AIBU to feel so bitter about my lack of social life?

[Bitternamechange]

Spent 20 minutes typing this post only to delete it as it was so long and 'woe is me' that I was ashamed even reading it back.

So, the summarised version:

I already know I'm BU. My child is my child an no one else's (her father left us when she was a few days old and has made no contact since, 10 years later).

I've had two nights out in the past 10 years. I haven't had sex in 6 years (last time was a drunken one night stand on one of my rare nights out). I have never had a relationship except that horrible excuse for one with my child's father. I haven't dated anyone. All because of lack of willing babysitters. My daughter is with me all the time. I have no evening/weekend childcare at all.

My child has ASD and, while bloody amazing, can be a bit of a handful. My parents told me when i was pregnant not to expect them to be babysitters. They said I should bear that in mind while debating whether or not to go ahead with the pregnancy. They made clear they'd done their time staying home to look after their kids, and now they wanted to enjoy themselves/travel/ be spontaneous before they got too old. They haven't budged on this in the past 10 years.

I had my daughter very young (late teens). I've lost all of my friends due to not being able to socialise with them without my daughter in tow. None of my old close friends have kids of their own. So we became completely different people with different priorities.

I see on Facebook old school acquaintances who were also young mothers. I've seen their statuses about how their kids have gone off to stay with Grandma for the night/weekend and the follow up photos of them out enjoying themselves with friends. I've seen most of them posting about the early stages of the new relationships they've been able to embark on because their parents are minding their children. Three of these people are now happily married to their new partners. I am really happy for them, but also so bitter.

My 20s are nearly over. And they've been pretty shit and lonely. If i had better childcare or more supportive parents, maybe i could have gone on dates and would be happily married right now?

It's all come to a head this week. Easter holidays. I'm in my last year of uni/ Tons of assignments due over the next few weeks that I'm really behind on. I've been able to put my daughter into a special holiday club that caters to her ASD for a maximum of one full day last week and again this week. This is as far as my uni childcare grant will stretch.

I'm really upset and angry that i am struggling to do this work around my daughter while i have able-bodied friends, parents, siblings who are posting on FB about what lovely leisurely days they're having just doing nothing. I want them to ask if i need any help. If they can mind DD so i can concentrate and not type nonsense and then have to go back and rewrite it all later when she eventually goes to sleep.

And i know how unreasonable this is. I really do. And this is why i've name changed so i can rant anonymously.

I have almost finished a professional degree. I am so close to finally achieving something that will give us a better future and i'm worried sick it's all going to go to pot because I'm struggling to meet these assignment deadlines.

I'm also so angry that, even after i get a better job with this degree and can move us to a better area, my social life predicament won't change at all. This is going to be my life for how long? When will i ever be able to make friends and maybe start dating? DD has no friends. She's never been on a playdate. And no one has ever accepted invitations to come round ours (probably a lot to do with the crappy area we live in, to be fair). No one will watch her. She goes to wrap around care with a breakfast and after school club who are trained in ASD. My uni helps pay for this.

But to pay for such care over an evening or weekend would be way out of my budget. Which is why i never get out.

Some blessings are my daughter and I are best friends. She always calls me her bestie. But i suppose that's not exactly healthy, is it? Only having each other for friends?

God, this summary has turned out even longer than my last post. I'm feeling better already just getting it out in writing though.

I just keep hearing my parents' echo in my head whenever i moan about my non-existent social life: "You should have thought about this before you got pregnant".

It just saddens me that i'll be mid-30's by the time my daughter is legally an adult. And this may be when i can get my social life back on track. Or maybe not. I have no idea how independent she'll be by then. So maybe this is me for the rest of my days.

I just feel that I've never had the chance to be young. And i am beginning to feel so bloody resentful about it. I need to find a way to accept that this is my life. I won't always be studying/working Mon-Fri 9-5 (or will i?) so maybe in the future i could arrange 'social stuff' on the odd hour while dd is at school or something. But i'd really just love a good night out. I want to get dressed up and get drunk. And laugh and dance. But there is just no way for me to do that unless i take DD with me!

Small steps. I'm going to focus on passing this year. Getting a great job. Moving house and school. Starting fresh. And then work harder to improve our sorry excuse of a social life.

