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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not text friend

20 replies

CherryDrop24 · 17/04/2017 16:04

First time posting and emotions are very frayed at the moment so please be kind...... Or as kind as aibu can ever be!

I recently had my second child, a gorgeous little boy. At 2 weeks old the results of his heel prick test showed that he had cystic fibrosis and since then we have been to numerous hospital appointments with him and started him on treatments and physio, which will continue for the rest of his life.

Obviously finding this out was quite emotional and we told our friends and family, the majority of whom have been a fantastic source of support, but there are a few friends who other than an initial sorry to here that, have not been in touch or asked how baby is getting on, or even how we are coping. One friend in particular lives 5 minutes away from us and hasn't even been to visit the baby. The aibu is it's said friends birthday today and I can't quite bring myself to text them with a happy birthday. Aibu if I don't bother texting?

On the one hand, I know it's my kid, so my issues and they are under no obligations to visit or check in. On the other hand, if the shoe was on the other foot and a friend of 15 years found out that their child had been diagnosed with a serious condition I like to think I would show a bit more compassion.

I probably am being unreasonable, but my emotions are so frayed atm I just don't trust my judgement. Do I just need to get over myself and send them a gappy birthday message?

OP posts:

LadyPW · 17/04/2017 16:06

Send the message. You'll feel like you've done the right thing even if they don't...

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2017 16:06

No way would I send a message! I'm so sorry your child has CF - your friend is not a friend to you, though.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 17/04/2017 16:08

Of course not. And I'm sorry to hear about your little boy.

But I think you're going to find that different people have different reactions, and not all of them will be ones you like/want.

My DH got a cancer diagnosis and it was v noticeable that one really close friend (think... came over 3 - 4 times a week) disappeared until after he got the 'all clear'. Then she breezed back into our lives like she'd never been out.

But you're def not BU and you certainly don't have to send a text.

YouMeddlingKids · 17/04/2017 16:08

:-( sorry to hear about your ds's diagnosis, we've been through the same (with different conditions but similar implications). Like you some friends were fab and others weren't. However some that were there at the beginning have tailed off, and others have stepped up over time. If I were you I'd send a text, it only takes a minute and it's too soon to write the friendship off completely.

nosyupnorth · 17/04/2017 16:11

You could have sent them happy birthday in the time it took you to write this and then it's over and done with and you can stop thinking about it/them.

A ten second text is a lot easier than a visit or support, it would nice for them to do that but they might have their own stuff going on or not understand that you would expect their involvement right now.

Better to send the text and worst case scenario things don't pan out between you later than to snub their birthday over what might just be a simple misunderstanding.

peachgreen · 17/04/2017 16:11

Send the message, and then at a later date, tell your friend how you've been feeling. Or better yet, invite her over and do it in person. It could be that she thinks you've got so much on your plate, a visit would just be a bother. Or it could be that she feels awful and just doesn't know what to say. Or it could be that she's a terrible friend. You'll not know until you ask! But today, send a wee message wishing her a happy birthday. You'll feel better having done it.

Hope your son is doing well.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 17/04/2017 16:12

Congratulations on the birth of your little boy

I'm very sorry to hear about his diagnosis.

It's times like these that you realise who your real friends are and who the fairweather friends are.

It's often a surprise which is which.

You need your energy for your little boy, don't waste it on people who don't bother with you, keep it for those who actually care.

geddes · 17/04/2017 16:16

I'm really sorry to hear about the CF diagnosis.

I'm going to go the other way and say that it's possible that your friend is struggling herself right now. I realise that there is not much that would 'top' CF but when things are hard, they're hard. It could also be that she doesn't want to tell you that she's not doing well as she feels you've got quite enough on your plate right now.

Of course I have no way of knowing but that's my take on it. I would send the text. Even if I'm wrong you've still taken the high road.

Stay strong and best wishes to your little DS.

Original poster

CherryDrop24 · 17/04/2017 16:18

Thanks for the replies so far. My gut Instinct is be the bigger person and send the text, like you say its early doors and they may step up over time. It's just hard not to feel let down and want to act on it what to a lot probably seems like a pathetic manner.

And sending them the text would have been a lot quicker then writing this post, but sometimes you just need to rant somewhere.

