AIBU....to expect my son to revise?

[Bigglassofwineplease]

My daughter was proactive, worked independently and has done well. My 14 year old son needs constant encouragement, constant prodding and gets detentions for homework if I leave him to his own devices.

He has assessments after the Easter break. I talked through everything with him and he agreed to an un-pressurised revision schedule starting today. I have bought his books, new pens etc to make it nice for him. Today was revision day 1 and he has already had a go at me for suggesting he starts his schedule and has said I have put him under too much pressure. As a result he has shut himself away in his room. Nothing achieved. Do I leave him? Do I distance myself and allow him to do nothing and fail? He needs to work. Without it he is getting 30-40%. If he tried then he could do well. Am I alone in this? All my friends ds seem to do well without arguments. I have helped him so much and have been SO patient. I even put a reward at the end of the week for his commitment to what we agreed. Btw...no Dad around and when he was, there was no educational support from him. I did well at school and Uni.....so I am very much equipped to help but I need my ds to take the reigns and want to do well......kind suggestions welcome.....thanks.

Switch the internet off for a start. It removes an instant distraction.

I feel your pain. I don't know what the answer is but am following eagerly.
Mine goes back to school on Thursday having had over 2 weeks off. He still hasn't finished the homework that was set before the holidays, let alone started going through all his books to get them in order to start revision once he goes back. I get moaned at if I remind him that he has work to do, and I get moaned at if I don't remind him for not reminding him Thank God GCSEs are next year - I'm still waiting for this realisation of the need to work to kick in - I keep being told that it happens.....

I need the internet for my work. I have my son's phone, he is just looking through random stuff in his room. Nobody has shouted...I am hoping he will start of his own accord. What time he starts is irrelevant as long as he starts. He is clueless about how to revise and I am upset that he doesn't realise how lucky he is to have a patient mum here to help him.

I am willing these next two GCSE years away and am praying that he will sort himself out. I worry about him being under pressure and don't want him ending up having some kind of breakdown and achieving nothing. I am THAT worried about his work ethic. The sooner you start the better, surely....but the child has to want to or it's pointless.

Watching with interest. I have a very bright year 7 who is sooo lazy. He is at GS and is somehow getting by goodness knows how. He does no homework whatsoever Mon-Fri unless he has forgotten to hand something in and he has to hand it in the following morning. Every weekend is a battleground. I nag him and bribe him to do his homework nothing works he is obsessed by phone and iPad DH says leave him to sink then he'll learn but I don't feel able to do that just wish he would motivate himself. I remove any distractions like iPad Xbox phone and tv remotes in the hope that he might think about and focus on his school work but this doesn't work either. No help really but sympathy as in the same boat here and I can't imagine it changing the further up the school he gets. 😃💐🍷💐

DS1 never really got into revising until end of year 10 when he sat his earlier exams. He needed to see the prize so to speak. At 14 it was a struggle but he gained a lot of maturity in the twelve months to 15. He was also afraid of trying and failing than failing without effort as at least he had a reason iyswim.

It would help if he and his friends were in the higher sets but unfortunately this is the common mindset of their group. He isn't allowed out with them if he hasn't done his work either.

Do boys just do everything last minute? Are they different to girls in that respect? I can see myself being so stressed myself if this doesn't change. As the adult that is my job but I am at a loss today :(

DS is very different to younger DD in that respect. She is keen to work, keen to do her best, and sees the benefit of getting work out the way before doing other stuff.
I too get very stressed if that helps!

DS isn't that conscientious and is sitting gcse exams next month. He has a timetable, it's an effort to get him to do stuff but it's basically a threaten to withhold stuff scenario.

DS and his peer group are in top set for everything. One lad makes a point of never revising, it's his badge of honour. So don't think it's a set thing.

Being in the top set, usually means you have a level of ability and can wing assessments and exams and still do ok. If you are in the bottom set you need to really work to achieve results. That's my issue there :(

Not everybody is academically minded.
Especially when older siblings or parents have done well or have natural ability.
I worked my socks off through out school and a levels,
My brother decided to wing it, never revised and thought he'd do okay. He passed a few gcse s and failed his first year of a levels.
For some people that's enough to spur them on to do better for others it's just a sign they do not like academia.
Pushing will not help. They need to make their own mistakes.
He is much happier working and can go back and do his a levels/access course at a different time if he wants.

Do boys just do everything last minute? Are they different to girls in that respect?
From my experience, no. My now grown up sons never needed urging to do homework, assignments, study, etc. because I think they've inherited their dad's totally organised and focused streak. Whereas me....my username says it all! I've always done very well in exams etc but usually everything was done at the last minute

He is clueless about how to revise and I am upset that he doesn't realise how lucky he is to have a patient mum here to help him.

You also sound like my mum did when I was at school ... I hated revision because I never got anything out of it, and my mum constantly going on about how she was there to help me and I needed to work was actually counter productive because she made it into an issue and it caused my anxiety to skyrocket. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad or as a criticism, but for some children, the more you make an issue of something, especially if they are struggling, the more of an issue it becomes and the spiral just gets worse and it's something to be aware of.

