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AIBU?

MIL - Am I over reacting?

102 replies

londonfever · 12/04/2017 10:09

Hi all,

First time poster but long time lurker. Bit of back story, DP & I have been together 5 years have gorgeous 18 month old twins. DP's parents live far away and so when we see them they stay with us for at least a few days. DP's mother has very old fashioned views and thinks i should be at home with children and not working. I work 4 day week with one day at home.

DPs parents came to visit last weekend, all lovely, we go out for a walk & to have a bit of lunch. DPs mother starts questioning if I'm happy at wok, so i reply yes, the balance is good. It works for our family. Twins are really happy in nursery and I love having our day together during the week. She basically said that Nursery were raising my children, I disagreed and stated that I think they are looking after my children while I work ensuring we as a family are happy. She said she didn't agree and it was her opinion and she was entitled to it. Then she says 'Did you even want the girls in the first place?' which I took to mean why would I have children if I wasn't going to stay at home with them. I then said I totally disagree, She accuses me of shouting at her. I told her if I was shouting she would know about it. She then repeats that she thinks the Nursery are raising my children, so I stop in my tracks and tell her that I don't want to continue this conversation and she needs to keep her opinions to herself.

So I left it at that & didn't mention it again. On the way home from lunch though I told DP I was unhappy...I told him it was unacceptable for her to speak to me like that. The more I thought about it over Saturday night I was fuming with her. DP was like she didn't mean to question if I really wanted the girls etc. it's just a throw away comment that she didn't mean. But I was just so floored by it. We had trouble conceiving and she knows this...

Anyway, they left and since then I can't get this comment out of my head, it makes my blood boil. DP has said he will have his Dad speak to her but my argument is that she is always saying things like this and I end up upset after every visit (we see them every 2-3 months). I have stated that I don't want to talk her again. I will not stop DP or DC seeing her but I don't want to be there.

DP thinks i'm being unreasonable and that I just need to ignore it and move on and in future he will ensure that she doesn't upset me but I feel like we have this conversation after every visit.

So...am I being unreasonable? Any advise??

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kathkim · 12/04/2017 11:29

Stonewalling/broken record technique. Don't deviate. She will try to change what's she's saying a little to resume the convo and have her way. Don't allow this.

She basically said that Nursery were raising my children (no comment she didn't ask you a question - talk about trivia instead)

it was her opinion and she was entitled to it (of course you are MIL, change subject - isn't it a lovely lunch?)

Did you even want the girls in the first place? (MIL getting pushier and more antagonistic to pull you in. Ignore. Take a break. Toilet/freshen drink/message on your phone which you must respond to. Let her stew for a 10 minutes)

Do. It. Every. Single. Time.

Try never to be alone with her, as that's when she strikes!!

If she doesn't get the message see less of her. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she's getting between you and DH.

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FrenchJunebug · 12/04/2017 11:29

I would be fuming at the comment regarding wanting the children. Otherwise shut it down by a gallic "whatever" or "we as a family are happy with the arrangement".

And btw 18 months is not to early to be at nursery for 4 days a week if they are happy. My son was at nursery 4 days a week by 9 months and loved it!

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thinkingofsomething · 12/04/2017 11:30

She can think whatever she likes, but if she choses to air that opinion (especially when she's not been asked for it, and its actually not any of her business) you are entitled to tell her what you think of her.

My response is to stare at MIL for 20 seconds, smile sweetly and and say. "Goodness, did you really say that out loud" and then move on. It throws them completely

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buckyou · 12/04/2017 11:34

I think going NC is a bit OTT but she needs to learn to shut her trap. Can your husband tell her it's not acceptable?

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londonfever · 12/04/2017 11:37

Thanks all, NC is an over reaction, I see that. I will just not engage with these conversations when I see them coming. DP will also be warned well in advance that I don't want to be left alone with her...we don't have any visits with them for a few months so i have calmed down sufficiently by then :)

I see that i need to build a bridge and just get over it...

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ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 12/04/2017 11:38

Just to look at things a bit differently:

I am assuming she has little idea of what a nursery is like, and am assuming you are very delighted with the twins' nursery. My MIL never stated such opinions, although I feel sure she holds them. She also lives quite far away. She visited the nursery a couple of times whilst with us and picked DS1 up and saw how lovely it all was.

Could you maybe suggest DH arranges for her to visit the nursery and see for herself what it's like?

I was always happy with nursery raising my kids for me; they did a better job than I did, maybe that's the joke you need?

On another note, you don't see her often. It might be galling when you do, But I'd just put up with it. I'd also guarantee you'll personally see less of them once the girls are older. Either they will visit them more, or they'll come and have days out with just the girls a bit more. And once your girls grown up happy, settled and aspirational, the last laugh will be on you :)

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Rafflesway · 12/04/2017 11:40

I was thinking the same as Aderyn in how financially vulnerable you would be should you become a SAHM and, God forbid, your relationship fell apart.

What is wrong with some of these women when they reach 60? I am over 60 and definitely don't think YABU. FWIW, my dd was with a childminder and then Special Needs nursery from being 4 months old and she has severe learning difficulties. She is now mid 20's and a glorious young women - despite her difficulties - and we are extremely close. Your MIL is talking rubbish IME and IMO.

