to wonder if it's ADHD or my own bad parenting?

[scampimom]

Reposted from the SN board for traffic, as I need a reality check!

Just wondering if I have just cause to go and see my GP about DD, or whether I'm just being PFB with poor parenting skills.

DD is 4 next month. She NEVER listens. Not to me, not to DH, not at nursery, and not at the dance classes or rugby classes we have now stopped taking her to. She gets wildly frustrated with things, having a total melt down if she can't do something yet very very rarely asking for help.

She cannot stick at a single activity for more than a couple of minutes, except for the odd time when she becomes engrossed - but even that lasts no more than 4-5 minutes. She's impervious to danger, always climbing, always moving, always throwing things around (sometimes in anger, but often just in play) without any regard for drinks or glasses or what have you.

She hates cuddles and kisses, but if she is in the mood and you ask her nicely (I don't believe in just grabbing children for a cuddle or demanding physical contact if they don't want to), she might give you a hug. It's usually a leap into your arms and then off again, though.

She's so bright, funny, and has lots of friends at nursery, but I think it's partly because she's so anarchic that she distracts the other kids and they find her funny.

I find myself getting so wound up I could strangle her sometimes. I am wondering if it's a good idea to go to the GP and have some investigations to rule out anything medical e.g. possibly hearing problems, or possibly ADHD. Apparently her dad (my DH) was like this when he was a kid, and was a nightmare to live with, but back in the late 70s there was "no such thing" as ADHD.

Does anyone have a LO with a diagnosis of ADHD that could offer some insights? What do you wish you'd known or done differently? Am I completely overthinking this and just need to look at my parenting and discipline skills?

Firstly I would see what the nursery think, get their feeling for the situation but the also soeak go friends and family, it's sometimes really interesting to hear what others see and think, although perhaps not anyway easy to hear because everyone can be a perfect parent from the side lines.

Secondly, get some books or get online and find things that work, magic 1-2-3 works well with some kids particularly with SEN but I'm not sue I agree with everything in the book, but find things that work for you, I say this before with or without ADHD the behaviour still needs addressed (not that I'm saying she's out of control) but you need to feel in control.

Thirdly, she will not get referred to Cahms at 4, which is a shame given how long the waiting lists are, it's usually 7 but 6 is the youngest, mostly because 4 year olds can display many ADHD symptoms and not actually have ADHD, they could just be busy. However it would be good to know of others are concerned at ADHD or anything else for that matter, and if ADHD seems like it's the most likely you be repay for when she starts full time school at 5.

My eldest has a ADHD diagnosis, he received it at 6 years old, but he also has other SENs, in fairness he's not very hyper, it's more attention issues but he's has started medication, the medication doesn't fix anything, all it does is help him concentrate a bit more, so when he is medicate he's more inquisitive, he talks calmly and be completes work, but he still walks round, can't keep still, he still has massive attention issues, it doesn't change or improve his behaviour in anyway. It does help a lot, but it doesn't fix anything, which is why I said about finding ways to manage her behaviour now.

If others seem to support your idea of ADHD then do go to the GP, HV and anyone else because documenting your concerns now does help even if she can't be referred yet, plus they can suggest different things, or even parenting classes, which although sound like someone is saying "you're doing it wrong" are not, they just suggest different techniques for managing behaviour, plus if you do that now when it comes time to get referrals you have already done the parenting things so it hurrys things up if you see what I mean.

Try not to worry about school, you're aware of issues you can highlight to school and may good school will listen to your concerns and keep an eye out. School may be the making of her, rountine often really helps.

How/where do I get parenting classes? Is that something I would need to be referred to by an HCP, or can we just find some nearby and go? Not sure my DH would be keen, but whether she's got ADHD or just selective hearing (she can hear OK when chocolate's in the offing), we could all be better parents. DH often ignores her and gets short-tempered with her, and I wonder whether she's just mirroring that. Doesn't explain not listening at nursery or other groups and activities, though.

Hi OP definitely speak to GP/SENCO and check out some different websites describing ADHD in girls and see if any match up. I would add tho that even with SN children different (not necessarily better!) parenting techniques can improve things too. I recommend the usual suspects in books - How to Talk so Children will Listen and The Explosive Child (which also covers stubborness), maybe also sensory stuff to calm her down like headphones/weighted jackets etc...

My DD has ADHD, I'd advise you to speak with nursery about the possibility first. My DD really struggled with nursery and school and has a developmental delay due to her lack of concentration and memory capacity. Her difficulties became very clear at school but it can take years to get a diagnosis. It was 18 months on waiting list to see CAMHS , then another 6 months to send questionnaires and analyse then initial appointment , observation in school, ed psych report so in total about 2.5 years 😳. You can start the process yourself with GP but I'd start by having a meeting with nursery as they will be responsible for filling out paperwork. My nephew on the other hand was very similar to dd but matured by about 7 or 8, where as dd is 16 and every day is a massive struggle even in specialist school.