If he doesn't know how to revise, how is he meant to actually do it then, especially if he sees it as a chore he may not know where to start or how to break things down to manageable sections. I'd check whether they get any help at school wrt actually getting the most out of studying. It wasn't until I went into Yr 9 and we had a Study Skills Workshop at school that I actually learned how to get the most out of studying and how to do it effectively, and that what works for someone else wasn't suited to my learning style.

Also, what "revising" entails to you might be different to him and/or his learning style. My mother had a view that revision required sitting at a desk, in silence, no internet, reading through books, copying information out ad infinitum ... which did nothing for me beyond make me resent whatever I was studying and make my hand hurt from all the writing. How I learn and study best is sitting/lying on my bed, surrounded by my books and materials, with some quiet music on in the background (I find silence much more distracting than some white noise), highlighting key parts of my notes, making a few flashcards and using the internet to find quizzes/practical applications of the information I'm studying, with lots of breaks and plenty of group study sessions so my friends and I could bounce ideas off each other and make it fun. All my mother saw was me lying around doing nothing with random bits of paper everywhere, or messing around with my friends

I feel your pain (dc 15 years old). His exams started today.

We've discussed timetables, why of revising etc. We have also physically removed his computer from his room, although he still has his phone ("for music").

We've tried,to I still times to,revise. Ie. 6-6.45pm, 7-7.45pm.

Notice the use of 'tried'. We shall find out how successful,he is when the results,come out.

Last year was fairly disastrous. I hoped,it,would,spur him on this year.

If it not a GCSE year, then sometimes it helps,to,let them fail, so,they can see what needs to be done (risky strategy, I know).

I had this exact conversation with a friend yesterday. Elder DD worked really hard for her GCSE's last year without prompting, did extremely well as she deserved and is now taking the same mature approach to her A levels.

Twin sons in year 10 are just as bright, just as capable, but too lazy to arse themselves and therefore not achieving their potential. One is much worse than the other, I've spent this entire holiday nagging them both to revise for tests coming up in the next couple of weeks. They'd have done nothing at all otherwise.

The mothers of their friends say the same thing - I don't think testing boys at this age is in their best interest, most of them just aren't mature or organised enough to do themselves justice. I live in hope they will see the light soon & start investing in their own futures!!

Girls are so much easier...

This thread is a relief . My 14 yr old, nearly 15 is the same. 1 yr off GCSES and no idea how much work he needs to do. Have to nag to do work and sit and help.him.We had a chat with him about not studying. If he fails and his mates all go off to uni, we said he won't want to still be living with us at 18. Explained he will be stuck with us if he doesn't do well enough to get a job or get in to uni. Explained he has to pay his way when he gets to 18. this seemed to help and he seems to be doing more school work for himself now rather than trying to please us saying he had done 2 hours.

My DS is y11 with GCSEs due to start in a couple of weeks. When I talk to friends/ colleagues with DDs they seem so sorted and motivated. DS wanders around the house listening to music, singing to himself and messaging his friends. This goes on for hours. Any revision is in minutes .... he then reports that he has been revising.....

How to revise depends on the child. He needs to use these pre-GCSE years to figure out what works for him. So try all the techniques til he find one he likes. Off the top of my head flash cards, mind maps, writing out & highlighting, reading through and shortening notes are all liked by my students. BBC bitesize is good too. Reading / watching stuff a bit more challenging can help with garnering enthusiasm - ted talks are great for this for capable students 14+.

With timings and motivation, encourage him to set personal goals. How about 20-30 mins revision followed by 5-10 mins dancing round the room? Or 1 hour revision followed by 20 mins gaming? A period of hard work, followed by a treat.

Do boys just do everything last minute? Are they different to girls in that respect?

Not based on my dream Year 7 son. Rarely have to say a word about his school work etc. He is on top of it all, very organized, and doing brilliantly.

It's an individual thing, not a gender thing.

I opened this ecpecting you were talkng about him doing his GCSEs from next month.
As they are not for 2 yrs, then yes, I think YAB optimistic in the extreme.
Don't get me wrong, it would be nice if they did, but realistically, I reckon any 14 yr old ds putting a lot of effort into revision in his holidays is in the minority.

This probably wont make you feel better but you have to hand it over to him. Just say lm sure you know what youre doing ..lm here if you need any help and step back. In my experience a lot of boys only study when they see the point. They decide on a particular course and then they get going. At 14 my ds was all over the place but ....wait for it..by 17 he picked his university course put his foot to the floor and hasnt looked back. 14 is the most difficult age with boys but dont panic. He will mature and cop onto things himself.

You do sound like you're putting quite a bit of pressure on him and he's not even approaching GCSE's yet. Coming up with revision schedules for a 14 year old is a bit crazy to me and he's obviously really resenting it. Two of my cousins (siblings) dropped out of education completely aged 16 because their academic parents put so much pressure on them.

One if the big issues is organization and burying his head in the sand, so to speak.
My current GCSE pupils are a lovely group but I'm aware that some find organization extremely difficult- lost/ unfinished work accumulates and it snowballs.
Is it possible for him to see various teachers in school who can help him organize his revision? Does his school help to prepare them for assessments doing revision sessions etc.?
It is possible for it to be laziness but it can also be genuine anxiety about work and how to tackle it.