AIBU for not wanting this kind of attitude around my DD

[JessKM]

Long story I apologise in advance

• DH has taken DC's 1,2 and 4 camping for long weekend, DC 3 and me stay home due to some specific medical needs she has - we said we would do some nice things together anyway.

We're relatively new to this area and we're all starting to make a few friends, my daughter who is seven especially enjoys playing with the little girl across the street who is about her age too.

Yesterday her mum asked where my usual stampede of children was (she's an older mum with just one DC, and she's made a few comments in the past about how many children we have, I just let it slide as I'm happy!) I was explaining to her they were away with dad and she suggests that we take ourselves and our girls out for a nice girly dinner...I readily agreed! Sounded fabulous.

My kids are by no means Angels (this is the understatement of the century, sometimes they're the epitome of why some species eat their own young, especially the teenagers!) so I'm pretty laid back when it comes to behaviour management.

However, we're sitting in this lovely local Italian restaurant, and DDs friend is playing on her mums phone and completely ignoring DD...this isn't something we've ever allowed, we believe that phones at the table are a no-no but each to their own, food arrived and we all began eating, except friend, who is still on phone. This was beginning to irritate me a bit but wasn't my place so didn't say anything. After about ten minutes other mum asked
'Darling, put the phone away now and eat your pizza' to which this angelic, lovely little 7 year old
replied

'you can shove your pizza up your arse, I'm busy'

My daughter started to laugh and I told her that it's not funny we don't speak to adults that way, then realised other mum was laughing at her daughter - when I said this she turned to me and accused me of trying to 'parent her daughter' and maybe I should stick to my own 'over-populated crowd of children'. I have 4 by the way, I wouldn't refer to them as a crowd.

Cue awkward silence for rest of meal, when we left I politely thanked other mum and child and we left - when DH and rest of 'crowd' returned last night I mentioned to him that I'm now not fond of neighbours child and don't think DD should be spending too much time with her and he says I'm being precious!!! Am I????

I was a bit taken aback that he wasn't more outraged by this, I've said I would never choose my children's friends for them, but if this is the way this little girl usually speaks to her parents and her parents are fine with that, that's not how we're bringing up our kids!!

Am I really the unreasonable one here, I feel like DH would have reacted differently were he there, and I despair the day DD says something like that to him! What would you do in this situation???

OP, I had a larger crowd than you 😄
The Mother sounds slightly unhinged.
Disassociate.
Your family sounds lovely, bring on number five ! 🌸

Yanbu, obviously. There's nothing remotely precious about not wanting your young child to be around that kind of attitude.

On the other hand, can I just point out, as a parent of an only child who is in her mid-forties and who was in her relationship for over 20 years before she had her son (now five) that I think you (and others) are over-interpreting her age and the fact that she has an only child. Speaking for myself (as the eldest of four), I deliberately had an only child because growing up in a big family was such a miserable experience, and I can assure you that I am not 'jealous' of anyone with four children. The idea horrifies me, but unlike your neighbour, I would never say so, because I'm not a rude idiot, and how many children other people have is none of my business.

I mean, she sounds like a total pain in the ass and I wouldn't see her again in your shoes but I don't like the stereotype that's emerging on this thread of older parents of only children being jealous, spiteful and lax. My five year old is held to pretty high standards, and ironically, the rude expressions he's been pulled up over during Easter have all been parrotted from a cheeky older boy at this childminder who is the eldest of four.

My 8yo wouldn't be getting a meal out for about a decade if she says that!

I do want to speak up on the US accent though. Mine loves doing. Often I say "we are not on the West Coast my love" and she tones it down! She just enjoys it. She also does a cracking French and Spanish accent - because they are foreign languages this leads to praise in school reports rather than ticking off! Mostly... I just run with it. She's a kid, she enjoys doing it. She does watch the internet and we go to the cinema and watch films at home. Zero TV though, so don't assume it means constant TV!

It's almost enough to make you nostalgic for the days when language not half as rude would have earned a resounding slap, followed by going to bed with no tea. And no TV, obv., because there probably wasn't one anyway.

Agree on the stereotype of older parents of one child.
My one is IVF, I'm one of 6 myself and yesterday visited by brother who has 5. I walked away feeling relieved not remotely jealous!
I'd have loved it if life gave me 2 - but 5? No thank you!
Good luck with your TTC 5 though!

She also speaks in an annoyingly weird over the top American accent sometimes, which is totally unrelated but I find odd, given this is Yorkshire and she's Yorkshire born and bred - I can only assume tv/internet is to blame!!

This is unnecessarily mean. She's just a child. Her behaviour is not ideal so avoid if it's not what you want your child being around - but let it go at that

Sorry OP, I thought you meant the Mother, speaks in a fake American accent.
The child, well it's something children do, no harm there, whatsoever.

A pity that they live so close. Make sure DD sees a few other new friends, goes to an activity that Little Miss Mouth doesn't enjoy. Are they at school together? Hopefully they're not!

