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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my friend would have something positive to say for a change!

25 replies

moodiemargaret · 16/04/2017 10:39

My friend is a lovely sweet person but sometimes I really want to scream at her to lighten the fuck up!

She isn't to my knowledge depressed or anxious but she does seem to live in this ever-present cloud of negativity and I do laugh about it but I also find it draining. We both had babies within a few weeks of one another in summer 2015 and we both had difficult pregnancies.

All she spoke about was feeling sick, was being fed up of people commenting on the bump, asking if it was a boy or girl, asking if they had chosen any names. I remember that I did feel a bit irritated that she complained she had 'done nothing' for her birthday because she felt too ill - they'd had a week in the Lake District It got to the stage when I was scared to mention anything about her pregnancy but I was really suffering myself.

They were moving house and it was endless complaints that no one was buying it, etc., even though it was a two bed house and would have been adequate for them and a baby. Then it sold and after the elation they could move, the complaints started AGAIN - the new house was too isolated, the garden too big, on and on and on.

Since the baby arrived, she's a brilliant mum, adores her little DD, but the complaints continue. Work is a major one - she hates her job but felt she couldn't leave because of maternity pay (she wanted a second) I understood this but then it was whinge, moan, I'm never going to have a second baby I am sure I'm infertile. She tried for 2 months and got pregnant. I honestly thought she'd be thrilled but she's complaining AGAIN the gap between her and DD1 will be too small, she feels sick, everyone will go on about the bump, she won't be able to go on holiday (!)

I feel like screaming. I am partly saying this affectionately and I know we all have problems but HOW can someone with loving and involved parents and in laws, a happy, healthy child, a loving husband, a secure albeit stressful job, a happy background (she's done travelling for instance I can only dream of!) and a lovely home be SO FUCKING MISERABLE ALL OF THE TIME???

And I KNOW I sound like a spoilt bitch but because she constantly complains about her life mine doesn't get a look in

OP posts:

ChicRock · 16/04/2017 10:50

YANBU.

Some people are just like this - my SIL being one of them, she's like a little black cloud at any gathering we have. To an outsider she has a fantastic life.

It's totally her mindset that is the whole problem with her life. She can't see the positive in anything. When it's that ingrained in someone it must surely require a conscious effort to change it, which I don't think she wants to do.

I just avoid her company as much as possible these days.

Original poster

moodiemargaret · 16/04/2017 10:52

The sad thing is, I don't even think my friend is unhappy. It's just that it doesn't seem to occur to her to share the good feelings as well as the bad.

OP posts:

soapboxqueen · 16/04/2017 10:54

Some people are just like that though. Everything is a saga. Everything that can go wrong does go wrong.

Don't think there is anything you can do about it.

SnowBallsAreHere · 16/04/2017 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentCooper · 16/04/2017 10:55

I work with a guy like this. He's not nasty but he's negative about everything. Everyone is apparently getting at him, leaving him out on purpose, his students are all lazy and spoiled, Paris is too dear and full of people giving him dirty looks.

Any conversation with him is grim. I do actually suffer from MH issues (anxiety disorder) and can feel very low at times but I don't dump on everything and everyone, so it's not a defining characteristic of somebody who has anxiety or depression.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 16/04/2017 10:56

She sounds draining.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 16/04/2017 10:57

Posted too soon - was going to say I would avoid her. She's not going to change.

Original poster

moodiemargaret · 16/04/2017 10:58

She's not really like that though Agent, she doesn't complain about other people. It's more that she will focus disproportionately on anything negative even in a backdrop of lovely things. So if she won an all exclusive holiday to Italy if you asked her about it you'd just hear how unbearably hot it was!

OP posts:

FluffyEwok · 16/04/2017 11:01

I distanced myself from a friend like this. I feel bad but my life is better I used to dread seeing her.

Original poster

moodiemargaret · 16/04/2017 11:04

Aw see I don't - I'm very fond of her and she can be very funny but I am DREADING this pregnancy! I mean, don't get me wrong I loathe pregnancy with every fibre of my being and I shall never go through it again BUT there is a limit with how much you can take.

OP posts:

Dizzy199 · 16/04/2017 11:06

She sounds a bloody nightmare!

Is she looking for reassurace do you think? Like 'oh god the kids are going to be so close together, i won't cope' and wants you to say 'no it'll be fine, [insert various reasons here]' so she stops quietly panicking?

