This is my first time posting. I'm sorry, it's really long. Skip to the 6th paragraph if you only want the basics.
My MIL and I have always had a difficult relationship. It's not just me who has trouble with her; she's fallen out with 4 of her sisters over minor things (comments about the dog not being well-trained for example) and cut contact with them and often falls out with us (my DH and me) whenever we don't do something she wants.
We live abroad, my DH and his family are from here, I'm British. I speak the language fluently but there have been many clashes over differences in culture and their expectations of a dil.
My mil is very controlling and vocal about her disapproval of certain things I do or don't do. Ironing (or lack of), clutter in my house, my make up (I have a scar on my face and cover it using special camouflage make up which she has told me is too greasy), my hair, our parenting, my cooking... all that and more has been criticised to my face.
Anyway we were there for Easter. It was the 4th day of being there and my dh and I were having real trouble being around her. She is mentally exhausting, we actually think she has narcissistic personality disorder. In 4 days she didn't once ask me a question about me, my family, not even about the kids, their school...nothing. If we talk about ourselves she interrupts with a story about herself. Her sister just had breast cancer but there is zero empathy or sympathy and the most important part of that story is how she had to go to an emergency mammogram as breast cancer is now in the family. She also has a very inflated sense of being amazing. If you believe her she is the prettiest of all her sisters (yes, really, she has said it a lot), the best cook of anyone she knows, everyone hates her (she has a lot of enemies) because they are jealous... and I have to spend from morning to night with her, as my dh and his dad go off and bond. I find it so tiring, she expects me to agree with her on everything. She's also super negative and downright nasty about others. She always talks about others, even calling some of them prostitutes and bitches... also she called 2 babies ugly :-( and waits for me to agree with her!! She's so negative that I end up feeling depressed. If I go away to the bedroom for a bit of downtime she huffs and puffs then bitches to my husband, so I felt I couldn't do that. By the time the men came back I admit I was moody and sat quietly for a while, I answered anyone if they asked me something directly but I wasn't the best company. 10 years I've had to put up with this behaviour.
I should probably say that she is a v good hostess in terms of providing meals. I kept asking what I could do to help and she kept insisting that she was fine, and also with the kids she really wanted to give them their bath etc so I let her. I also had really hurt my back after the 6 hour car journey, I've never hurt it so bad before and anything I did do was very slow. My pil knew about my sore back.
Anyway here is what happened. I was in the bedroom having got the kids to sleep. I heard raised voices (not unusual in that house) and I then heard my name. I got up and listened and heard my mil bitching about me to my dh. He was standing up for me. She said I was a lazy shit, that I did nothing while I was there, I was a moody c*, I was so slow and then I heard her tell him I was faking my sore back! She did a crap little immitation of me saying 'ow, ow, ow' and I cracked. I went down and everyone went silent and then it all kicked off. I shouted something like 'you've always hated me but to hear you saying I'm faking my backache? That's a new one!!!' Then all the truths came out from both of us.
It was awful. At one point she grabbed my wrist, her face an inch from my face and screamed at me. I thought she was going to hit me.
Her beef with me, apart from being lazy and 'faking a back ache':
*I should phone her just to chat (she gets phonecalls from dh, but I don't see why I should seperately be calling)
*I sent her an email saying happy birthday instead of phoning (I work, I have 2 kids, it was a week day...)
- in 2015 they stayed 3 weeks with us. Actually they were invited for 2. They invited themselves for the third week, didn't ask if it was ok, if I had plans or anything. my dh had to work so I had to look after them. She says I didn't make them anything to eat at lunch, that she made all the lunches, which is probably true because after 2 weeks of cooking 2 home made meals a day, I asked if we could do something simple at lunchtimes in the last week, like sandwiches. To them sandwiches for lunch is absurd so she cooked. 3 weeks is too fucking much anyway so I suppose I wasn't the best hostess by then.
- many, many other things.
Because the kids were sleeping I said we'd leave first thing and we did. I told her I will never see her again and I will stick to that. She's toxic for me.
Anyway, getting to the WIBU : my babies. She's their grandmother, I know, but they're 2 and 4. I don't trust her not to trash me to them / in front of them. As I had just overheard her trashing me to my own husband how can I trust her?!
My dh is v supportive, but an only child and I understand he kind of can't cut ties with her so easily himself. He wishes he could but he has no one except us in the world and at the end of the day it's his mum. I'm ok with him keeping contact, tbh I think he will cut ties in the end when he's ready anyway as she puts too much pressure on him and the fights and insults she throws at him are getting too much. He understands if I don't want the kids to see his parents in the near future, but WIBU to keep them from seeing their grandparents in the longer term, until I know they are old enough to understand the situation and to be able to report back to me if she steps a foot out of line? They really enjoyed their time with their grandparents but they don't have regular contact anyway, they hadn't seen each other for a year so it wouldn't be painful for the kids to cut contact.