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AIBU?

MIL - Am I over reacting?

102 replies

londonfever · 12/04/2017 10:09

Hi all,

First time poster but long time lurker. Bit of back story, DP & I have been together 5 years have gorgeous 18 month old twins. DP's parents live far away and so when we see them they stay with us for at least a few days. DP's mother has very old fashioned views and thinks i should be at home with children and not working. I work 4 day week with one day at home.

DPs parents came to visit last weekend, all lovely, we go out for a walk & to have a bit of lunch. DPs mother starts questioning if I'm happy at wok, so i reply yes, the balance is good. It works for our family. Twins are really happy in nursery and I love having our day together during the week. She basically said that Nursery were raising my children, I disagreed and stated that I think they are looking after my children while I work ensuring we as a family are happy. She said she didn't agree and it was her opinion and she was entitled to it. Then she says 'Did you even want the girls in the first place?' which I took to mean why would I have children if I wasn't going to stay at home with them. I then said I totally disagree, She accuses me of shouting at her. I told her if I was shouting she would know about it. She then repeats that she thinks the Nursery are raising my children, so I stop in my tracks and tell her that I don't want to continue this conversation and she needs to keep her opinions to herself.

So I left it at that & didn't mention it again. On the way home from lunch though I told DP I was unhappy...I told him it was unacceptable for her to speak to me like that. The more I thought about it over Saturday night I was fuming with her. DP was like she didn't mean to question if I really wanted the girls etc. it's just a throw away comment that she didn't mean. But I was just so floored by it. We had trouble conceiving and she knows this...

Anyway, they left and since then I can't get this comment out of my head, it makes my blood boil. DP has said he will have his Dad speak to her but my argument is that she is always saying things like this and I end up upset after every visit (we see them every 2-3 months). I have stated that I don't want to talk her again. I will not stop DP or DC seeing her but I don't want to be there.

DP thinks i'm being unreasonable and that I just need to ignore it and move on and in future he will ensure that she doesn't upset me but I feel like we have this conversation after every visit.

So...am I being unreasonable? Any advise??

OP posts:

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ToadsforJustice · 12/04/2017 10:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You cannot change MIL's opinion or view on the world, but you can change how you react. My usual response to my DM or MIL when they raise an opinion that we don't agree on, is to smile, move my head to one side, tinkly laugh and change the subject. I don't engage, I ignore. It's works a treat.

pictish · 12/04/2017 10:55

I agree that the comment regarding if you wanted the girls or not is dreadful.
If your dh can't admit or even see that his mum is way over-invested in your affairs to the point that she felt at liberty to make such a comment, I don't know what will get through to him. She has been given all the audience she was due over this already and more besides.
She needs to mind her own fucking business now and he needs to tell her.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/04/2017 10:57

Her age is irrelevant - she should agree to disagree and shut up about it. Personally I would ask her calmly not to mention it again. Or preferably, get your DP to tell her this very firmly.

FWIW I am over 60 and although I was a SAHP when mine were little, I can see that nursery has been very beneficial for little Gdd. My dd needs and wants to work, as do so many. I do know of some who would prefer to be at home but finances do not allow them the luxury of that choice.

ParadiseCity · 12/04/2017 10:57

My blood is boiling for you op!

Parenting is hard enough without twats like your MIL. I'd have as little as possible to do with her as life is too short to spend it justifying your perfectly reasonable lifestyle to someone like that.

ToadsforJustice · 12/04/2017 10:57

....just to add, when my DC were at nursery and I worked full time, my MIL would often criticise me and ask why I didn't say home with them. I told her that her beloved son didn't earn enough money to keep us. That shut her up!

chicaguapa · 12/04/2017 10:58

Can you find something about their life with a right to have an opinion on and mention it at every opportunity too?