If she's just being me me me then give up - she's not going to give a monkey's if you need her help, and life's too short for 'mates' like that.

SheldonsSpot · 16/04/2017 11:06

People are generally either radiators or vacuums.

Your friend would suck the fucking life out of me!

EssentialHummus · 16/04/2017 11:08

My mum is like this. It's terrible. In some cases I think it is a MH thing. In others I think the person may think "well everyone likes a good moan" and so that's their default way of communicating. In yet others I think they unconsciously worry that others will envy them their good fortune and so they play it down in a "nothing to see here" kind of way.

(I'd add, there are some people who are just bloody ungrateful for their lot.)

I'd avoid/minimise contact to what suits you. But don't try to argue them round - "oh, but you had a lovely week in the Lakes!" It won't work

Lesley1980 · 16/04/2017 11:14

I have a friend like this & ive just slowly cut back & now we hardly speak. She was negative about everything & it was draining. Most problems had easy solutions but she preferred to be the victim. She doesn't actually have a hard life & has lots of support at home from a husband that works full time as well as childcare,housework & cooking. She is very kind & thoughtful & has other qualities but unfortunately they are hidden under he cloud of doom & most people now avoid her.

I think unless the people change then just avoid them.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 16/04/2017 11:17

Some people just really enjoy complaining and the sympathy it garners - do not engage. Avoid her!

OfficerVanHalen · 16/04/2017 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

moodiemargaret · 16/04/2017 11:29

You are right Essential! DH always says that

I do think I get the worst of it, though. Or perhaps I don't. She has friends and has never been short of boyfriends and I can't believe that anyone so permanently grumpy can be also popular!

OP posts:

TheStoic · 16/04/2017 11:38

I was married to someone like that, until I decided life was too short.

user1471451259 · 16/04/2017 12:31

I'm by nature quite negative even though I'm not actually miserable or depressed. I just see it as acknowledging the bad points in ant situation before enjoying the good. It took a good friend many years ago who pointed out how - unintentionally - much of a whinger I was.

I now make a point of never whinging and it's probably quite second nature now. Sadly DS1 seems to have inherited this trait and I recognise how draining it is.

My advice would be to tell her how negative she's being.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 16/04/2017 12:46

I have a friend who is the complete opposite and that's quite annoying too. You could be bleeding out your eyeballs and she would point out that at least you have legs. Or your whole family could drop dead and she'd say "well look on the bright side, at least you x y or z"

SheldonsSpot · 16/04/2017 12:52

Would you consider gently pointing it out to her? Sounds like you're getting near to the point where you might start consider backing off from the friendship a bit, so perhaps there's nothing to lose?

Or you could just start calling her Eeyore and see if she takes the hint.

emmyrose2000 · 17/04/2017 01:42

This woman is self absorbed more than anything. Whenever I've come across people like this - all 'me, me, me, me' - I've dropped them out of my life. Life's too short to waste on people like this. It doesn't matter whether they're talking about something good, bad, or in between, the constant self obsession is repulsive.

Gaggleofgirls · 17/04/2017 01:52

I'm probably a bit like this....need a good shake 😂
It's actually only been since realising how bloody negative DH is that it's got on my wick and I've realised I am too (although not as much 😵!)

I'm not sure how to get round it? I'm trying to bottle everything up but it's quite nice to get a positive persons spin on whatever to realise how stupid or not I'm being.

Hope I'm not slowly driving my friends crazy/away!!!

picklemepopcorn · 17/04/2017 07:09

It's partly learned behaviour. Maybe a bit of anxiety, too?

She doesn't need you to tell her good stuff though, make her tell you good stuff. So when she moans about the holiday, say "So I've heard all the grumbles, what was good about it it?" If you keep redirecting her, she might start to get the idea! When you meet up, say "I'm really fed up at the moment- tell me something happy!"

CigarsofthePharoahs · 17/04/2017 08:39

DH has a friend like this.
Its all a stream of constant negative negative woe is me negative.
I won't have anything to do with him any more. My own mental health is poor, and I want to keep my energy for my children, not be brought down by dhs miserable mate.
There's quite a lot he could have done over the years to make life less miserable, but he never would. People have offered to help, but if it involves him having to do anything he just won't. I think he's got so used to being a victim of his own misery he doesn't know how to be anything else.

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