to feel that my life is falling apart

[PennyDreadfull]

Can someone please help me. I'm feeling the absolute worse I've ever been.

I'm signed off work with severe anxiety.
Been off for a long time. About 6 weeks and then a second period of 4 weeks so far.
Dr has doubled my dosage of Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg. So I've been taking 40mg for 3 weeks now. I wake up crying and wanting to self harm every morning.

My husband is depressed and unhappy and threatened to leave me a couple of weeks ago. Said he's no longer in love with me. Don't know if that's the depression talking. He does say negative things when he's depressed. He's also started citalopram.
Been texting his friends from work (most of them female ) and staying out late a lot.
When confronted he says he just needs space because our relationship is very intense. I suppose it can be at times.

He's been messaging one female colleague details of our relationship etc. I asked him not to. He said ok he wouldn't anymore and admitted she might "have a thing for him."
I asked him to delete her number and just restrict their interaction to work.
He agreed.

I'm so paranoid and unhappy. He goes out by himself a fair bit to go for walks, take pictures etc. I hate it right now but feel like I can't complain because I'm supposed to be giving him more space.
He has said he does love me and doesn't want to leave me. But I'm still so anxious and unhappy.

My work are threatening to sack me because of my attendance.
They told me I should resign rather than be sacked.
I feel like my life is falling apart.
I wake up every morning seriously having panic attacks and feel so alone.
I'm 200 miles away from my family.
It's getting harder and harder to resist the urge to self harm.
please please please please someone help me.

Oh OP, what a horrible situation for you. I'm so sorry you're going through all this and feeling so bad.

I think you need to tackle these problems one at a time.

The first one is that perhaps the Citalopram isn't working the way that it should. After 3 weeks you should really be seeing an improvement. One of the possible side effects of Citalopram is suicidal thoughts / thoughts of self-harm - would you say these thoughts had got worse since you started taking the increased dose? If so, the official advice is to go to A&E with the tablets. However, if you haven't noticed a change, just that they haven't helped, it's time to go back to your GP. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right anti-anxiety medication. Are you on the waiting list for counselling? Please don't think that this is just how you have to feel and that self-harm is inevitable. There IS a treatment out there that will work for you - you just have to keep trying to find it. I know that's SO hard when you're suffering as it involves effort and energy and all the things you don't have right now - but it's worth it!

In terms of your work, I'm not an employment lawyer, but I don't think they can sack you for being off sick! Especially when you're signed off. It might be worth getting some advice from Citizen's Advice if you can face making the calls. It may well be that once your medication is sorted you might be able to face a gradual return to work. Is your job a trigger for your anxiety? If so, it might also be worth considering looking for something else - but again, this is all after your medication is sorted.

As for your husband, living with someone who is depressed is very hard and I do feel for him. It sounds a little bit like he's at the end of his tether. But if he loves you and doesn't want to leave you, hopefully he'll be willing to work with you. Perhaps if your husband sees you being proactive about your recovery (changing medications etc), he will see a light at the end of the tunnel and be willing to keep trying. You both need to work as a team on this, and that will involve some changes on his end too. Going for walks seems a very reasonable coping mechanism for him to have but staying out late and texting lots of other women really isn't appropriate. If you can afford it (they do a sliding scale of payment so it's usually reasonable), a Relate counselor might be helpful for the two of you to give you space to discuss how you can work together through this difficult time, and also how to address the intensity of your relationship.

Best of luck, OP. You CAN get through this and you will. Just try to take one tiny step in the right direction every day.

Just to reiterate: if your thoughts of self-harm have increased since taking citalopram, please go straight to A&E with your medication and explain the situation.

Number 1: don't resign. You are unwell and will recover. Keep them up to date with dr's note etc.

I also think you need to seek medical advice regarding your medication. Vitalist am can make you feel worse, sometimes before it makes you feel better. But for some, it is really not the right drug. Go to A&E with it if you are thinking of hurting yourself.

Things feel bleak now, but you will recover. Take one step at a time, don't get pressured into any big decisions & keep posting. Hugs and flowers.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this OP but as peachgreen has said, try to break it down and look at one thing at a time.

Sometimes just looking into something can make you feel more in control so do look at your options for each problem.

Speak to your HR services at work and keep them updated with your situation. I'm no expert but I'm fairly sure you cannot be sacked so make sure you have the relevant doctors notes and sign off forms and keep them in the loop with your plans.

Go back to your GP and explain exactly what your symptoms are so they can get you onto other medication asap. Perhaps call the Samaritans or other helpline if you are feeling like you want to self-harm, they may be able to recommend something for you.

As your husband is also suffering from depression it is hard to know how he really feels. Is it possible you can sit down and talk about both of your issues together to try to get a better understanding of each other's feelings? He says he loves you and doesn't want to leave you so you need to come up with a plan together on how you will get through this rough patch which might include new medication for both of you or even counselling but I'd say the most important thing is to communicate with each other.

It sounds like you are giving him his space but could that work for you too? Maybe getting out every day for a walk and some fresh air might make you feel a bit physically better and more able to cope with your day? Are there any hobbies you enjoy doing that could provide a bit of distraction for you?

Just take baby steps with these and try not to feel overwhelmed. I know it is easier said than done but you and your husband can get through this. I hope things get better for you xx

Anxiety is the pits.

Like a PP has just said citalopram can cause thoughts of self harm and suicide when you first start it.

I would see a professional, the information packet will advice the same. I'm sorry about how your feeling anxiety affected me worse then bi-polar and PTSD combined, it's a horrible condition

An increase in Citalopram dosage can cause anxiety. Can you get an emergency GP appointment today/tomorrow?

Do you have children?
Your DH does not sound supportive.
Could you go to your family for some love and support?

Peacegreen is right..break each problem down. Hope better soon

Could you stay with family for a few days for some support in a caring environment? Don't go through this alone. Some good advice posted here.

Thank you everyone for the advice and support.
I feel ok this evening but am dreading the morning . The mornings are my absolute worse times with anxiety.

Rang up my work this afternoon with a query regarding sick pay.
My manager answered the phone. Not a single "hi how are you? How are you doing etc?"
He literally just went "Oh it's you." Silence.

I also heard from another colleague that they're gossiping about me at work being off and saying I'm skiving.

Because apparently anxiety isn't a real illness

Your work sounds unpleasant but I'm afraid they can instigate a dismissal on ill health capability procedure provided that they adhere to their absence policy.

Penny What time of day do you take your Citalopram, out of interest?

I take it approx 6-7pm. I thought that was the best time.

I'm currently sitting in bed crying whilst my husband is tapping away on his phone in the spare room.

I hate this. what's the point of anything.

Do you have a friend you can call? Night time can be difficult. Did you call the doctor today? It may not feel it right now but things will get better. Stay strong. If you think you are going to do harm to yourself then phone 101 and tell them how you feel. Take care and know that there are people out there who do care x

I used to take it first thing in the morning, possibly just a placebo affect but it did somewhat help with the morning anxiety.