MIL - Am I over reacting?

[londonfever]

Hi all,

First time poster but long time lurker. Bit of back story, DP & I have been together 5 years have gorgeous 18 month old twins. DP's parents live far away and so when we see them they stay with us for at least a few days. DP's mother has very old fashioned views and thinks i should be at home with children and not working. I work 4 day week with one day at home.

DPs parents came to visit last weekend, all lovely, we go out for a walk & to have a bit of lunch. DPs mother starts questioning if I'm happy at wok, so i reply yes, the balance is good. It works for our family. Twins are really happy in nursery and I love having our day together during the week. She basically said that Nursery were raising my children, I disagreed and stated that I think they are looking after my children while I work ensuring we as a family are happy. She said she didn't agree and it was her opinion and she was entitled to it. Then she says 'Did you even want the girls in the first place?' which I took to mean why would I have children if I wasn't going to stay at home with them. I then said I totally disagree, She accuses me of shouting at her. I told her if I was shouting she would know about it. She then repeats that she thinks the Nursery are raising my children, so I stop in my tracks and tell her that I don't want to continue this conversation and she needs to keep her opinions to herself.

So I left it at that & didn't mention it again. On the way home from lunch though I told DP I was unhappy...I told him it was unacceptable for her to speak to me like that. The more I thought about it over Saturday night I was fuming with her. DP was like she didn't mean to question if I really wanted the girls etc. it's just a throw away comment that she didn't mean. But I was just so floored by it. We had trouble conceiving and she knows this...

Anyway, they left and since then I can't get this comment out of my head, it makes my blood boil. DP has said he will have his Dad speak to her but my argument is that she is always saying things like this and I end up upset after every visit (we see them every 2-3 months). I have stated that I don't want to talk her again. I will not stop DP or DC seeing her but I don't want to be there.

DP thinks i'm being unreasonable and that I just need to ignore it and move on and in future he will ensure that she doesn't upset me but I feel like we have this conversation after every visit.

So...am I being unreasonable? Any advise??

[OhtoblazeswithElvira]

I think your reaction was reasonable and assertive OP. Normal polite people wouldn't say the things your MIL said and then finish with a "did you even want your children?" Sounds like she is looking for a fight!

[Trifleorbust]

I don't think you overreacted at all. If anything I think you were more moderate than I would have been. Who does she think she is? I would tell her to direct any further questions about how we choose to raise our children to her son or, better yet, butt out altogether.

[kathkim]

I think you're right there Rogue

MIL wants a stick to beat OP with. If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

[RogueBiscuit]

I don't really think it's actually about the nursery. It's about your mil being misogynistic. She probably thinks it's your job to do all the cooking and cleaning and basically be a skivvy to her son.

Women with these beliefs are often just as abusive as misogynistic men, and they need calling out on it in exactly the same way you would if a stupid sexist man said it. She wouldn't say this shit to her son because he's a mighty man and in her eyes you're just a fucking woman. His job is important and yours is not. If it comes up again call her on it. Ie mil why do you perceive husband's job as more important than mine? Really make her explain herself. Has she asked her son if he really wanted the children? If not why not?

Your husbands lack of understanding about what she's really saying is also worrying.

[TheSkyAtNight]

Think Pictish is right. She totally crossed a line with that comment, but that is a good thing as it allows you to address the rest of her spiteful comments. Talk directly to her instead of all this triangulation between the partners. She will know what she said was out of order. It's a good chance to lay down a proper boundary.

[timeisnotaline]

I say things like 'I KNOW. I've asked dp if he really wanted them and he swears blind he loves them but he doesn't even take a half day on top of weekends off so it doesn't add up does it? It's tearing me to bits. Maybe you should talk to him.'

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

I take it that hosting your in-laws costs you both money in regards to utilities used, food, etc? I'd be reminding her who's money that gets earned whilst your dc are at nursery pays for that...

[FlyAwayPeter]

Then she says 'Did you even want the girls in the first place?' which I took to mean why would I have children if I wasn't going to stay at home with them

Interesting that your MiL didn't ask her son this - why do we assume that men don't miss their children when they're at work all day?

Oh yes, that old thing, sexism ...

[AstrantiaMajor]

I really hate the "It's only my opinion, I have a right to speak my mind". Not if it is hurtful and spiteful you don't. She knew full well that what she was saying and that she would get a reaction. I don't think I would stop engaging with her over this. You have a valid point and i think you should continue to debate it in very great detail every time she starts. What they do at nursery, quoting reports on child development and women's mental health. Then move on to women's lib, politics of envy, and how sad it is the DH was so restricted as a baby.

[CarpetBagger]

^^ good response there from pitsh.

[pictish]

I agree. Text her something like this.

"I just want to address the comments you made to me last weekend about childcare and in particular, whether or not I wanted my daughters. I'm sure you know that crossed the line that day.

In short; we have heard what you have to say on the subject of childcare repeatedly and we don't want to hear it again. Those choices are ours alone to make and we are happy with the arrangements we have. You seem to have a problem accepting that, so for the sake of maintaining good relations, the subject of our childcare arrangements is off-limits to you from now and for the foreseeable future. I will not tolerate being insulted like that again.

With that, I would like to put the incident to rest. I hope you will do the same.

