To not have control over ExP?

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

DH regularly has a go at me because ex does not pay maintenance for Dd1.

I am sick of it! It is not my fault and I cannot control this, it is a situation not of my doing. Ex used to pay but lost his job, has paid nothing for 18months despite CSA involvement which has now stopped anyway as they have taken to making the children pay from what they collect.

As a result, I am more in debt as I refuse to let DD go without. DH thinks it costs him but really it doesn't, I soak up extra costs, childcare, clothes, gifts for birthdays and Christmas, activities, lunch money.

DH pays for his share of the household bills. I pay mine

He thinks I should tell Xp parents that he doesn't pay. I think they are great and don't need extra worry, he probably doesn't tell them the truth but they have always tried to make up for the fact he is useless.

DH also says I should stop contact if ex won't pay. I won't do that to DD. She loves her dad even if he is useless. I did recently tell her why things are the way they are, that her dad left us out to dry and that everything she enjoys I provide. Before that she thought I was a devil mother, despite only ever trying to make things better for her. Now I get cuddles from her when I would have had a cold shoulder. It wasn't fun telling her the truth and we both cried buckets.

So.... What am I supposed to do? I can't force ex to pay/get a job. I can't get DH to see my point of view! Stuck!

I spend a lot of money on music lessons and the cost of her being in an orchestra. It is important to her, has helped her with school work and I really don't want to stop.

Last time I checked ex owed me over £1000 via CSA. I didn't make a claim through CMS because he was out of work anyway and I haven't seen a penny of the money owed.

I do not spend a fortune on non essentials, DD has no designer clothes/toys.

I do work full time and earn a reasonable wage. The debt I have is not spiralling out of control and is definitely manageable.

I understand DH frustration, aside from DD we have another 3 kids, My two DSC and I have another DD, he is happy to support all 4 children but is annoyed that I don't do something about ex. I can't seem to get it across that there is nothing I can do!

I don't ask DP to make up the shortfall from ex for the activities and childcare because I don't see why he should, he does contribute to other things, general household stuff, family days out etc.

I can see why your dh is annoyed that you aren't persuing your ex to be honest. I would be in his situation as he is getting away with not supporting his child with no consequences.

This man married you but does not see your daughter as any concern of his. She is 'your' daughter and he begrudges 'his' money (whether it is or not) being spent on her, like she's some sort of side-project and not, well, his stepdaughter, whom he should be treating like one of his own.

I agree, don't go into debt and don't have these ideas of 'going without', she isn't going to 'go without'. Kids don't need luxuries.

But your DH's attitude to your daughter is very worrying.

I really sympathise OP. Your H is being unfair - why is he having a go at you rather than your XP? He's the one not paying after all.

I don't have a partner at the moment but do have an XP who pays a piddling amount of maintenance. If they don't want to pay there's no way to make them (it's far too easy not to), and it's tiresome when people insist you must be able to - with the inference that it's your fault for not trying hard enough to get the money.

Lota how on earth is that OP's fault? That's exactly the attitude I'm talking about. There's no magic solution to make an NRP pay if they can't or don't want to.

There should be stricter enforcement around non payment of maintenance ime, but that's another discussion altogether.

You should still make a claim through the CMS. If he's getting JSA, you are losing a small amount of money every week. If he starts working you will lose money until you make that claim. Whereas if the claim is open they will make him responsible from the day he starts work.

Is your husband annoyed you're not making your ex pay at all or annoyed that you aren't claiming through the CMS. I can understand the latter.

Obviously you can't make him pay a reasonable amount if he's unemployed though .