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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New partner AIBU

43 replies

Acat123 · 17/04/2017 18:07

Cut a long story short, I'm a single mum to 3 teens, not on a great income and pretty skint
Been seeing someone for a few months now, he lives about an hour away and doesn't drive and I am spending a fortune on petrol to visit him
He has never taken me out for a nice meal, I regularly pay for take aways, lunches etc
He has suggested we move in together and split 50/50
He's on a good salary and has income from a property he owns
I will lose the tax credits and after paying everything will be left with £40 a month
I am starting to get the vibe that he is incredibly tight, but he's a really nice guy at the same time
Do I see how it goes or tell him it's over?

OP posts:

Vegansnake · 17/04/2017 18:54

Can he not get a bus or train to visit you? Has he met yr kids ,do they like him,he should be giving you petrol money

Original poster

Acat123 · 17/04/2017 18:56

YEs he does sometimes get the train to see me, then I drive quite a way to collect him

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 17/04/2017 18:59

If you feel you'd like to, sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that you notice that you are doing all the traveling AND all the paying. Tell him that a relationship should be 50/50 in both time and money and you feel he needs to step up. Then sit back and see what he says. Or how fast he runs!

As far as moving in with him, seriously don't. Not now. Why would you want to disrupt your teens and move in with someone who is so stingy. I'm sure he's seeing it as saving him money as I'm sure he sees it as you'll pay 50% of HH costs AND support your own children. I'm sure he doesn't see himself paying for anything for them, including food. And I expect that if the utility costs go up (as they will) he'll probably complain and say that you should pay more than 50% as 'your children' are 'using more power, water' etc. And I'll bet he'll expect you to do the great majority of housework, too as 'your children' are making 'the majority of the mess'.

Run.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2017 19:01

He saw you coming...

TimTamTerrier · 17/04/2017 19:01

A few months is very, very early to consider moving in together IMO. Am I right in thinking that that he suggested it and not you, I mean had it even crossed your mind before he said it? If he doesn't pay for stuff now, then he won't be going 50/50 with you if you live together, I would bet on it that you would end up doing and paying for all the grocery shopping and general household stuff.

Also, voice of experience here, don't shackle yourself to someone who doesn't drive and wants you to do all the running around. My H didn't learn to drive until I was on the verge of divorcing him (after about 22 years of marriage). For all that time he NEVER appreciated the effort that is involved in driving and would get very huffy if I didn't drop what I was doing to give him a lift somewhere or go and pick something up for him. (Before non-drivers have a go at me, I do know that there are lots of reasons that people don't drive and that most non-drivers are capable adults who can sort out their own transport arrangements. My H was not that sort of self-sufficient person, and neither is the OP's partner by the sound of it.)

MaisyPops · 17/04/2017 19:04

A couple of months is quick to move in.
BUT you equally should spell out the situation if you do move in e.g. how his income affects your tax credits. Would he be giving you the 'lost" money? Would it become joint income? Or is he expecting you yo pay 50/50 everything whilst losing out financially?

Id spell it out to him and take it from there if its something youre considering.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/04/2017 21:44

Only a few months in, he's already taking the piss and you are posting here about him. Do you have self-esteem issues?

Starlighter · 17/04/2017 21:50

Too much too soon. Slow down. You need to be 100% sure if you decide to live together. It's a huge step.

Please discuss the money issue with him. He might not be aware of how selfish he's being.

Mysterycat23 · 17/04/2017 21:54

You can do a lot better OP!

KC225 · 17/04/2017 22:19

If it's romance you're after he is not the one. He is not making an effort. In the early days he should be running after you, making you feel 'cherished' especially as a busy mum of three.

As the poster above says. You deserve better

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 17/04/2017 22:32

Why has he never taken you out for a meal?

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2017 22:36

How come you are so reliant on tax credits that it would only leave you with £40 a week if you lost them?

I thought that was the point of tax credits, that the worker doesn't have much left and so can claim tax credits?

Original poster

Acat123 · 17/04/2017 22:43

I don't have a huge salary and we have a private let which is expensive although our flat is tiny
The new rent would be almost double of which I would be paying half, then I have my car to run, mobiles to pay and half all the other bills. I just don't think it's going to be feasible

OP posts:

CompletelyConfusedMummy · 18/04/2017 07:04

Dump him! I speak from experience when I tell that you that if you do move in with him, you will most likely regret it.

Deven7 · 18/04/2017 07:30

Acat - This is all too soon. Do your children even want to move?
Also, most men would be going all out in these first few months. The fact he hasn't taken you on a proper date yet would be a real turn off as far as I'm concerned. Try and take a step back and look at this objectively. It's easy to turn a blind eye to behaviours you're not happy with because prople tend to believe what they want to believe. The fact is if he wanted to get himself over to you, he could, car or no car. Also he shouldn't be letting you pay, I'm sorry. He makes no effort but is asking you to uproot your DC's lives. This is crazy!

TheNaze73 · 18/04/2017 07:44

All too much, way too soon. Slow down

Daytona79 · 18/04/2017 07:46

I find stingy tight people a big No no

Personally I'd get rid of him

dingodon · 18/04/2017 07:47

Run like the wind!

Don't take time to explain any concerns if he was decent, caring etc etc you wouldn't need to talk to him.

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