Thanks for reading. I'm honestly not looking for any advice or sympathy. Maybe just if other people are in the same boat? I already know I'm being unreasonable, so this is very much a rhetoric post (and a bit of procrastination from having to go back and rewrite the 2000 words of my assignment I messed up on earlier).

*Lucielucie-
Your life sounds incredibly tough and challenging BUT it's a choice you made when you decided to continue a pregnancy with no support.

Choices are there for a reason.*

Your post is probably the most unhelpful and unsupportive comment I've seen on here. Why would you bother commenting at all?

I'll post tomorrow. Be strong tonight. Its not all doom and gloom but I totally get that it is now. X

Op you sound like an brilliant mum, your dd is very lucky to have you.
My dd 12 also has asd if you are anywhere near Liverpool pm me.

Another one who thinks you sound amazing. I say this as a uni lecturer and I know how demanding degrees are for the footloose and fancy free, nevermind for people in your position.

Whereabouts do you live OP? This post has me really wishing I could help!

OP I could have written your post. My daughter is in her twenties now, but practically word for word I could have written as my life was your life.

I had my DD when I was a teenager, her dad ran for the hills no sign of him ever again nor any financial help either, ever, not a penny.

My parents made a lot of remarks 'don't expect us to babysit' or my mothers catchphrase 'You made your bed, you lie in it' .. They couldn't get me to move out of the house quick enough, and the first home my baby had, was a homeless hostel.

Then later in our rented house, after my DD went to bed each night I would often sit and sob out of sheer boredom. The lack of conversation etc drove me to the end of my tether - we had no TV and no internet, and it was often cold

I went to work when my DD started school, but could never join in the 'what are you doing at the weekend' conversations.

At one point I and begged my parents to help but my mother stopped speaking to me, apparently I had offended HER. I ended up apologising. (I know...right..)

It is not surprising you feel bitter, because you are not asking them to raise your child for you, but it WOULD be nice if the grandparents were to get involved, it is what loving grandparents do, right? It is a huge strain doing this all alone, HUGE

A lot has changed over the years, when my DD was 13 I met a lovely man at work. Our first ''date'' was a pizza at home with me and DD. We are very happily married now. See, you may meet someone at work

In terms of relationship with my parents, my relationship with them is very low contact - at there preferral , xmas and birthday cards only.

My daughter does not bother with them at all, - she sees they weren't interested as she grew up, and gives them the same respect nowadays

Lucie - you do realise that most single parents, have been massively shat on, i.e someone has walked out and left them to do the job of two people?

There are not many people that would chose that situation, that being if they could see into the future

I think you've done amazingly well under the circumstances. You've also set a good example for your daughter - that it is possible to work and/or study without any back up support.

Your parents sound awful, and very self centred. There's a massive middle ground between wanting to live their own lives and being non stop babysitters. They could easily have combined with going on holidays etc with offering the occasional few hours of babysitting every few months to give you a break. Were they this cold and uncaring toward you and your sibling/s growing up?

Also, are there any support groups for parents with children with asd. Might be a good way to meet parents who are in similar situations and potentially long-term babysitting swops.

Also some local authorities provide respite care for parents of children with disabilities so might be something worth looking into

You've done amazingly well - some incredible achievements there.

Try and reframe how you're looking at it (which it sounds like you are doing with your future plans, which sound brill). It's a huge opportunity to be entering your 30s with an older child and newly qualified. Don't see your 20s as wasted but working towards a new and better phase of your life. Once you've finished studying can you focus on getting DD into some clubs or activities which would mean you get some free time for yourself or the opportunity to meet people? Perhaps have time to do dip your toe in some OLD? There are lots of people in your circumstances or perhaps have a family and have divorced or even just not met the right person.

But remember what you sound like you're dreaming of isn't always what it's cracked up to be. On balance, there are plenty of people married with family that would love to have independence and to have achieved what you have

Dont go on social media, it will make things seem worse.
your doing great and i admire your resolve to carry on.
hang on in there, things will improve i am sure. good luck with the degree and keep your chin up. other People's lives are not always what they seem. I bet they are jealous of you being able to further your education and you will still be very young when your child is a lot more independent too, seems like forever now, but the years do fly round.