsible/difficult job when DD was born. He was given four months off, we were in hospital for three of them. It was not possible for him to work as far as his employer was concerned. Exceptional but true for good reason.

My amazing employer gives parents 100% of the time off on full pay of a child is hospitalized!

Most parents are so grateful they end up working any hours they can but know the right to be absent full time is there if they need it.

I wonder what the op's dh will be asking hr to do?
The employee himself may be back at work tomorrow, my dh was. came to see me and twinnie prems in nicu about 4pm each day. That way he can save all his leave for when baby goes home, normally they let you out assuming no other complications once baby is 4-5lb