OP posts:

Original poster

CherryDrop24 · 17/04/2017 16:29

I think I will send a basic happy birthday text and then give things a bit of time and see how things progress.

Maybe when emotions are a little less raw we could have a chat about it, but they way I feel right now I think it would only end badly.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/04/2017 16:46

Congratulations on the birth of your gorgeous little boy 💐 I'm really so very sorry to hear about his CF Dx though, that's really upsetting.

I understand how you feel about your friend & not wanting to wish her a happy birthday & I'm really sorry you're hurting.

Maybe she just doesn't know what to do or say for the best & is scared of getting it wrong, or maybe she feels she doesn't want to intrude at a difficult time. Unfortunately you're going to find out who your true friends are and aren't - it certainly separates the wheat from the chaff. You'll lose some 'friends' and you'll get support from some unexpected people. Other friends just need time to work out how to be there for you. It's a long road, give her time.

For now just a simple 'Happy Birthday, I hope you are having a nice day 💐' is all you need to do, to get this off your mind.

If you value this friendship, then when you are in the mood fir some company just text her & say something like 'Hi, it would be lovely to see you. Have you got time to come around for a coffee today or lunch tomorrow?' Something very casual and see how it goes.

I know everyone should be making the effort for you, but some people just need an 'in'.

Fairyliz · 17/04/2017 16:47

So you have recently had your second child. I would have assumed you would be really busy/exhausted without the health complications?
Could it be possible that she is giving you time to get use to your 'new' family before she visit?
I know I am an introvert but I hated people just popping in especially when I had two little children and was tired out.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/04/2017 16:48

Personally, I don't see any value in having a chat about it'. No good can come of that unless it is instigated by her in the future.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 17/04/2017 16:54

Some people just cant deal with death, or illness, or have the emotional resources to support others, often due to past experiences. .

Original poster

CherryDrop24 · 17/04/2017 17:05

I completely get what everyone is saying about maybe not knowing what to say, or needing an in or not wanting to intrude. All explanations I have considered but at the risk of drip feeding, this particular friend has form for being a bit self involved so I guess I have come to expect the worse from them and I have forgiven things in the past, but this feels deeper to me atm.

I suppose, I just think how I would behave in certain situations, but I am learning you can't hold other people to your ow standards. I should clarify aswell, I don't expect anything from friends, everyone has their own lives and issues, I guess it would just be nice to feel like they care.

For now, I'm going to chose to assume they just don't know what to say, and just wait and see what happens I the future. I'm going to concentrate on my own little family and not get so worked up by things outside of that.

I think it's just when your already in an emotional state molehills become mountains.

OP posts:

Fairylightsandwine · 17/04/2017 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piefacedClique · 18/04/2017 08:56

Congratulations on your little boy. All those emotions and now this on top.

Send the text and wish her happy birthday..... I agree maybe she is trying to give you space and/or isn't sure what to say/do. if she's self involved she probably won't even realised she's been absent!

wish her a happy birthday and invite her round for a glass of bubbles to celebrate the new baby. Tell her you are keen to catch up with some normal life as it's been manic and all baby baby baby. Tell her that the news has really floored you guys but that you would love to catch up.

If she's still stand offish then she's not worth it and cut her dead but at least you will have tried.

DuoTwo · 18/04/2017 09:22

Congrats on your baby

I'd also send the text. How long since you have had the diagnosis? I think she could just think that you are busy? I know there is nothing stopping her sending a few texts or something but it doesn't mean she doesn't care iyswim (maybe she doesn't but you can't know that from her not being in touch )

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/04/2017 09:29

You do have obligations to your friends, though, and. She has broken that obligation, so. Why you text saying. Happy Birthday. However does that automatically make her a monster. My instincts tell me perhaps not. It could be on of those situations, where. She doesn't know what to say.
((((((((((((()))))))))))))))). Love to you all

MatildaTheCat · 18/04/2017 10:15

I would leave it until evening and send 'Happy birthday.x'

She's not been a good friend to you and frankly, right now you need a strong team around you not weedy folks who feel too upset to contact you or 'don't know what to say.'

I lost friends after a life changing injury and also made some much better ones. Ver, very best wishes to you and your lovely family.

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