Batgirlspants · 12/04/2017 11:01

Sensible approach op and I think we can all see your mil is s bitch here.

shovetheholly · 12/04/2017 11:08

I don't think you should endure such views just to keep some kind of family peace. What she said was deeply rude and hurtful. I think your DH needs to have a word with his mother himself and tell her that he won't stand for such behaviour. The fact that he's going to speak to his Dad about speaking to her is not good enough. Time for him to back his family and their choices.

mickeysminnie · 12/04/2017 11:09

So she insults you, then plays the victim and then it is brushed under the carpet?
I would explain to your dh that this will be the last time you tolerate her insulting and attempting to brow beat you.
Let him tell her, or if he won't, you tell her that her comments the last day were completely unacceptable and that in future she will be asked to leave immediately and stick to it. Tell your fil as well so that there is no grey area and no room for 'misunderstanding' .

forwardgoing · 12/04/2017 11:10

MIL should not be accepting your hospitality if she disapproves of your way of life. Get her to put her money where her mouth is

EweAreHere · 12/04/2017 11:11

Your DH should be supporting you and telling his mother that she will not be welcome if the comments don't stop.

HE is working. HE isn't 'raising his children full time' as she puts it. HE has chosen to use a nursery while HE is working. It is not 'the woman's' job to stay at home with the children. If anyone should stay home, it should be HIM because his wife earns more money.

HE really needs to lay this out for her and tell her this conversation will NOT take place again, or she won't be seeing much of her grandchildren, because he doesn't want them listening to this crap and their getting older.

AncoraAmarena · 12/04/2017 11:11

Your husband needs to be seen to support your choices 100%.

Next time she pulls something like that, call him over and refuse to engage with her until he's there. Then say something like 'your DM was saying x,y,z,' and let him tell her to her face and in front of you how the land lies. Ideally get her to repeat her sexist, hideous views to him first.

abcBears · 12/04/2017 11:12

i don't want her out dated opinions and backward attitude to be influencing my DC

That's a bit over the top. You are the parent, it's up to you to raise your kids and they (and you!) have to learn that other people have different opinion and values, sometimes completely over the top. Your MIL is not even looking after your kids.

I do think that 18 months is too young for nearly full time at nursery, but it doesn't mean I refuse to see all my friends who chose a nursery 5 days a week.

You are completely right to tell her to keep her opinion to herself and you don't appreciate the implication you are not a good parent. Fuming about it all weekend is a bit OTT though.

ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 11:12

I told her that her beloved son didn't earn enough money to keep us. That shut her up

Genius. Do that!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/04/2017 11:12

Yanbu she kept harping on when you had replied perfectly clearly. Your current arrangements work! If things change, it's none of her business. So what if your DP opted to be a SAHD. More men are staying at home, while their DWs or DPs go to work, it's nothing to be ashamed of. And it is possible for both of you to still pursue career goals, simultaneously parenting.

I can understand why you no longer wish to be on your own with her but I wouldn't rush to excuse yourself from all family gatherings because that plays into her hands.
"I have no idea why londonfever avoids me," later becomes, "Poor me, having her as a DIL, all I ever wanted was to get along", etc.
DP could surely talk to her himself?
Whether MIL is 60, or for all we know 46, it still comes over as unwanted interference.
The PILS aren't on your doorstep so any contact is limited already.

prettywhiteguitar · 12/04/2017 11:14

..just to add, when my DC were at nursery and I worked full time, my MIL would often criticise me and ask why I didn't say home with them. I told her that her beloved son didn't earn enough money to keep us. That shut her up!

Say this !! Brilliant

Mummmy2017 · 12/04/2017 11:14

I think you should take the bull by the horns and get all 4 of you round a table in a pub, so she has to behave, and tell her the truth.

They are your children how you choose to live your life is just that your choice, your DP and Your FIL can see that you will speak out.

Ask your MIL to stop bring up this subject as you both want a good life style, and that you feel if she can't drop it she is forcing you to not join in as a family, due to how upset you feel each time she does what you feel is an attack on your style of motherhood.