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ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 11:40

Why are people saying that 18 months is too young for nursery?
Children can go to nursery or CMs at any age.
Mine went at all different ages and none of them turned into murderers or hermits.

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Rafflesway · 12/04/2017 11:41

woman

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Rafflesway · 12/04/2017 11:42

Well said Piglet!

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Batgirlspants · 12/04/2017 11:43

london I hope your mil will learn to appreciate what a lovely forgiving dil she has.

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Mummmy2017 · 12/04/2017 11:46

Next time she starts agree with her and ask her if they would like to release loads of money from their house so you can be Mortgage free and stay at home with the Kids...

I love the going to the loo for 10 mins everytime she starts, especially if she has both DC at the time.

Oh and when you go visit, get her to babysit and have a date with your DP, if your 10 mins away at the pub, when she calls you home you can say so p[leased your not the only one who finds it hard with 2.

Plan little things, that make her see.... and you can Turn her to the Dark side

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5foot5 · 12/04/2017 11:49

Agree with Piglet. Mine went at 9 months and thrived on it.

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pictish · 12/04/2017 11:51

The OP didn't ask for our opinion on her childcare choices.

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SapphireStrange · 12/04/2017 11:51

I don't think NC is an overreaction considering that she bangs on and on about this.

But assuming you're not going NC, I'd instead say to your DH that, seeing as he can't seem to ask his mother to give it a rest, you will be picking her up on every single comment she makes yourself.

And do it. Any time she starts. 'We've talked about all this, MIL. I won't go over it again. Our family is our business.' Change the subject/walk away.

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KatharinaRosalie · 12/04/2017 11:53

She is entitled to her opinions, sure. If she does not want to be massively rude, she should consider though if, how and when she expresses those opinions.

And your DP really needs to support you. 'she didn't mean to question' - but surprisingly, exactly those words came out or her mouth, all by themselves?

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pixiebaby23 · 12/04/2017 11:53

I'm 56 and my dds both went to nursery, dd1 from 5 months old. I too was the higher earner by quite some margin. They're lovely, successful and happy young women now.

Frankly OP, I'd do what you suggest and cut contact with the MIL if she can't be polite- you don't want to hear her outdated opinions and that's that.

I cut contact with my toxic MIL (for different reasons, ironically it was my mother who was jealous of my career) and was much happier as a result. Your MIL can still see your dds, although if she starts poisoning them, rethink that too.

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Cartman03 · 12/04/2017 11:55

Perhaps ask DP to tell her how much it annoys you and that neither of you wants this raised again.

If she does bring it up on a future visit just cut her dead and tell her that you clearly have different opinions on raising children, that you are never going to agree, that you don't want to have this conversation again and suggest to her you leave it there.

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happypoobum · 12/04/2017 11:56

I think what she said about did you even want the girls is unforgivable actually.

I would want a heartfelt apology from her and an assurance it wouldn't happen again before I would allow her back in my home.

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pictish · 12/04/2017 12:00

I think mil wasn't getting the validation she felt entitled to and the girls comment was wholly provocative. She's a mum herself and she knew the impact it would have.
How you didn't tell her to fuck off I'll never know.

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Noctilucent · 12/04/2017 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiebaby23 · 12/04/2017 12:01

Actually, why don't you write to her? Put down everything you've said here, show it to your dh and say you would like an apology and assurance she's not going to insult you again, nor expose your daughters to such nonsense. Cut contact if she doesn't oblige.

If I had my time again, I would have done this with my MIL - I cut contact to a bare minimum but never told her why.

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Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/04/2017 12:03

My blood is boiling for you OP !
You have handled yourself extremely well, under the circumstances,
Your MIL, has upped the anti, as she fears, losing the battle.
Your DH, needs to be firmer and direct in his approach, should she continue. This could stop her in her tracks.
I suggest you shorten her stay, in future, until you are comfortable, in her company. E.g., not four days, two days !
I'm sure you can get this sorted out.

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kaitlinktm · 12/04/2017 12:05

I have an opinionated MIL who over the years carefully chose her moments to make her comments when dh didn't hear.

I had a MIL and FIL like this. I wish I had said early on - "I think you should be discussing this with DH, not me" - and cut them off. For some reason they never wanted to talk about things with their own son although they would happily moan to me. He is an ex now, but in all fairness, he wouldn't have put up with it.

Also, all this "how old are you MIL - 60?" as if it's some sort of failure to be 60 makes me tired. I am nearly 62 and worked when my children were small as did a lot of my peers. There were SAHMs then just as there are now.

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MatildaTheCat · 12/04/2017 12:06

In regard to the comment about not wanting them it would have been ideal to say, 'That's a completely horrid thing to say and is so very hurtful to dh and I. I feel you should apologise.' As you missed the boat I think dh should speak to her and tell her she's upset you both. Sod any victim misery from her and expect an apology. No further invites until it's been sent.

Next time she raises any comments about your lifestyle choices close her straight down with a very airy, 'Oh dear, another subject we will have to agree to disagree on. Look at that X or y, how sweet.'

Just refuse to rise. And avoid being alone with her too much.

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