I have just finished with my Boyfriend.......

[ucm]

Hi, I am UCMs friend and she recommended that I come on here to ask the MN Jury whether I have done the right thing or not.

This is the story.

Been with him for a year, we wanted the same things, he seemed to want to commit. He was supposed to move in last week, but hasn't. to cut along story short, he has told me he will get a better job so that we would be more financially stable when he moved in with me. He has a house which he owns with his ex wife who will not give consent to sell to resolve his debts even though he has asked many times.(not her problem, which is why she's the EX) no qualms about that.. anyway, he rented two double rooms in his house to pay for the mortgage etc and now he has found a new job...but says it's too far from my humble abode and has to work two saturdays a month for extra cash.. i'll only get to see him twice a month on a saturday til sunday...NO WAY! I have stuck by him and now my patience has run out.. he didn't spend xmas with me, which caused me to finish things, but took him back on the condition that things would improve, three months later, things are worse... should have i stuck by him and waited as he has two more jobs he could take in the next few months... i've said No and mean it this time!
I know i cannot document everthing and an affair is out of the question because i know his family etc,and have ruled that out as he used to spend all his time with me until now!

he is not meeting your needs and you have ended it. sounds sensible to me.

This is UCM speaking and thanks MTPW but I really need some more input here. Thanks

I think you've done the right thing. He is obviously not willing to commit fully to a future together.

He sounds a bit crap to me. How does he treat you apart from this situation?

Sorry Mtpw, didn't mean that to sound funny

deffo done the right thing

Really good until november last year. he spent every weekend with me, went out together, took my daughter on.. i met his family went to meet them in Wolverhampton, went to a wedding etc, his mum and dad really like me and me them....asked when our wedding would be....he did go out on the very odd occasion with his work mates, and would ask if he could go, which i did not disapprove of at all, why should I..i had a major back op and he visitd me in hospital in london nearly every day and bathed me etc... i was his life...how come it's gone so pear shaped!

He's sending mixed signals. Sounds like he doesn't want to lose you, but can't quite commit either. You're not on the same wavelength about it - shouldn't you be agreeing those things together if you've got a mutual future?

Sounds like it's all on his terms. I wouldn't want it like that/couldn't stay.

And IMO, only a year in, you should still be in the honeymoon period and deliriously happy. And what's the talk about having an affair? Bin him and find someone else who wants to/can be with you.

Sometimes men do go pear-shaped-- no fault of yours.
I read something the other day which said that the women who get the great men aren't lucky, they just dump the crap men quicker.
This is my new maxim and I am trying to stick to it.

it sounds to me like there is one major problem here - his focus is on one thing only - getting his house (both literally and figuratively) "in order" - and you want his focus to be on one thing - ie spending time with you. The problem in the relationship is how to get his focus and your focus to make sense. Unfortuantely, for that to happen, some huge compromises need to be made. So, your own personal question is as follows "Am I able and happy (very important) to make the sacrifices needed to try to make this relationship a reality, or not? Simple yes or no. No ifs, buts or maybes. Once you are able to honestly answer that question, you will be better able to decide how much more involved you choose (very important) to be. Or not.

i was so happy with him, but now i am most happy when i spend time with my friends...I do feel i have done the right thing, just needed to get some views about the situation so i can get on with my life without him. thanks

Sounds like you did the right thing esp if you feel happier with your friends

HPWT,i did ask myself that question and the reality of it is...i am not happy with him anymore, due to spending time apart at xmas, new year and he went on a work course in feb...when he got back, i knew it was make or break time, just wanted to know if he could make a committment or not..he chose not, so i choose to start living my life without him as i am not playing mind games etc am 38 yrs old now!!!

Thanks Bluejelly, have taken all views on board and feel very confident that i made the right choice. thanks

I always dumped the crap ones at the first sign of things going pear shaped...god lifes too short to waste time trying to turn a frog into a prince!

Yes that's how i used to be, as i got older i thought give them the benefit of the doubt! Especially when they've been 10 times better than any bloke you've had...hey where's it got me? I think i should go back to your way of thinking GG.

The only way is up, Ucm's friend. Good luck

Yes it certainly is blue jelly...cheers

Hon, if you question if your relationship is worth pursuing, then it isn't

It is ALWAYS better to be on your own, than to be with the wrong bloke...you have definatly done the right thing.

All the best

yes i agree, it's nice getting other peoples points of view, i do feel soooooooo much better, as sometimes you get a niggly feeling, maybe it's the wrong thing to do, maybe i should have been more supportive...i've compromised on soooo much in this relationship, i've had it now for good! thanks for responding..

Just got time to come on here, but thank you girls for taking time out to give my bf good advice.xxx

I think you did the right thing. A relationship is supposed to make you happy and this one wasn't. A friend of mine was in one like yours and four years later it was clear he was soooooo never going to commit. It's like when you know you have work to do that you'd really rather put off, so you keep finding other more 'urgent' things to do.

A wise man once said, the formula for a successful relationship is a function of how well it meets the needs of both people. This one seemed to be solely meeting your ex's needs so you're better off out of it. Besides if you have to be alone, you're definitely the best person to do it with.

I dumped a boyfriend after 3yrs, similar lack of commitment situation & I did the right thing though wondered if i had or not for at least a year afterwards!

Good luck finding one who isn't a Commitophobic!...As yet I haven't!