London."


If your dh doesn't like it, tough.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

I always laugh over comments like that because it has only been relatively recently (since post WW2) that it has been expected that women stay home with the children. In earlier times working class women worked outside the home, and often the children did too. Upper class women hired others to look after their children and often only saw them once a day or so. In other cultures children are looked after communally or by older siblings and cousins. Your MIL's view is a narrow one indeed.

[ProseccoBitch]

I find that coming up with a stock phrase works well for this kind of thing. Just decide on one sentence and whenever she starts just repeat it in response to anything she says on the subject. I'll bet she soon packs it in, she'll find it really frustrating. Try to stay calm and smile while delivering said sentence.

"Well we'll just have to agree to disgree on this one" works for all sorts of things!

[aprilanne]

there are two sides ,if your kids are in nursery most days 8 hrs then yes they have them more than you .thats not a critisism thats just fact .but if everyone happy with this arrangement then thats fine .my hubby has this attitude our dil also works .but the difference is he keeps his opinions to himself ..I would get hubby to have a word with her to say did you want the children is just mean .if everyone who had children stayed at home there would a lot less babies born because some folk cant afford it should you deny yourself a family just because you cant be at home 24/7 .i think not

[pixiebaby23]

Kathkim is probably right. The MIL is already waiting until her son is not around to pick on her DIL. She is demonstrating she is poisonous and not to be trusted.

[kathkim]

abc I've seen it happen, unfortunately. Why do you ask?

OP's MIL seems over-invested in her decisions for her own children and won't let it lie - to the point of making hostile and hurtful comments.

If OP resists her nonsense, I think MIL could try another tack. There are plenty of threads here already about just this sort of thing - bringing the children into it.

Not so fanciful of me, really.

[abcBears]

playing your own little movie in your head kathkim?

[kathkim]

Another thing just occurred to me, OP.

Please watch your MIL verrrrry carefully. She sounds sneaky and snide. The waiting until you are alone with her stuff.

She sounds like the type who will start saying things to your girls like "Oh darlings, do you have to go to that awful nursery again? What a shame Mummy doesn't love you enough to keep you at home."

She'll try to poison the children's mind no matter how much they enjoy nursery.

I know this shit-stirring type unfortunately Just watch her. She's not to be trusted!!!

[NotMyPenguin]

The thing is that as a parent YOU are responsible for choosing childcare, ensuring that it meets your children's needs, liaising with your children's key workers to make sure that you're communicating everything you need to (both ways).

Childcare and education isn't an abdication of responsibility; you're responsible for the decisions and for choosing what's most appropriate for your children. Doesn't mean you're only 'mumming' if you do it all yourself!

I mean, your MIL would hardly want you to home educate rather than sending your children to a good school when they get older, would she?!

[HicDraconis]

4 days a week at nursery.

Assuming 10h days that's 40h a week.

There are 168h in a week. If the babies sleep 12h a day that's 84h left awake. Add the 40h in nursery that's 124h.

That leaves 44h for the OP to spend raising her children, at least an equal amount to the time they are at nursery and certainly not a "far lesser proportion of the week". It's probably significantly more time with mum as I imagine they don't do 10h days and also do some of their sleeping at nursery.

Your views aren't old fashioned at 34, they are archaic and contributing to all that is wrong with society's view of women.

[relaxo]

Darryl- but OP earns more than her h. If there should be a SAHP surely it should be the dad?

As for nursery spending more time with the kids than the parents - the kids are there 9 hours a day. The parents are still getting up at night with them, having dinner and breakfast... The children could be having experiences that they don't get at home. I left painting to nursery and it wouldn't occur to me to do crafts for Diwali or organise a Forest School type session with a bunch of their peers. Kids learn lots from meeting other adults and children.

[DarrylsLilAssKicker]

Perhaps because your twins are at nursery for a greater portion of the week than they are with you she feels they are having a big role in raising them?

I wouldn't spend more time at work than with my child, but then I admit I do have old fashioned views (despite being 34!).

She shouldn't keep bringing it up though when she knows it upsets you. Someone, either her husband or your DP, needs to speak to her.

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

I also think that 18 months is very young for chn to be in nursery 4 full days a week

ODFOD.

OP, your MIL is a misogynist, her opinions belong firmly in the 1950s. How dare she say she'd dislike saying her son is a SAHP whilst in the same breath suggesting that you give up work!

[BlueChairs]

Eurgh I also HATE victim actors - is just NC her for a while and then maybe that'll get through to her and you can engage again. If she hasn't improved tell her to reassess why she thinks she knows everything about family and the modern world but probably couldn't switch on a damn iPad. Then NC again

[NotMyPenguin]

I have some sympathy with the argument that children do better with as much time with their parents as possible... although in this society this is largely an idealistic daydream rather than a realistic possibility for most people.

But I lost all sympathy for your MIL's point of view when she said that she wouldn't want to tell people that her son was a stay at home parent!

Good grief. Also, her comment about 'did you want the girls' was rude and completely unacceptable.

I'm struck by the fact that your DH wants his dad to talk to her, rather than talking to her directly himself. He really needs to be on board with you and take some responsibility for making sure she knows her comments weren't acceptable. He needs to make sure this isn't repeated, and ideally you deserve an apology.