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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Birthday Money

23 replies

NameChanger1878 · 15/04/2017 13:40

NC as this is may be identifying!

Just had a little argument with DP regarding my brothers birthday! First point is that we don't have 'mine' and 'his' money, we see our money as a collective.

I had a message from my DF this morning asking if I had got anything for my DB's 18th birthday yet, I said no, I have no idea what to get him. DF says that DB would like money towards a tattoo. Fantastic! Quick and easy! DF asks how much am I thinking of giving as they were going to look at tattoos today and trying to work out DB's budget.

So, I turn and ask DP how much we should give DB? First he says, 'he's 18 and earning, nothing, well maybe a tenner'. He's a bit arsey!

I was a bit I know DP is tight but that seems mean! I get annoyed and tell him that we have his DB a pair of £30 headphones for his bday (his 20th) and gave his other DB £40 for his 23rd bday! Why can't I give my DB the same?

He starts muttering about how we're trying to save for a wedding! (We've got £6000 already and not skint but not rolling in it either).

I leave the room because I'm annoyed and don't want to start arguing. I've told my DF I'll give £40 as it's his 18th.

WIBU?

OP posts:

Lovewineandchocs · 15/04/2017 13:43

No YANBU it can't be one rule for his brothers and another for yours! Give £40, he'll get over it! Is he always like this?

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2017 13:43

YANBU. Does your partner not like your brother or something?

CurlyBlueberry · 15/04/2017 13:43

Wow it seems like he has one rule for his family and another for yours. If he's happy to spend up to £40 for his DB's non-special birthdays I can't see why you can't give your DB £40 for his milestone birthday! Or possibly more!

That said we do have one rule for his family and another for mine but that's because for his, everyone tends to spend around £30 for a sibling/sibling-in-law's birthday and in mine, my brother and I just do little token gifts.

Babyroobs · 15/04/2017 13:45

Yanbu. It's your db's 18th !! I would give at least £30- £40 if you can afford it especially as it saves you having to spend time traipsing round looking for gifts.

harderandharder2breathe · 15/04/2017 13:46

Yanbu, it's his 18th! You've given more to his brothers for less significant birthdays.

MatildaTheCat · 15/04/2017 13:46

I would be worried that you need to ask your dp how much you can give. It's up to you how you spend your money. His own gifting seems a bit hot and miss but he seems to place a lower value on your family than his own.

He's more than a bit arsey. When's the wedding?

Original poster

NameChanger1878 · 15/04/2017 13:49

Thanks everyone. I don't need to ask permission but we do always discuss with each before we spend money on non essentials. It's just what we do!

DP hates spending ANY money! Even on his brothers. But we still did so I think there's nothing wrong with doing the same for mine if we can afford to.

Wedding is next summer

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 15/04/2017 13:58

For my brother's birthday I would have decided what I was giving and told my partner, not asked for his approval.

MatildaTheCat · 15/04/2017 14:11

Meanness is horrible. Do you have plans to have DC? Be careful about becoming financially reliant on a mean man. There was a thread on here last week by a woman who had about £2 and no access to any other cash.

happypoobum · 15/04/2017 14:14

Are you sure you want to marry someone this mean?

Ime people who are mean with money are mean in other ways.........

Original poster

NameChanger1878 · 15/04/2017 14:16

Don't worry DP is an amazing man, we've been together nearly 4 years and have a DD. I don't need to ask his permission at all, we discuss it as he would with me. I have access to all our money as well as DP and the £6000 is actually in my savings account.

I'm not worried about DP what so ever.

OP posts:

problembottom · 15/04/2017 14:27

Someone who suggests giving NOTHING for a brother's 18th birthday is incredibly tight. I wouldn't want to be with someone so mean, what a miserable life you'd lead!

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2017 14:28

That sounds fine. And if you really want to make a point that it's a significant birthday, give £50 and £30/40 thereafter. It can't be one rule for one side and another for the other side. Even though you're all adults, do you all continue to buy birthday/Christmas presents for eachother? My brother is too lazy and tight, his wife is horrible so I stopped years ago when presents weren't reciprocated. I would definitely give for 18 as it is a significant birthday.

EweAreHere · 15/04/2017 14:42

So he gave £70 to his side and he wanted to give nothing or only £10 to yours?

It's another way of looking at it... I'd wait until things were quiet and calm and then raise the issue about his attitude towards spending generally. It's your money, too.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/04/2017 14:45

It's the little things that can be the most telling, OP.

Yes, you have access and yes, you'll end up giving your brother what you feel is right. But living with someone and having to hear them whine or complain or having to argue/justify every time you want to spend money on your family (or yourself) wears you down over time. And I guarantee you it will get worse once you marry.

I'm not saying you shouldn't marry him. I'm just saying think carefully about his behaviour around money. Then the two of you need to have an open and honest discussion about your attitudes towards it.

In my marriage I tend to be the 'penny pincher' except that I tend to 'pinch' both of our pennies! DH is much more liberal when it comes to spending. It's caused some problems in our past, both by my being afraid to spend on things we really want or need and his wanting to buy things that are too extravagant for our budget. This is something that you both need to find a meeting of the minds about.

haveacupoftea · 15/04/2017 14:45

Red flag! He sounds like a stingy arsehole.

RedheadLover · 15/04/2017 14:47

YANBU. £10 for your brother's 18th

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 15/04/2017 14:50

Namechanger, your latest post -

I'm not worried about DP what so ever.

...seems to somewhat contradict your OP where you said you had to leave the room.

What's the real problem here (if there is one)?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 15/04/2017 14:52

Out of curiosity - are we missing a vital piece of information? Does your brother have form for being lazy? work shy? a bit of ponce borrower?

Bigblug · 15/04/2017 14:55

My dp is like this. He hates spending money, at all. We have a £20 limit for birthdays unless they're special, and even then we argue over which ones are special, for example he doesn't think a 21st birthday is significant. What fucks me off about that is I'm the sole earner in our house, so the 'well it's my money' argument comes up. Every bloody time. So now, if I want to spend extra on a birthday, I work an extra shift to be able to afford it.

Flossimodo · 15/04/2017 15:08

I'd be a bit reticent about giving an 18 year old money for a tattoo. (Misses point)

HotelEuphoria · 15/04/2017 15:16

Well since its a special birthday and you have full access to accounts I would have given him £50 and told your DP if he asked afterwards.

Original poster

NameChanger1878 · 15/04/2017 17:30

Hi everyone! No vital piece of info missing and I left the room so that I didn't start shouting.

Anyway, DP has apologised for this morning and admitted to being grumpy and that he wasn't thinking properly because he'd just woke up. He's brought me a cup of tea and some chocolate!

I'm glad I wasn't BU

OP posts:

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