To lose trust

[blubberball]

My ds is 5, and can be a bit of a handful. He has sn, disabilities, and is more like a 3 year old really. He is still in pull ups, and still throws a lot of tantrums etc. His behaviour has been particularly challenging during these school holidays. He's out of routine, and has been receiving many toys and treats from wider family who mean well, but it's been a bit like Christmas 2, extended over 2 weeks. But anyway, yesterday I was in another room, and my ds was with his aunt, uncle, cousin and my dm. I over heard them saying no about something, and then saw my dm carrying ds to a time out. I couldn't get there straight away, as I was getting changed. I asked my dm what had happened, and she said he was doing something naughty, they told him to stop, he didn't listen, and as she carried him to time out, he hit her and bit her. I asked if she was ok, and she said Yes, it didn't hurt. My sil said Sorry about that, but they had told him to stop. I said that it was ok. This was nothing unusual for ds, except that later on, ds told me that nanny had smacked him. There was no mark on him, but then I understood what sil meant when she'd said Sorry about that. I wanted to ask my dm later what had happened, but I never got the chance to speak to her alone, as I didn't want to ask in front of everyone. But we don't smack, I've never smacked my dc, and she knows this. It's also the fact that she didn't tell me, but I found out from ds. I now don't feel able to trust her, and will no longer leave my dc alone with her. I feel sad and betrayed at the moment. Am I over reacting?

If you feel your can trust what your DS has told you three yanbu. Smacking is abusive and obviously unacceptable. Before reacting though, you do need to make sure you have the correct version of events.

Did she actually smack him or is your DS lying?

Ffs I meant 'if you feel you can trust what your DS has told you then yanbu'. I hate typing on this app sometimes.

Yes, thanks. I will ask later. I did ask some other family members discreetly if they saw what happened, but they said that they didn't see anything.

It is particularly unhelpful, as ds often gets into trouble for hitting out at school, and of course we strive to model the fact that we don't hit other people. So, for an adult to smack him is obviously sending out the wrong messages to him. Hey, adults hit when they're not happy about something, so I can do the same. Not good.

Obviously I wasn't there, so I can't be sure. He's never lied before. I'm not sure that he knows how to lie with his sn tbh. I believe him, as dm used to smack me and my siblings growing up. I just thought that times had changed, and we had moved on.

Hmm my sister's nephew has autism and aspergers and doctors told his parents he couldn't lie, but he still manages. I think you should do some digging around first before accusing anyone.

I will, but I do believe him. Doctors haven't told me that he can't lie, but he just never has. Even when it gets him in trouble to tell the truth. His speech and vocabulary are limited any way.

YANBU to want to find out exactly what happened but YABU to take what your DS said as gospel truth without any proof.

It could be that he is telling the truth but equally, he might not be lying, just not understanding what happened - eg he said he was smacked (which implies that he was hit as punishment for his behaviour) but what actually happened was that in the course of his hitting/biting your DM, she may have smacked a hand away/made physical contact as part of restraining him from his behaviour ... but he may not be able to differentiate/articulate that.

I remember once my DD thought I had smacked her when I hadn't. We were out in the park and there had been loads of bugs around - in summer in Spain they're everywhere so you get used to just slapping them off when they land on you. DD had been off playing with friends and I was reading my book, so when I felt a weird tickle on my arm, I reflexively flicked my hand to get rid of whatever bugs had landed on me without looking up from my book ... turned out it wasn't a fly but DD (who I hadn't heard come back) touching my arm, and when I flicked my hand I caught hers.

I would not have classed that as a smack but she wasn't old enough to differentiate between me making physical contact intentionally and reflexively.

Thanks Melj. I would hope that it was something like that, but ds showed me that it was a slap on the back of the legs. I will clarify, but I just feel as though I can't trust anyone any more. It may have been a reflex/instinctive move. She used to smack us as I say. Obviously she hasn't beaten him black and blue, but she has confused him, and I just feel that a line has been crossed with no going back. I will get her side of the story though.