I'm an older mom - 45 with 8 year old DTDs. My two would never ever dare speak to anyone like that, and if they did, they be made to apologise on the spot, taken home immediately and grounded for the next 5 years only half joking. And they're absolutely not allowed any technology of any kind anywhere near a dinner table. If their friends visit their tablets get put away or the friend goes home.

That poor little girl is going to grow up being a spoilt, entitled brat. The worst part is that it's not her fault, but the mother's fault. I wish people could see what they do to their kids when they facilitate/allow behaviour like this. It's the child (and those around her) who will suffer the consequences.

Ellisandra - I had to laugh at that. My DTD2 tries almost constantly to speak in a Scottish accent. It's mostly amusing, and she's having fun .

About her making constant digs about the number of kids you have. . Could it be an envy thing. She does seem m way over invested.
You were not parenting her dd. You were telling your own dd not to laugh.
God help this child. Being brought up with no morals and manners. All these parents allergic to discipline will just have to learn the hard way.
Fuck her. Keep your distance. Let her get on with it. Like I said. Everyone learns in the end. Just some idiots choose the hard way for some reason.
However about the children, though. That is going to be trickier. With the best will and determination in the world. You can't stop children playing together

She might be the first one we tell. If we're successful.
please do not rub salt in the wounds. You're beyong lucky to have been blessed with 4 children.
Yes we know she's a cunt, but. But if she is envious of you. That would be cruel . Infertility or secondary infertility is heartbreaking enough. Without making people feel inferior.

Apologies for any digs about only children etc, I do believe it is a choice of theirs rather than an issue for them but never meant to upset anyone, some people are perfectly happy with one!

Luckily DD and this child aren't at same school, although I can't imagine she would behave like this in school! I'd like to hope it's just for her parents she puts on this show. So will be easier to keep them apart in that sense! Unfortunately when we moved here a lot of schools are over subscribed and DD and DS ended up in a school about 7 miles away so their school friends don't live locally, this little girl is the only one of a similar age in the vacinity that seems to 'play out' which is how they met, I wouldn't want to take that friendship away from DD as its nice to have someone locally - I'm just worried about the impact!!

With regards to clubs nearby unfortunately due to medical needs she can't join local brownies (she'd need a 1:1 assistant which I can't provide and neither can they) and she can't go swimming, don't really know what else there is locally for her to do!!

To add DD doesn't dislike this girl, she really really likes her, it's me with the problem haha

Jess, is it possible for you to assist your little girl at Brownies ?

Unfortunately not, we wouldn't have child care for other three (oldest could look after self but not other two) so I'd have to take them with me, DH works complicated shifts so couldn't be there for childcare every week. And we don't have family nearby to help out.

Dd1 offered to go along and assist her but they said no it had to be an adult which I understand as they have to cover themselves

Just Wow! How Rude!!

I have 5 DSs (the oldest is 17yo) and I can honestly say he nor any of his brothers have ever spoken to me or DH like that!
I know they can be a bit cheeky at times, but they absolutely would never be this rude and also they wouldn't like the consequences...

Some people are so rude to bigger families
not that I would call 4 DC a bigger family. Some of the digs and comments we got when our DSs were smaller were horrible, now they're older we don't get as many!!

TBH you're a better woman than me, I would have walked from the restaurant but only after giving her a piece of my mind on her comments about my family size.

Good luck with number 5, hope it happens soon for you

Thanks stars! I don't consider our family size really big either? I've known people with much bigger families and it works for us! We live within our means and don't complain so it's a bit hurtful to be criticised on it, especially when someone doesn't know you that well!!

5 boys must be a lot of fun but challenging too! We've got a funny age gap (eldest 14, youngest just turned 4) to entertain them all at the same time but they get on well mostly, if anything it's the two eldest girls who push it but that's part of their job description. If be gutted if any of my kids spoke like neighbours Dd

I have 5.
I would not tell a mother she was parenting my child though. Mine were once told off on a 3 hour train ride for talking loudly in "outdoor voices". I always just feel grateful the other person has told them off. It will do them good and they tend to pay more attention to strangers telling them off than parents. Takes a village to raise a child etc....

It was not as if you slapped their daughter and you only reacted to your child laughing at the swearing, not to the swearing itself so your comment to your child was perfectly in order. The child must have learned those words from someone. We would never say shove up arse in this family (we have bottoms for a start!)

yabu for implying that the mum acts like that because she is an older parent.

Yabu for not wanting to see her again. I am an older parent and would not tolerate my 6 year old to act or talk like that to me or anybody.

Well firstly, if the little girl speaks with an American accent, she would have said "You can shove your pizza up your ass"

I'm stretching for a mitigating explanation here - perhaps the little girl is special in an ASD kind of way, which is why the mother laughed along(?) I know I have learned to pick my battles with my son, but I still point out when he's rude.

But I'm afraid she lost me when she turned on you, OP. That was unnecessary AND rude!

I would look at this as a learning opportunity for your DD. Let her continue to see the other girl, but reinforce to your DD that the other girl's behaviour is unacceptable and anti-social and under no circumstances will it be tolerated in your house. Also, it might be good for the other girl to have exposure to a large family whose children are loved, but taught respect and good manners at the same time.

You never know, your family may help the other girl to develop into a nicer person.