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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To no longer buy presents for this family

42 replies

Mummabearof2 · 17/04/2017 13:24

Genuinely not sure what to do, if anything, in this situation. I am torn and keep changing my mind as to whether i would be unreasonable or not.

My DD didn't receive a birthday card from BIL/SIL. It was her 1st birthday. It has been hit and miss in the past as to whether or not my DS has received anything. We always send cards and presents to BIL/SIL's children. Now my eldest is of an age where he likes to help me choose presents for people, he is starting to notice when nothing is reciprocated - his birthday is within a few days of one of his cousins.

I am getting slightly annoyed by my children not even receiving birthday wishes via text let alone a card or present. We are never thanked for the presents we send. However, I am also fully aware that we don't give to receive and it is not the children's fault their parents don't seem to bother with ours (for clarity - the relationship between us and BIL/SIL is strained although when the cousins do get together it doesn't cloud the children's time together, we just don't see/speak outside of this time). In case I sound greedy, I really do not expect presents at all but would appreciate a card for them just to recognise that their family wish them well on their birthday.

So, AIBU to just send cards from now on and not presents? Or should I continue with presents regardless and let it go!

OP posts:

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 17/04/2017 14:29

It strikes me that their non acknowledgement/reciprocation could be their way of hinting that they want you to stop. A bit clunky but easier than suggesting it outright to you.

So I should just sent not even a card in the future and still claim the highground. Seriously! You have given this enough headspace and it WON'T be tit for tattery.

coconutpie · 17/04/2017 14:32

I wouldn't even bother with a card.

Chloe84 · 17/04/2017 14:32

pyong good on yer mum!

dalek · 17/04/2017 14:33

Similar situation here I have 1, they have 2. I always sent cards and presses. Hit and miss as to whether DD received anything. Last year big birthday for DD - nothing - not even a text. Can't be arsed. Will do Christmas as we always see them but that's all. It's DH's sister - I told him to ask what his DN would like - he never got round to it. I'm not chasing.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2017 14:34

Card only, no gifts.

AmysTiara · 17/04/2017 14:34

Stop the gifts.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 17/04/2017 14:40

I'd just send a card. If they are your DH's family he can deal with that. If they say anything just reply that they never acknowledge your DC's birthdays so you thought they didn't want to do the whole card and present thing. If they say they do, then make sure they know when your DC's birthdays are.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 17/04/2017 14:41

Not me personally but my mum. She got very pissed off at sending nice gifts to my cousins and getting no acknowledgement or cards etc for me and my sister so she stopped. My aunt hit the roof and called my mum selfish and how could she do that to the kids etc.

See this puts me in mind of the threads on here recently where people who (rightly) jib at splitting the bill because they have consumed far less are called tight by those who have over consumed. Seems some families can be as tight as arseholes when it comes to giving stuff but woe betide anyone who does the same to them (which rather negates the advice I gave to OP a few posts ago but I stand by it anyway!!)

Daffydil · 17/04/2017 14:44

We are in a very similar position. DHs brother, BiL speraywd from his wife before we had children. They had two. Relations broke down and children were estranged from their father. We made sure to always always always remember them at birthdays and Christmas, we were the only ones on this side of the family with any contact.

BiL married new wife with two children. We added them to the Christmas and birthday list. Always make sure we remember them too.

Had our first child. He usually gets remembered by BiL. Never had a thing for him from ex-wife (mother of the children we make sure we remember). DD was 1 last month. Not so much as a card from any of them.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 17/04/2017 14:56

I wouldn't bother with cards either. Why should you go to the trouble of choosing, buying, and posting a card if they can't be arsed to reciprocate, or even send a text?

Nquartz · 17/04/2017 15:21

Personally I'd stop giving presents not because they don't send any but because they are too rude to even acknowledge that you've sent them.

NabobsFromNobHill · 17/04/2017 15:24

Why would you send a birthday card to a baby who can't read and has no concept of what a birthday is? What a pointless exercise that would be.

If you want to send your neices and nephews gifts do that, if you don't, don't do it. No dilemma.

Original poster

Mummabearof2 · 17/04/2017 15:57

Thanks all, I feel so much better now about making the decision. Despite not getting on with their parents, our nephews and nieces are still our family which is why I've carried on until now. I've wanted them to know we care about them and want to wish them a happy birthday. However, I don't want to do that at the expense of my children's feelings and whilst I have thought it is a good lesson to my children about not giving to receive, I don't want to deal with their disappointment when they have excitedly written a card and chosen a present for their cousins but a few days later don't get any wishes back for their birthday. Yes I could leave it to DH seeing as it's his family but I sometimes think I need to remind him of his own children's birthdays let alone his nieces and nephews!

I feel happier moving towards just cards and feel so much better reading your replies - I still want to wish them well on their birthdays but no presents us much more low key.

Thanks all!

OP posts:

8misskitty8 · 17/04/2017 16:08

Send a card.
If they mention lack of gift then tell them that since your children don't receive a gift from them you assumed that no gifts was the rule now.

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2017 16:11

I don't think children are bothered about cards if there's no present, are they?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/04/2017 16:18

TBH I would just leave it completely. Kids often aren't really bothered about cards so it just becomes a waste of time. I'm often on the other side of this equation, I'm rubbish at remembering birthdays and although we obviously make a fuss for those in the immediate family (i.e. living in this house) I often forget my niece's and nephews' birthdays. If this caused a big stress and upset to my siblings/in-laws then I'd really prefer they just didn't bother sending my DCs them either. My DCs actually aren't too fussed (especially if it means having to write a thank you letter, which they always do) Birthdays and 'getting stuff' are obviously massively important to some people and not to others, try not to take it personally.

cosytoaster · 17/04/2017 17:08

I don't get all this not giving to receive shit - in normal families you either buy for each other or you don't. If they don't I'd stop too ... end of & no guilt.

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