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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't be arsed to have sex

19 replies

Mypilesaresofuckingitchy · 11/04/2017 22:43

Have name changed for this...

DH and I need to start getting our sex life back on track as the youngest DC is now beginning to sleep through (at last). It's been a long haul of 2 tricky pregnancies of SPD and bleeding. Then a DC2 who has been a crap sleeper. 6 months after DC2 was born I had a mirena coil which made me bleed and be psycho for about 6 months, to the point where I was treated for anemia.

Things should be better now, but we have just got out of the habit of it. due to the layout of our house and DH needing to function at work, during the week we sleep separately and we've got used to having our own space. To deal with the bad sleeping DC we've staggered bedtimes too so I do the night shift and DH goes to bed early and covers the early mornings. (I'm a SAHP). So that really only leaves us the weekend...

In addition to that I'm always knackered, I'm 4 stone overweight, ive a horrid saggy post 2 c-sections belly. Awful piles and a whole host of muscular-skeletal whinges. I just don't feel sexy. It's not really a loss of libido but more just a reluctance to DTD.

DH seems to have given up trying to initiate sex and I am worried that he thinks I have gone off him (or he has gone off me- although he says not and is always very enthusiastic when he gets an opportunity!) It's not that at all, if I wanted to sleep with anyone it would be him. Having said that the few times we've managed it recently it's finally been good again - it was a bit crap for a while, as I've had some soreness etc and I have only just felt that my body is becoming my own again after breastfeeding. But I still can't muster the enthusiasm for getting down to it.

Any suggestions on how to get back in the 'zone'?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/04/2017 22:48

Glass of wine and going for it tbh! You then remember how fab it is

Lostthefairytale · 12/04/2017 04:26

I don't have a solution but I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I could have written a lot of your post. If it was as easy as having a glass of wine and getting on with it then I don't think you'd be posting here. Let me know if you figure it out!!

beingsunny · 12/04/2017 04:58

I'd start exercising, it will improve your confidence and your energy levels

Catbot · 12/04/2017 05:50

You are not alone Piles. I don't know what the answer is other than give it time. Your body is still recovering and you've got a lot going on. As your children start to get into a routine maybe you can share a bed again, even if it's only for a few nights. I think lots of couple sleep in their own beds and it works (and I'm envious).

yallamamma · 12/04/2017 06:01

Hi,

We've been exactly where you are, and this is the first week we've managed to DTD twice in nearly four years (previously we have gone months and months without). I finally feel like we are getting back on track, and last night I declared to DH that I finally felt sexy again!

We were both stuck in a sleep deprived/overweight/no confidence can't be bothered dilemma.

Can you get back to sleeping in the same bed? If you are happy doing the night shift, get DH some earplugs. You need to be physically close to stand any chance.

We started going to bed much much earlier - DH was always asleep on the sofa by 8.30pm whereas I'd be up until 11pm. In the last month or two, we have made a conscious effort to go up early together. Our kids are early risers (5.30am), so the early night suits us both and we take any night wakings in turn. Yes it might mean one of us is a bit tired the next day, but it definitely feels like we are doing it together, which also makes us feel more secure and interested in each other physically I think.

So we head to bed around 9pm, which means having a shower before bed and perhaps sneaking in DTD before going to sleep is entirely doable.

Pp's are right though, a glass of wine may help things along. I also think you should try to focus on getting a bit of exercise in, just a 30 min power walk a few times a week will make you feel better, more energized and help with the various post pregnancy grumbles, as would a quick yoga session (google YouTube intro yoga vids). I too had awful SPD and I still can't go on top when DTD, but to be honest any sex feels amazing now we are finally back at it! Get your piles sorted, I have those too, but see the GP, there will be a fix I'm sure?

Little things - a bath before bed, shave your legs, etc etc. my DH sees me do this and responds - he thinks I'm making the effort for him and I think it makes him more inclined to DTD.

All quite small changes, but definitely have helped us hugely get back in track. The other upside is that we both feel more energized from the early nights.

rizlett · 12/04/2017 06:03

Maybe you have forgotten to love your body for all the hard work it has done in nurturing your children - all bodies change and we often grieve for some time for the body we once had.

Perhaps start focussing on the parts of your body that you do like and being compassionate with yourself - have sex with yourself - or even just touch yourself gently (not in public!!!) and relearn where the tingly bits of your body are.

Feel instead of think.

In the shower - feel the sensation of the water running down your back - instead of getting in there and washing as quick as possible. Think of all the things you can turn into a feeling of how nice this is - instead of a thought about how you don't like your body at the moment.

Spend a day rediscovering all the turn-ey on things you like....

bigchris · 12/04/2017 06:05

I would start working on making yourself feel attractive again for you, get your hair and nails done, start eating healthier etc

Then when you feel more comfortable in your own skin you'll start to want to be close to him again imo

greenworm · 12/04/2017 06:52

If I watch TV shows/fils where people are having sex or just being sexy jt makes me feel more like having sex. Mad Men was a good one for that.

shinynewusername · 12/04/2017 07:10

Please tell us you mean films, not FILs, greenworm

FluffyWhiteTowels · 12/04/2017 07:23

Green worm ... epic typo

Itwillbefine · 12/04/2017 07:36

I don't even have the non sleeping small child as my excuse, DS2 is 8, but I CBA. When we do I like it but I'd much rather sleep!

frazzlebedazzle · 12/04/2017 07:41

No real advice I'm afraid but know exactly how you feel!

AngelThursday · 12/04/2017 07:48

I would try really hard to get back into it following the various advice given. It's so hard isn't it, after babies to feel sexy but do be kind to yourself and value the body you've got. It sounds like your DH loves and wants you just as you are.
I felt the same way as you but unlike you made no effort to restart things. After a while our sex life dwindled and months became years. Until recently we hadn't DTD for nearly ten years!!

CreatingADream · 12/04/2017 07:56

I would start exercising, maybe together?

But I also recommend, a night out an oyster bar, white wine, and possibly a hotel room if you can get babysitters.

:-)

KitKats28 · 12/04/2017 08:08

Sex isn't compulsory. It doesn't sound like either of you are massively bothered, so don't make it an issue if it isn't one.

As for asking yourself attractive, and making an effort "for him", gag. How much effort do men make for women? You wouldn't catch them needing to moisturise and wax their crack to get in the mood for a shag!

AngelThursday · 12/04/2017 08:22

That's what I used to think KitKats and in the end my marriage suffered for it. I underestimated how much my lack of interest in sex was affecting him. With the benefit of hindsight I wish I'd done more to get my mojo back.

dottymay · 12/04/2017 09:15

As for the energy I can understand not being bothered sometimes your just not in the mood.

As for the confidence sex is not like the movies let's be honest, and ubless you man looks like channing tatum in that stripper movie (well done if he does!) Then he has body issues too but no man has ever been in a room with a naked woman and thought any thing other than "let's get it on!!"
You have given him 2 children you are beautiful to him xx

KitKats28 · 12/04/2017 09:18

Oh yeah, fair enough Angel if he was bothered by it. Just the OP didn't seem that either of them were.

ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 09:28

Sex isn't compulsory. It doesn't sound like either of you are massively bothered, so don't make it an issue if it isn't one. ..As for asking yourself attractive, and making an effort "for him", gag. How much effort do men make for women? You wouldn't catch them needing to moisturise and wax their crack to get in the mood for a shag!

Well that isn't helpful and sounds more like you expressing your own hangups.
The OP plainly wants to have a normal sex life with her OH

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