By not facing her down in front of the men, she can pretend it's you, but this way you can tell her she has one chance to change your mind, remind her that you feel by spending time working you feel that your time with your children is of a much better Quality than it would be if you compromised on how you feel. Also get your husband to confirm he backs you, and has not wish to become a stay at home dad.

prettywhiteguitar · 12/04/2017 11:15

Or as your dp to do it, why is she not telling him all this stuff

Megatherium · 12/04/2017 11:21

People who come up with "It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it" really irritate me. It tends to be the resort of people who are too stupid to defend their opinions. Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion. However, if you have any degree of self-awareness you accept that your opinion may be based on incorrect facts and others are entitled to make you aware of that; that having an opinion does not mean that others can't argue with that opinion; and that there are times when expressing your opinion may be rude and inconsiderate.

Aderyn2016 · 12/04/2017 11:21

I don't think you are overreacting at all. If someone questioned whether I wanted my dc and basically told me I was a bad mother because I chose to work, they would no longer be welcome in my house!

OP, you are not married to your dp and you are the higher earner. Imo you would be totally mad to give up work - you would be making yourself and your children massively vulnerable financially if something went wrong with your relationship.

Your partner needs to step up and tell his mum that the chilscare arrangements are joint, that neither of you want to be a sahp and that how you raise your dc is not her business. If she is unwilling to respect your perfectly legitimate choices then she doesn't get to visit.

I heartily recommend she stays in a hotel next time - she wouldn't be welcome in my house.

glueandstick · 12/04/2017 11:23

My mother in law tells me I do everything wrong (loves to argue and contradict everyone) I just tune out and make uh huh noises now.

Don't listen to her. Don't argue and don't give anything away. It's so much easier to just let it pass and ignore as much as making a point would be so satisfying

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/04/2017 11:24

She is entitled to her opinion. What she's not entitled to do is raise this conversation every time she sees you with the aim of making you feel bad about and to presumably try and compel you to do things her way.

As pp suggests, you might give her one shot at 'Right. You think this. I think that. We're going to have to agree to disagree and leave this subject alone, as whether you agree or not this situation will not be changing . We're not going to have this conversation again.'

If she then, having been given that clear information, tries to say 'I'm entitled to my opinion' what she actually means is 'I feel entitled to nag and bully you and I don't want you to be able to stop me doing it, because this is in some way rewarding for me'. And she can stuff that, because being a MiL does not equate to a white card to be a rude PITA.

It is also NOT precious to not want to spend time with someone who is rude, unpleasant and makes being with them a misery. You do not have to maintain the social contract with someone who is abusing it. If she chooses not to behave around you then she doesn't see you. End of problem.

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HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/04/2017 11:27

I'd be fuming but I'd pretend I didn't hear her. You will be able to see the leading questions coming from her so steer her off at the pass.

Change the subject every time. Do not engage in the subject.

She would be so worked up that she couldn't get to you.

hackmum · 12/04/2017 11:28

Aderyn2016: "If someone questioned whether I wanted my dc and basically told me I was a bad mother because I chose to work, they would no longer be welcome in my house!"

Agreed. It's incredibly rude. I always think the important thing is not to be defensive - not to engage with it at all, in fact. Because it won't lead anywhere - she won't change her mind and you'll have an argument and it will get nasty.

I think the thing to do is to prepare answers that will close down the conversation if she tries it again. One way is to agree with her: "Yes, the nursery are raising my girls - they're doing a great job of it." Or "No - I never wanted them. They were a terrible mistake."

Or perhaps: "That's an interesting viewpoint. You've given me a lot to think about."

Because what she wants is to get a reaction from you - she's deliberately prodding you. In Mumsnet parlance, she's a goady fucker.

JustSpeakSense · 12/04/2017 11:28

She should keep her opinions to herself.

I do think you are a bit overly upset by this though.

You need to learn to ignore her comments, and perhaps not spend time alone with her, so you and DP can handle her as a united front.

4 days a week IS a lot for 18month olds, she has a point.

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