Could be dyslexic, hearing impaired, language comprehension difficulties, ADD, SPD or traits of all. If I was you (I was about 2 years ago) I'd learn all you can about all these conditions and try to implement strategies now to see what works for your DD. My little ball of energy has improved a lot over the last 2 years (she's 6 now). The school still have difficulties with her attention but she's a million times better than she used to be. One of the main things we did was do lots of exercise (E.g. Swimming, gymnastics, rock climbing, bmxing and going to the park) and lots of sensory play (sand, foam, water, playdoh, jelly etc).
We also use lots of visuals for instructions and prompts and lots of positive rewards.

I asked about ADHD with my youngest as her sister has it. A lot of preschool traits overlap with ADHD and you probably won't get a formal diagnosis until a lot older. I'd look at what you'd like her to be able to achieve and then find strategies to do that. Whether it be a visual or a signal to stop and listen.

Ooh, visual cues and instructions is a good idea. I might see what I can do about that - can't hurt

DD has ADHD and sounds very like yours.

Things that helped,

1. Lots of exercise, the beach in December was our go to.
2. Good food.
3. Very short instructions. No nagging. "Get your shoes on DD" then if she didn't manage it "shoes" then
4. A list of tasks on the fridge. Teeth, hair, shoes, breakfast. So she could check and see what to do.
5. I did parenting classes and they helped me come to terms with her just being this crazy whirlwind. That she wasn't 'bad' or similar, just very very active and inattentive.
6. A decent teacher. Her kindergarten teacher was an utter fuckwit who hated her. I'll never forgive her. DD thought she was bad and stupid. Thank goodness her grade 1 teacher is lovely.

Following with interest. My 4yo DS sounds similar to your DD. Anyone who spends time with him describes him as spirited, busy, full-on, energetic etc. I hear that as a euphemism for out of control, or poor parenting. He has no stranger fear despite us trying to convey the potential dangers (without freaking him out).
He doesn't tick all boxes for ADHD or similar, but certainly enough to make me wonder. I am going to leave it a bit and maybe contact GPS if things don't calm down. I really hope they do. I love him to bits but this constant challenging behavior challenging behavior is really wearing me down.

I hope things resolve for you and your DD OP.

I don't think this is either/or. You aren't necessarily a crap parent of your child doesn't have ADHD! She may just be like that.

What sorts of consequences are on place when she doesn't listen?

*in

I think short instructions are great for kids in general: keep it to the relevant information. They don't understand the importance of, say, a GP's appointment, so what matters most is making sure they know exactly what you want from them.

Shockers has beaten me to it with the diet advice. Generally we (and unfortunately, GPs as well) do not give nutrition the importance it deserves and the brain needs to have the right balance of nutrients to work optimally. Does she get enough oily fish, nuts and vegetables?

I diagnose OQMD or Obsessive Quotation Mark Disorder. It's incurable unfortunately.

newtothiscoven sorry, I'm not sure what you mean?

New it would be utterly fantastic if you were an "expert" because your "ideas" are so amazingly "innovative" and could "re-educate" me and "my little brats" and live happily ever after and never use a quote mark again.

OP in my PCT they don't make a diagnosis before 7 (as a general rule, there may be exceptions) We got a questionnaire to fill in and one was sent to ds' school. There must be a consistency of behaviour across home/school life. If school are saying she is great, focuses well etc it will politely be put to you that you need better discipline/boundaries/consistency at home. That does not seem to be the case here.

Absolutely get onto your GP with list of concerns. They can refer her to ENT to get a hearing test and other things to rule out any physiological reasons why her listening skills seem weak. CAHMS will want to see that these have been ruled out anyway. Referrals can take up to a year for some specialists so best to get the ball rolling ASAP.

Newtothiscoven, if your four grow up with an attitude like yours, I pity them.

Now please go away if you've nothing constructive to add to this otherwise polite and supportive discussion.

Alice, it means to be a goady fucker.

Hi I'm an SEN specialist.

If I'm honest it doesn't sound from your description that it is ADHD however i think you are justified to have concerns.

I think that teachers are very quick to say ADHD but "true " cases of ADHD are very different from spirited children who are difficult to encourage to follow instructions.

I cannot say either way however because I've never met your child. No one on MN or the internet should be able to diagnose a child as meeting them and getting to know them is so very critical.

My point? I don't think 100% it's ADHD but do go and seek an assessment - you wouldn't be brushed off for these concerns.

does she calm down if you give her caffeinated cola? (or go wappier)

advice: do a parenting class. tick one of the boxes and remove a step from diagnosis process. then you can say you did x class and use y strategies but there is still an issue.

good that there is also an issue at nursery and they have spotted it.

go to the gp for a referral.

write a list of what you have done/do, what her responses are, etc. all the behaviours to take with you.

Hi op, I sympathise as I've had similar experiences. My ds has recently been diagnosed adhd. It didn't occur to me before diagnosis because to us it was normal and slowly built up. The sad thing is that he was treated as an annoying bad boy by primary teachers who should have known better. He has very thin skin and this affected him very badly. He feels very relieved to have diagnosis as he now doesn't feel like a misfit. On the upside he is the most loving and caring boy you could imagine. have faith in yourself as a parent. It's easy to be made to feel crap but actually you are dealing with a complex situation well.